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Original poster

Why are marriage proposals still a thing?

231 replies

SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 09:23

I don't get it one bit. DH and I discussed getting married, then started planning for it together, as we would with any major life decision. You wouldn't leave the timing of a major life decision or even whether it was going to happen to just one person in the relationship, why would it be any different when it comes to marriage? And yet I see so many posts about is he going to propose, when is he going to propose - and this is often after living together and having children! Surely there's no need to be coy about it? Why would you leave such a major decision that affects both people equally completely in the hands of one person (in 99% of cases, the male in a heterosexual relationship)?

Help me understand, wise folks of MN.

OP posts:
Seasonofthewitch83 · 31/05/2023 10:38

I hate hate hate them.

Its always on the assumption that the woman is going to say yes. Shes ready and waiting this whole time for the man to commit to her.

EvelynKatie · 31/05/2023 10:41

ilovelamp82 · 31/05/2023 10:37

I personally didn't want to have children until after I was married, had he not proposed within a reasonable amount of time, I would have discussed it with him. If he had doubts about it at that point, I would have moved on.

I think my point is that there is noting wrong with being proposed to and there is nothing wrong with not being proposed to. To insult the other is just a bit much I think.

As a feminist, the idea of asking a man for my hand in marriage most definitely isn't my thing, but if there are women that would like that tradition and their husband to be does it, I presume it is with the best of intentions so don't judge others for wanting or having a different experience to me.

Definitely not insulting other's peoples view! I always quite enjoy this discussion, and have discussed amongst friends. There's a mix of friends who seem quite surprised/taken aback that me and DP have discussed marriage, planned when we're going to do it, that I made clear I won't have children without being married and others who have said yes they've discussed it but are now quite happy to sit around waiting for the surprise proposal, or will have kids first and hope he proposes at some point in the future etc. Always just curious as to why people would wait for the man to decide on when it may happen.

Original poster
SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 10:42

@Gtsr443 Marriage is still a thing because legally it carries specific implications which are important. I do realise marriage as an institution has its flaws and typically is much more beneficial for men than for women, but those legal implications and protections are still important.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
ginsparkles · 31/05/2023 10:42

I worked in a jewellers and all of the people we sell engagement rings to have had the discussion. The only thing that varies is whether they come together or he comes to choose and this has generally still been discussed. Some couples prefer to come to choose together, others the lady has requested he comes to choose.

I don't think any of the proposals I have dealt with have been a totally out of the blue she doesn't know it's happening thing.

ModestMoon · 31/05/2023 10:42

SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 09:43

Same with letting someone else pick out rings, even if you give them 'hints' - again, this is something you'll have for the rest of your life so to have minimal agency in it seems odd.

This I disagree with. I can buy my own diamond ring whenever I like. It makes sense to me that the ring that is supposed to be a betrothal gift is chosen by the person who is gifting it to you.

SureJanSure · 31/05/2023 10:44

SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 09:43

Same with letting someone else pick out rings, even if you give them 'hints' - again, this is something you'll have for the rest of your life so to have minimal agency in it seems odd.

Same with veils, wedding gown, suits, bridesmaids, etc. It's all tradition that some people still choose to follow because they want to fit in with the rest of society.

I agree with you by the way. None of that is necessary but people still choose to do it for the above reason and they enjoy it. So, to each their own.

ModestMoon · 31/05/2023 10:45

I actually wouldn't have wanted a proposal but DP went ahead with one. Jokes on him though because neither of us actually want to get married. So I now have a nice ring, but will most likely stay nominally engaged.

ilovelamp82 · 31/05/2023 10:45

The aspect of not hanging around for a man to effectively decide your fate I can totally understand and agree with. The implication of proposals being 'cringe' or 'archaic' when in most situations is strange. In reality I think in most cases it is a lovely romantic gesture for the person they love, most likely having previously spoken about their future together. And a lovely memory to have.

Oakbeam · 31/05/2023 10:53

I hate hate hate them

How many have you had?

Inkypot · 31/05/2023 11:03

It sounds like you're presuming a lot about proposals.
Can only speak from my own experience but in our case we discussed marriage from day 1 and knew it was what we both wanted. I loved that I knew he would propose and also loved that I didn't know exactly when or how he would propose. I knew roughly because he'd checked my ring size and had told me to find some I loved. I only really loved one of the many rings I tried on, he went in and bought it while I was at work.
He surprised me a couple of days later on a beautiful sunny day out with our son, in one of my own childhood holiday places, and managed to catch me totally off guard.
It felt like something out a storybook and I absolutely loved that. For me the tradition felt important, to me it's something I definitely wanted to experience and I loved the moment. He loved it too.
Personally I wouldn't want a massive public proposal, or me proposing to the man, or the proposal being skipped altogether, but I can respect that everyone is different and what felt right for me and my husband wouldn't feel right for other people.
The important thing is doing what feels right for you as a couple, not putting our beliefs on anyone else.

