Would I be a horrid person not to donate?

[TwittleTwafdle]

I used to be good friends with a work colleague. Then something happened (she cocked up, tried to remedy it and failed) and she threw me and a few others under the bus. I've never forgiven her. I moved job because of her. Never spoken since. It worked out ok for me but could have very seriously damaged my career.

Three years on, she has sent a personalised plea asking for money through one of the giving websites. Her eldest DD is horribly unwell and they are seeking treatment abroad.

Would you donate? DH says I'd be mad to do so. Given the circs (he saw the awful stress caused) and I should make a general donation to a relevant charity if I feel I should do something.

To be blunt, yes, it would be horrible not donate if you can afford to. Why would you not try to alleviate the suffering of a child simply because you don’t like their mother? This woman has reached out to you and will be aware of what happened and why you don’t speak with her. Can you imagine how much her DD must be suffering for her to be so desperate for help that she has reached out and humiliated herself like this?

She’s contacting you because she is desperate. Not to do with whether she is a good or bad person. I think about this a lot, there have been people in my life who have gone out of their way to hurt or humiliate me, what would I do if they were desperate? E.g. ask for money in this type of scenario (close relatives so could happen). I’ve decided I would help them if I could, because I want to try to be a good person regardless of what people around me are like. I’m not saying that’s what you should do, just giving my perspective on a similar hypothetical situation. I would try to ignore who they were, and act as I would act otherwise - e.g. if you would donate to anyone else, just donate. I had a friend once tell me that in a flat share they always did more washing up than was theirs (he was a man before people assume) as that would lead to net positivity with little effort on their part, and it was such a different way to look at things, I’ve tried to apply it elsewhere!

I am sorry for what you went through and the stress of the threat to your career. Well done on protecting yourself and you shouldn’t feel bad about whatever choice it takes to protect you again now.

Nope I wouldn't.

Zero scoobies given.

Wow this really made me stop and think about what I'd do!

On reflection...

I would donate whatever I could afford. But anonymously. And not reply to her email at all.

Oh, heck no. I'm definitely with Team Don't Donate. Sounds like she's just sent it out to everyone in her contact history, and using your kids' names in her message is super manipulative. You don't owe that woman or her kid anything. As others have said, any donation you make is highly unlikely to make any particular difference anyway. If it's playing on your mind, make a donation to a relevant charity as others have suggested above. There's been a couple of occasions I've felt that I had to be the "bigger person" and donated to people who I'd cut off contact with's personal fundraisers, and I've regretted it ever since as I felt ripped off afterwards.

Give some money to a charity for sick children. Give nothing to her

That would be what I'd do as OP. And delete the contact.

Don't want to derail the thread but this isn't necessarily true. There are drugs that aren't available on the NHS because they cost too much. Not because they don't work.

In the US especially there are several treatments that have FDA approval but we can't access them here.

I'd donate £20 but that's all I'd donate.

Nope I wouldn't donate.

Not because of her but because it's not what I would donate to.

Oddly, if the request was personalised and didn't acknowledge the brokenness of the relationship, I would probably find it more difficult to donate. Another perspective is that I have had a child with a life threatening illness so know what desperate looks like. In the end I would think about the child and come down on giving money.

But you wouldn't be a horrid person regardless of your decision

This sadly.

For all the ratings of the NHS, if there is a kids cancer treatment with a decent shot of working, the NHS will usually manage to find it.

There are clinics in America (one comes to mind that I won't name as they are very litigious and busy shutting down any mentions) which has been running 'clinical trials' for decades, which are considered quackery by many, but they charge thousands every month. There's never been any independent evidence of success.

I'd donate for memory making trips, or for treatment which is proven AND there's a reason they cant get it here, but not so poorly can become millionaires out of false hope from desperate people.

How old is this DD?

Reverse the situation....what if it were you who needed to raise money for one of your loved ones? No matter how desperate you were, would you honestly approach someone who you knew you'd wronged in a previous life and not bothered to reach out nor apologise to subsequently? I certainly wouldn't, and I'm not sure the thought would even occur to me to do so.

So on that basis, no I wouldn't. If you feel you need to do SOMETHING for your own peace of mind, can you donate to a charity that deals with the illness the child has instead, so that others will also benefit? I wouldn't be keen on a 'treatment abroad' donation in any event. You hear so many awful accounts of people having unlicensed treatment overseas and ending up with a horror story instead of a cure. I'd feel dreadful knowing I may have contributed to a situation like that.

I agree. The number of people who don't spend every minute of every day thinking about the BILLIONS of poor, sick, suffering children. Most of whom have parents who can't even send a mass email asking for help because you know, there's no access to internet or rich friends. And just think of all those cold hearted people who never think to donate money for anything until it's explicitly asked for. Really awful.

Yes, so many cold-hearted people and you can know everybody intimately. Know what they do, what they give?

Do you ever think before you post such tripe?

Yes, and when necessary we send them to USA for those treatments.

I would, anonymously, and a token amount like £10, because I hate the idea of children suffering, but I would completely understand if you didn't do it, and I would never judge anyone in your situation deleting the email and never thinking about it again.

actually I've put my point across badly, I'm NOT saying that anyone who would not donate is in any way OK with sick children suffering. Just that that part would be the only reason I would donate. The woman herself can go kick rocks.

I’d take into account the likelihood of success plus the persons ability to pay for the treatment themself. I can see your husbands point to give to a charity instead at least you know it’s bona fide. I wouldn’t dream of approaching someone like she has, even less so given your history!

boot on other foot-? maybe you woulldnt have asked. Its her child-i can only imagine desperate times,leads to desperate measures.
You say you moved on,safe secure job and can afford it. Sure,it doesnt mean you are in anyway duty bound to help,anyone.
Id mark the email as junk (in the hope that aavoids any continuation of contact )and donate anon.

You cant change the past...any more than she can.

Of course you donate. It's saving a child's life that you can help with. How will you feel if you don't. A stressful work fall out still doesn't compare to a child potentially dying without treatment.

An anonymous donation is a good idea. Then block her.