Would I be a horrid person not to donate?

[TwittleTwafdle]

I used to be good friends with a work colleague. Then something happened (she cocked up, tried to remedy it and failed) and she threw me and a few others under the bus. I've never forgiven her. I moved job because of her. Never spoken since. It worked out ok for me but could have very seriously damaged my career.

Three years on, she has sent a personalised plea asking for money through one of the giving websites. Her eldest DD is horribly unwell and they are seeking treatment abroad.

Would you donate? DH says I'd be mad to do so. Given the circs (he saw the awful stress caused) and I should make a general donation to a relevant charity if I feel I should do something.

I’ve only ever donated to a good friend for this sort of fundraising as I knew it was totally legit. However, I’d prob donate a tenner in this case as it is for a child and I can afford it.

Donate. It's for a child. You will feel better if you did.

I had a similar situation where an old classmate pretended to not recognise me on the street and then she was fundraising for her kid. I didn't even hesitate. I don't care what her personality is. It's for an innocent child.

I was thinking this too .

To all those questioning what the nhs can't do for free, sorry to say but a lot. The nhs has moved out of the top 10 healthcare systems in the world. Many other countries who also provide completely free healthcare such as Aus, NZ, Netherlands offer much better treatment options and some of the options available privately in countries such as Germany, USA, Switzerland wouldn't be offered by the nhs. The nhs is good if you're in a motor vehicle accident or break your arm but not for complicated or proven cutting edge medical treatments, it literally has no funding.

Well, why don't you donate to this child then since it's such a no-brainer for you?

You have no idea what posters are like, any more than I would be correct in thinking that you're one of those who doesn't understand nuance, is happy to spend other people's money for them and doesn't put their hand in their own pocket.

You first. Start there before pontificating about other people's motives. You're not the only one so don't think I'm singling you out, but the virtue signalling on this thread is tiresome.

Lol at the idea that you ‘know’ a treatment works.

Thats not how medicine works.

This woman has invoked your children to get cash,this is repugnant emotional blackmail . Frankly I’d have donated to unicef alone not her,not to spite her child but because she’s less to you than a stranger and there are many sick children in the world. You are correct to block her though and leave the matter behind. I do hope this is the last you hear from her and not the start of some deranged campaign.

@TwittleTwafdle happy to see you found a way forward that works for YOU.

This probably sounds heartless but I personally wouldn’t donate.

I had a friend at work several years ago and she was always asking colleagues for donations/sponsorship for a family member’s medical treatment. We happily contributed, raised money through cake sales, attended fund raising dinners at not inconsiderable expense only to find the family concerned had a huge house, holiday home, several brand new cars etc and could easily have paid for the treatment themselves.

We no longer work together and haven’t seen each other for years but I still get the odd email asking if I want to pay £250 plus for a fundraising dinner!

This

Well, this thread has made it very clear for me - zero donations to GoFundMe from now on, regardless of cause. Médecins Sans Frontières all the way now.

Is this view from personal experience of kids cancer care or are you just presuming barred in the overall system of the NHS?

Mine is the former. Sadly.

Good for you, OP. As PP says, doing what makes your soul peaceful.

I'd be the bigger person and donate what you can afford. This isn't about your ex friend, it's about her daughter and I'd separate the two.

I'd stick in a fiver or something if I could afford it and let that be an end to it, and thank my lucky stars that it wasn't either of my DDs in that situation.

I think you did the right thing, OP. You’ve donated to her child, but you haven’t opened a line of communication. I’m glad you don’t have to think about it anymore.

I had a similar drama with my DH being unimpressed with me donating.

A kid in school was an absolute cunt to me, he went out into the big wide world and was an absolute cunt to the wrong people, got in over his head and committed suicide leaving 5 kids without a father weeks before Christmas.
There was a go fund me shared on FB and I gave £100, which is a massive amount for us (low earners)
But those kids didn't deserve the hand played to them, whilst it was huge to us to give away we also didn't go without anything and I've certainly never regretted it.
DH understood that even though their father was a horrid arsehole of a man and (I'm quite happy to speak ill of the dead before anyone comes @ me) he obviously had huge demons and nobody's kids deserve to grieve and have a shitty Christmas, kids don't choose their parents (please woowoo brigade, don't you @ me either!) So yeah, I've always felt happy I donated.

I have had stick on here before for one of my life mantras, which is fine but its, "you'll never regret being kind", and you won't, you may regret not showing kindness though.

You’ve done the right thing. Move on, you cannot be criticised for anything and you know you’ve done what you can.

OP just curious did you donate to the former colleague anonymously or does your name appear? FWIW I might have done the same and at least you feel Ok with your choice, but equally not donating wouldn’t have made you a bad person.

btw for all those saying she is clearly that desperate it’s even more shocking she still hasn’t apologised then . You’d think a quick apology at least before asking for money if you were really desperate to get the person to donate would benefit both you and the person asking .

Work stress isn’t the same as a sick child true, but it is still very serious and can often lead to poor health and even suicide so let’s not underplay that either.

I wouldn’t tbh. The NHS has sent people abroad if it’s deemed medically necessary but there’s too many families who are defrauded and promised the world. My sister is a paediatrician and seen far too many desperate families do fundraisers, get heavily in debt to go to Mexico/USA etc all to access some treatment that doesn’t do anything but exhaust everyone and steal precious limited days away from them

OP, I agree with your husband and all the pp’s who said ‘hell no’. She did not care about you and your family’s personal stress and financial situation when she threw you under the bus. I would have blocked and deleted.

I’d want to make sure it was true and they’d I’d probably my donate an amount that seemed fitting.

I wouldn't donate, no.

Usually these gofundmes for treatment abroad are built on snake oil, if the treatment was clinically indicated then it'd be offered here. Unethical organisations in other countries often offer 'treatment' that has no evidence base, costing vast sums of money, and parents will understandably move heaven and earth to pay every single penny asked of them because they feel it's their last ditch hope for their child. It's an awful industry.

I wouldn't donate anyway tbh for someone who had thrown me under the bus but especially not to this. If it was a donation for idk, a nice weekend away somewhere for a very poorly child I would consider it as a good deed.

Exactly. You said it better than I did.

I agree with your DH, but I'm sure UNICEF will appreciate your donation.