Inkypot · 31/05/2023 11:05

BenCoopersSupportWren · 31/05/2023 10:02

I can see both sides. DH and I agreed in our early days that neither of us were bothered about getting married (he'd been married before, I genuinely wasn't fussed/don't like being the centre of attention, neither of us wanted children together). And for eight years we were both happy like that. Then one evening he suddenly thought - as he told me afterwards - "I really want to be married to her!" and dropped to one knee there and then; no planning, no ring, completely spontaneous. And even though I was genuinely content as we were and had never hankered after marriage, I had no hesitation in saying yes.

(I picked my own engagement ring and we had a tiny relaxed wedding with no evening do so I still didn't have to be the centre of a big fuss, and it was perfect. That was over 20 years ago and we're still solid.)

I love this 😍

AsphaltGirl · 31/05/2023 11:06

Lockheart · 31/05/2023 09:39

I'm going to go with "because they want to / think it's romantic etc and don't care what strangers on the internet think".

Show quote history

If they didn't care what people on the Internet think, they wouldn't plaster it all over social media.

I'm with you, op. Embarrassing, narcissistic, sexist, outdated bullshit.

recyclemeagain · 31/05/2023 11:10

SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 10:12

I do get the romance aspect of it. I know people who decided to get married and then subsequently did a proposal just to have that romantic experience, but the decision to marry and when had already been made. It's just bizarre that in 2023 couples discuss every aspect of life and come to a mutual agreement on timing, but for this decision which is arguably of the biggest you can make in life, the man has the final say, if not all the power when it comes to if/when. Even if you're on the same page roughly, devolving the timing to be the realm of the man solely seems very much out of alignment with a modern relationship. And people who say they're 'traditional' when it comes to this aspect, but are happy to buy a home together and live in it for years without being married? Seems very selective.

I know many women who were left wondering when their partners were going to propose, so it's hardly uncommon to have angst over it. We see it often enough on MN, the is he or isn't he or when.

Surely by that token the woman has the final say.
Proposing isn't "you will marry me" it's "will you marry me?"
The woman gives the answer and can absolutely say no. So it's the woman's choice whether to stay with a man who hasn't proposed, whether to say yes or no if he does propose... not really seeing how that's the man's decision other than when I or if he decides to ask. Any couple getting engaged should have had the big serous discussions before ever reaching that stage regardless.

MaidOfSteel · 31/05/2023 11:10

Because they might think it's a nice thing. They like the traditional aspect of things. They know it doesn't undermine their worth. They don't care what others think. They don't need to go about rubbishing other people's values.

AsphaltGirl · 31/05/2023 11:11

goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/05/2023 10:10

Same with letting someone else pick out rings, even if you give them 'hints' - again, this is something you'll have for the rest of your life so to have minimal agency in it seems odd.

I actually feel the opposite way about this - I'd have been really disappointed if DH had proposed without a ring and we'd had to go choose it together. I didn't give him any hints (partly because I didn't think he'd be buying one for some years to come). He chose the perfect, most 'me' ring - it showed how well he knew me.

I also had no agency in choosing the earrings, necklace and bracelet that I wear daily, all of which were gifts from him, and all of which I absolutely love and would've chosen myself.

Does he also love all the jewellery you surprised him with? Which one of you did the surprise proposal first?

ClaraBourne · 31/05/2023 11:12

Because we are conditioned to believe the ultimate accolade is to be chosen by a man. Seal the deal, get a ring, take his name, call yourself Mrs, have a proposal story, post it on Instagram and tell the world, 'look, I've been chosen'.

AsphaltGirl · 31/05/2023 11:14

ClaraBourne · 31/05/2023 11:12

Because we are conditioned to believe the ultimate accolade is to be chosen by a man. Seal the deal, get a ring, take his name, call yourself Mrs, have a proposal story, post it on Instagram and tell the world, 'look, I've been chosen'.

Yup.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2023 11:15

Lockheart · 31/05/2023 09:39

I'm going to go with "because they want to / think it's romantic etc and don't care what strangers on the internet think".

Show quote history

Quite.

