Would I be a horrid person not to donate?

[TwittleTwafdle]

I used to be good friends with a work colleague. Then something happened (she cocked up, tried to remedy it and failed) and she threw me and a few others under the bus. I've never forgiven her. I moved job because of her. Never spoken since. It worked out ok for me but could have very seriously damaged my career.

Three years on, she has sent a personalised plea asking for money through one of the giving websites. Her eldest DD is horribly unwell and they are seeking treatment abroad.

Would you donate? DH says I'd be mad to do so. Given the circs (he saw the awful stress caused) and I should make a general donation to a relevant charity if I feel I should do something.

This isn’t quite right, nothing is declined just on cost, but in cost effectiveness which is rather a different thing. And there’s a process to claim funding if you have a good case.
a drug having a license from The FDA means it’s safe not that it’s amazingly effective.

I would but I would want her to know that I had and would want to point out that it's disingenuous of her to pretend she doesn't know why you're not in touch. But I'm not as generous-spirited as some other posters. Hats off to the person who donated £400 to her bully's good cause.

Where's the 'of course'? for a start, OP doesn't even know if this treatment works. And that 'stressful work fallout' might have negatively affected OP's children if she was unemployed, I bet the colleague wouldn't have been chipping in to help with that.

And as for the sheer manipulativeness of 'how will you feel if you don't,' that's on a par with the ex-colleague's message about not getting in touch. as if they'd just happened to lose contact.

You should do what you think you should.

If I was certain it was real and not some scam/someone hacked her emails, then I would donate.

You won't be judged as a bad person if you don't donate. You're not going to go to hell or anything. It's entirely your call. I would be sorry that her daughter is ill but I wouldn't give ex colleague a cent. She can take it out of the money you lost when you gave up your job and spent time looking for another.

No I wouldn't, I think your husband is right

I am almost certain I'd donate. Be the person you want to see in the world. For me that's trying to help sick children, regardless of the actions of their parents.

If it's some sort of futile/quackery treatment I probably pause for thought, so I'd read more about it. But if I was happy with what it was funding, yes, absolutely.

In terms of cost effectiveness, nothing would come higher than saving the life of a child, because they formulas they use take into account how many more years the person could be expected to live.

There’s a strong case that it’s unethical to support these one off please for special treatment for one person. They aren’t always good choices, medically, just an (understandable) desperate attempt to try and control fate. And support for them undermines support for universal health care of high quality.

But even if you don’t take that tack - there is no more reason to help this random child, whom you happen to have heard of because she is the daughter of someone who once treated you badly, than any of the many other children who aren’t getting the treatment they want. If you want to save children’s lives, you can almost certainly save more with a donation of the same amount to something like Medicine Sans Frontières.

*pleas

I think I would donate to be honest. But I would add a message that made it clear I was doing so for her child. E.g. "sending this donation to help child's name, in this desperate situation. My thoughts are with him/her and hoping for a positive outcome for him/her".

If it's not a public message, and one that only your ex-friend will see, you could be a bit more to the point and add, despite the way our friendship ended, to the start of the message.

It’s pretty easier to tell what sort a person certain posters are when they say things like no I wouldn’t donate as because she hadn’t even apologised etc.

I just hope their children never get so sick that the NHS can’t treat them for free.

Why not just pop say a fiver or tenner,then (if you can afford to obv) something to Unicef or suchlike? Obv its a terrible situation for them ,but lots of sick children need help

No, cos if GOSH can’t fix the DC no one can and it’s free.

Donate and then block and delete .

Small donation to clear your conscience then delete her from your mind.

She didn’t give a shit about you when it benefited her. Why should you be giving money to her Go Fund Me? It has JM written all over it.

To save the life of a child I would donate. Th child has done nothing wrong. Obvs depends on your financial position, you just send some moneya nd write it off and dont bother with the woman who hurt you. Always be the better person, you are better than her.

I'd donate £3

Frankly she shouldn't have been such a massive fucker 🤷‍♀️

The £3 literally says the above

(And she's only asking because she knows you can afford it)

I think the only person in the wrong in this scenario is her asking you for money. I'd delete it and think nothing more of it.

There are lots of sick people in need of money her daughter has no special claim on you.

Not sure how helpful all this "you could save the child's life" stuff is helpful. We don't even know if this is an appropriate treatment or just expensive false hope.

Bit harsh to spite her child

Right. Donation made. Donation made too to UNICEF. Email deleted and blocked. Belt and braces - I won't dwell on it and I'll move on. All done.

For avoidance of doubt, I don't think I've necessarily done the "right" thing. Just "a" thing which means no more stress for me.

Possibly ultimately a selfish thing.

DH thinks I'm batshit.

"I just hope their children never get so sick that the NHS can’t treat them for free."

Oh you mean like the BILLIONS of children around the world who don't qualify for free treatment? Or do we think it's British donations for British babies only?

Unless you are donating money to children's charities that work globally, you are as cold hearted as any person who manages to spend most of their life not donating to, or thinking about all the suffering children worlwide.