Would I be a horrid person not to donate?

[TwittleTwafdle]

I used to be good friends with a work colleague. Then something happened (she cocked up, tried to remedy it and failed) and she threw me and a few others under the bus. I've never forgiven her. I moved job because of her. Never spoken since. It worked out ok for me but could have very seriously damaged my career.

Three years on, she has sent a personalised plea asking for money through one of the giving websites. Her eldest DD is horribly unwell and they are seeking treatment abroad.

Would you donate? DH says I'd be mad to do so. Given the circs (he saw the awful stress caused) and I should make a general donation to a relevant charity if I feel I should do something.

Yes I completely get that.

Sometimes if I’m walking out of a shop I can’t donate to the old man with the money tin because I genuinely don’t have any spare.

And I personally volunteer with a DV charity even though there are other charities who are as or more deserving than this one but I don’t have endless time or money.

However, I wouldn’t not donate simply because I hold a grudge over something someone related to them did.

I think the OP made the right decision for herself and the innocent child.

Mail merge? I send hundreds of those at work. You just need to "program" the right fields in excel to make it look personalised

What a horrible thing to say!

I appear to have touched a nerve. Anyway, OP. Good decision. You've donated usefully but not given her the contact she appears to want.

I agree with PP's that the 'lifesaving treatment aboad that costs hundreds of thousands of pounds' treatments usually aren't evidence based.

If you believe her I would 100% donate. What happened is horrible but saving a child’s life is on such a different scale that it wouldn’t affect my desire to save a child.

I can imagine how desperate she must feel and I’d help anyone’s child in that situation if I could.

Same

"I don’t only donate my time or money to specific individuals depending on how they’ve treated me."

No? But you donate based on how worthy you think they are - because a donation you give one charity is a donation less for another. So how do you decide who's worthy of your money or not?

"If everyone only donated / volunteered for things that directly affects them then most of the world would get no help at all."

Yet you are obviously expecting the OP to donate to someone who directly affected her, negatively. That's the only reason right that OP should choose to save this awful woman's child rather than a stranger's child - otherwise why does this child deserve money more than another?

"If you wouldn’t donate even £1 to potentially save someone’s life just because you have a grudge, even though you could easily afford it, then that does not make you a nice person."

But that £1 you are giving to save this life is £1 less that someone else will get, correct? Because we all have limited resources to help others - so why is saving the child of an awful woman better than saving the child of someone who's done you no wrong?

"I hope if my child was poorly the people that could afford it would donate a couple of pound to potentially save her life."

Hopefully you wouldn't be the sort of person who destroys people's livelihoods and careers - and then expects them to bail your family out. Helping out bad people, even if it is supporting their families, is enabling the bad behaviour. A bit like you supporting the fund raiser for a mob boss's sick child or your abuser - the child may be innocent, but they aren't separate to the parent - and indirectly you are sending the message that it's ok to mistreat people. It's not brave, generous or being the bigger person - it's ensuring they keep behaving badly because they know they can get away with it. And at some point in the future OP, will look back and feel upset that she was manipulated by this person yet again.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain because being unemployed is the same as a child dying. What a stupid comparison.

How would you feel isn't manipulative, its something you have to consider when making any decision. Try it!!

Sorry, what was the question again? 😁

Yep, “couple of pounds to save the child’s life” is bollocks.

it isn’t going to save the child’s life. If the child is terminal it may prolong suffering and make their last weeks miserable being experimented on in a foreign country, with nothing familiar.

I work in the field, and I have never come across one of these gofundme’s for “treatment abroad” that have been beneficial. Most raise money for a hypothetical, last ditch trial, but the kid/patient is too sick to travel by the time they get to the point of it being an option.

i’d love to see the stats on what % of the money raised actually funds treatment, and whether it’s ever successful.

again, working in the field I am of the opinion that a few good months of being relatively well, able to live, is better than a year of misery chasing futile “treatments” that ties you to hospitals and makes you feel like shit.

So many people having their heart strings wrenched and guilt tripped. On what evidence is this medical condition proven?

She must have been really desperate to reach out to someone she knows hates her.