DH knew us moving in together meant I expected to get married fairly soon down the line (I was 30, his 37). We discussed in jokingly, I sent him pictures of rings I liked. He proposed. It was lovely. I don't care that people think I'm pathetic and our relationship is some archaic nonsense and isn't as good as theirs. It was special to us. But then we also do cards and small presents for Valentines Day, Mother and Father's Day and Anniversaries and celebrate Birthdays so by MN standards in a shit human anyway, even before we get to me bring a SAHP even tho my kids went full time January

BHRK · 31/05/2023 11:15

Agree, it’s completely ridiculous and smacks of women waiting to be picked. I said to DH I didn’t want to be proposed to and I wanted us to choose the ring together (can also be hugely romantic). He agreed 100%

AsphaltGirl · 31/05/2023 11:16

ModestMoon · 31/05/2023 10:45

I actually wouldn't have wanted a proposal but DP went ahead with one. Jokes on him though because neither of us actually want to get married. So I now have a nice ring, but will most likely stay nominally engaged.

So someone proposed marriage to you.

You don't want to marry them.

But you said yes? I don't understand this. Was it just so you could have a ring that proves a man chose you?

AsphaltGirl · 31/05/2023 11:21

MissTrip82 · 31/05/2023 10:17

Why are white dresses still a thing? Veils? Engagement rings? Changing your name? Being ‘given away’? I assume you did none of these things but you’re aware most people still do some of them.

There are lots of traditions that don’t make much sense now but people still like them and follow them. Surely this isn’t genuinely mystifying?

I don’t know anyone who hadn’t already discussed marriage, but also can’t think of any couples where there wasn’t a formal proposal along with various other traditional bits and bobs.

MissTrip82 · Today 10:17

Why are white dresses still a thing? Veils? Engagement rings? Changing your name? Being ‘given away’? I assume you did none of these things but you’re aware most people still do some of them.

Because patriarchy. and lots of us did none of those.

Ruibies · 31/05/2023 11:33

I find this also so interesting to discuss. Waiting for a proposal was one of the biggest bones of contention in my relationship. We discussed it, we knew we wanted to get married, but DH was very clear he wanted to propose. As much as I wanted to just get married, I didn't want to take that away from him if it was something he felt he wanted to do. I was just annoyed with how long it was taking. To be fair to him, there were reasons why he waited as long as he did (and I was aware of those reasons beforehand, so it was just me being petulant) but I did very much feel like he had all the control and the power. Even though really he was just being clear about what he wanted and when he wanted it, which is fair really, and very different to men who just say vaguely 'one day it'll happen'.

If it hadn't happened when it happened I had already set an internal timeline of when it would really start to be a problem for me, and it probably would have been crunchtime for us. Because as much as I respect that he wanted to do it, I did not have endless years to wait around for the timing to be right for HIM. It had to be right for both of us. Anyway been together 12y and married for 3 so I did wait a bloody long time.

Lockheart · 31/05/2023 11:46

AsphaltGirl · 31/05/2023 11:06

If they didn't care what people on the Internet think, they wouldn't plaster it all over social media.

I'm with you, op. Embarrassing, narcissistic, sexist, outdated bullshit.

Show quote history

I didn't say that, I said they don't care what strangers on the internet think. Presumably they want to share the news with friends and family, hence the social media posts.

EvelynKatie · 31/05/2023 11:52

Ruibies · 31/05/2023 11:33

I find this also so interesting to discuss. Waiting for a proposal was one of the biggest bones of contention in my relationship. We discussed it, we knew we wanted to get married, but DH was very clear he wanted to propose. As much as I wanted to just get married, I didn't want to take that away from him if it was something he felt he wanted to do. I was just annoyed with how long it was taking. To be fair to him, there were reasons why he waited as long as he did (and I was aware of those reasons beforehand, so it was just me being petulant) but I did very much feel like he had all the control and the power. Even though really he was just being clear about what he wanted and when he wanted it, which is fair really, and very different to men who just say vaguely 'one day it'll happen'.

If it hadn't happened when it happened I had already set an internal timeline of when it would really start to be a problem for me, and it probably would have been crunchtime for us. Because as much as I respect that he wanted to do it, I did not have endless years to wait around for the timing to be right for HIM. It had to be right for both of us. Anyway been together 12y and married for 3 so I did wait a bloody long time.

I think this happens a lot, and I do find it quite sad women are sitting around waiting for the man to decide it's time to get married. If he insists on doing the proposal fine, but also go ahead with still arranging the date is my opinion, rather than it all hinge on waiting for him to decide when. Marriage is very much a joint thing, so I struggle to understand why then a lot of people wait for the man to decide when that should be.

Karatema · 31/05/2023 12:02

We have been married 40 years and my DH jokes (I hope) that he was told we were getting married! We discussed it and he went and spoke to my DDad then gave took me to choose a ring. It wasn't a surprise because we'd talked about marriage.