Why are marriage proposals still a thing?

[SleepingMurder]

I don't get it one bit. DH and I discussed getting married, then started planning for it together, as we would with any major life decision. You wouldn't leave the timing of a major life decision or even whether it was going to happen to just one person in the relationship, why would it be any different when it comes to marriage? And yet I see so many posts about is he going to propose, when is he going to propose - and this is often after living together and having children! Surely there's no need to be coy about it? Why would you leave such a major decision that affects both people equally completely in the hands of one person (in 99% of cases, the male in a heterosexual relationship)?

Help me understand, wise folks of MN.

Why are there a sudden flurry of faux "I don't understand" posts about standard wedding traditions on MN?

The simpering superiority of "I'm a feminist and I just don't understand why everyone doesn't think exactly the same as me" is galling.

Bit in my instance I was proposed to as a surprise, completely out of the blue. And I don't think that makes me less of a supporter of women

My point is that the OP is asking why proposals are still a thing. My argument is that they are more of a thing now than they’ve ever been, as are weddings in general.

Advertisers commodify life events and festivals (eg Christmas) by exploiting the human instinct to tell and enjoy stories.

Marriage proposal, in the sense of a big surprise event that people make a fuss over, is a recent thing, surely?

It’s part of the wedding industry

Proposals don’t have to big events though. They can be private and intimate.

There seems to be an assumption that every proposal is accompanied by fireworks and marching bands when in reality they are the only ones you hear about.

We had been living together for about a year and we went for a walk with my D's who was 7 to collect conkers at a castle grounds. He looked up and got on one knee and said will you marry me in that castle? I said yes and my son looked up and said he'd marry him too. I felt we were moving towards marriage but it was lovely to be proposed to. We chose the engagement ring together.

I just like a good discussion around this topic. Marriage is an equal thing, so I do find it strange in this modern day that women therefore wait around for the proposal to get married, which therefore makes it seem unequal? I get people love the romantic surprise, and that people do discuss if marriage will happen in their futures etc. but we often see posts on MN and I've seen in real life, women complaining or getting impatient that they haven't been proposed to yet, despite it being discussed. I note people on the thread saying it was discussed, then he did propose as a surprise, but how long do you wait for? Then do you start asking your partner to please propose so you can get married?

The world is bloody miserable enough, I’ll catch my joy where I can.

This

I picked a ring, booked the date at registry office and showed up. No big fan fare🤷 married for sixteen years and counting.

I think a lot of women really, really want a proposal and a lot of men really feel like they should do it.

It's fine that you don't do SM / don't share big stuff in there but most people who do, so it to share with their friends and family, not for strangers. Of course there are people who make a living from sharing their life on SM for strangers but me posting a pic of where we got engaged in FB for instance isn't for anyone but me and people who like me.

But yes that clearly makes me a narcissist 😂

Gosh there's a lot of nastiness and over inflated senses of superiority on this thread just because some women choose to do things differently or more traditionally.

I didn't especially want a proposal, my husband and I agreed mutually to get married, agreed we wouldn't bother with rings because we both do manual jobs and don't wear jewellery. However both my mother and MIL are insane hopeless romantics so we decided to do a dramatic "proposal" for them, with a bet made on which one would cry the most. It was fun, silly and very us (I won the bet, MIL blubbed for AGES).

I would never judge someone for wanting the big traditional proposal though. While I do think it's old fashioned and outdated, who am I to tell someone they can't do something outdated if they want to? Flares are outdated too and yet everyone's suddenly wearing them again like they've just been invented. If it's not hurting anyone I don't understand the vitriol.

I do feel awfully sorry for the poor women sitting around desperately hoping for a proposal that is likely never going to come, though. That is sad.

I didn't especially want a proposal, my husband and I agreed mutually to get married, agreed we wouldn't bother with rings because we both do manual jobs and don't wear jewellery. However both my mother and MIL are insane hopeless romantics so we decided to do a dramatic "proposal" for them

That's one of the weirder things I've read on Mn recently. You stage-managed a proposal you didn't want, after you'd already agreed to get married, for the sake of your mother and MIL, in case their hopeless romanticism couldn't cope with the reality?

Social media wasn't a big thing back when I got engaged and I didn't announce DH and my engagement on there but I LOVE seeing other people's engagement announcements nowadays.

I guess it's like a PP said. Take joy where you can. I get a lot of joy from seeing my friends' happiness.

Whereas I read it as they came up with a fun idea together (that they were both obviously on the same page about, which is a sign of a shared SOH) that was no hardship to them to do and brought pleasure to some family members they both love, that they can both look back on with fondness and amusement at how emotional mothers can get over engagements.

Where does same sex marriage fit into your concerns,OP? What protocol do you observe with two women ( both sitting around waiting? ) or men ( squaring up over who gets to ask) ?

or maybe like everyone else they can just do what suits them?

I agree. I think some women just want/need the whole fairytale to make them feel special and get the social media likes. I told my husband if he wanted to propose he could do it at home without any fanfare and don't even think about going down on one knee because he'd be told to stand straight back up again. In the end we bought each other rings and exchanged them over the kitchen table and drank wine.

I think they are good fun. I like that women do it more these days too.

That said, we didn't have a big proposal and we knew we were going to get engaged before we actually did it.

The more I think about it, it's not necessarily the proposal itself I find strange, but purely anyone waiting around for a 'surprise' question on being asked to be married. Or having agreed they would get married, but then having to wait around for one person in the relationship to decide it's time to do that.

I can only agree if marriage offer is complete surprise now- I wouldn't want it. I'd rather think people talk about getting married beforehand and then the surprise part follows? It's nice gesture, IMO. We knew we wanted to get married and then my husband proposed when I wasn't expecting it. I'll never forget this day.

What I don't like are the over the top expensive proposals. Quietly sitting down or even getting on one knee is fine for me.

I'm not op but I personally would hope that all couples, regardless of their sex, make adult decisions together mutually, rather than starting the whole marriage in a dominant/submissive style.

It's a bit trickier for same sex couples to enact and support patriarchy and misogyny in quite the same way.

Obviously if you were proposed to out of the blue, that was outside your control.

I am assuming that given your username and you describing yourself as a 'supporter of women' that you didn't do any of the other patriarchal sexist traditions that set women up as chattels, like changing your name, wearing a white dress or being 'given away'.

We had a discussion about it. He had a ring made (which I chose the diamond for as i'm particular) and presented it to me in an unromantic fashion (sadly, this bit could've been a nicer and more thought about on his part, but he is who he is). I can't imagine that we would have not discussed it all first. Even without all the other implications, a wedding is huge financial undertaking.

I find the 'we sat on the sofa and set a date for our wedding' a bit sad. So practical and joyless.

Before getting married, my DH and I discussed what our expectations were regarding our relationship and marriage. There was no 'waiting around' from me. I knew it was going to happen, he even told me roughly when he was going to do it! His proposal was in private and extremely romantic. To me it was a heartfelt declaration of our love and the effort he will put in for our shared future, not a shrug of the shoulders 'may as well' moment. We were both worth the effort.

DH and I knew we wanted to get married. But we liked the traditional idea of him proposing to me, it being a surprise when, the ring everything.

He owned the home we lived it as I wasn’t in a financial position due to previously being a single mum and having a child from a previous relationship, we made the decision to have a child together first as I wanted both my children at my wedding (also being an older mum that took priority incase fertility was an issue) not long after we found out I was pregnant he asked me to marry him.

We then bought a bigger house as I could then go on the mortgage.

We are happily married with two beautiful children and own our own home, what does it matter that we BOTH wanted his proposal to be a surprise and traditional?