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Original poster

Would I be a horrid person not to donate?

212 replies

TwittleTwafdle · 30/05/2023 14:11

I used to be good friends with a work colleague. Then something happened (she cocked up, tried to remedy it and failed) and she threw me and a few others under the bus. I've never forgiven her. I moved job because of her. Never spoken since. It worked out ok for me but could have very seriously damaged my career.

Three years on, she has sent a personalised plea asking for money through one of the giving websites. Her eldest DD is horribly unwell and they are seeking treatment abroad.

Would you donate? DH says I'd be mad to do so. Given the circs (he saw the awful stress caused) and I should make a general donation to a relevant charity if I feel I should do something.

OP posts:
nonetcurtains · 30/05/2023 15:07

TwittleTwafdle · 30/05/2023 14:22

It's a mass email but with an intro para which is specifically to me (mentions my kids names - acknowledges we are not in touch - although as if she doesn't know why!)

Did this intro also include an acknowledgement of, or apology for, what she had done? Has she ever apologised?

Original poster
TwittleTwafdle · 30/05/2023 15:07

You are all articulating the wrestling in my head.

I think I might make an anonymous donation. Then delete the email. I'll have made my peace with it but not done anything for her - only her DD.

It was not a petty argument. It was very very serious and only my quick judgement call to leave quickly (which could easily have backfired) saved me from personal disaster. She is a horrible person (it turned out).

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 30/05/2023 15:08

I wouldn't donate, but purely because "treatment abroad" means that the treatment is unproven and is only used in places with low standards for approval of treatments. (I.e. if there was data that proved it worked, you would be able to get it on the NHS). It's giving families like this false hope.

What I would do is quietly donate to a charity that works in a similar disease area (Cancer Research UK or something).

What the ill child's mum had done wouldn't enter into my considerations. This is way bigger than that.

Original poster
TwittleTwafdle · 30/05/2023 15:08

No - no acknowledgment or apology. More a "I realise we haven't been in touch but..." phrasing.

OP posts:
Sewingdufus · 30/05/2023 15:10

Whilst I would feel sorry for her daughter I couldn’t contribute in those circumstances. If you really want to donate then chose an appropriate charity that supports the related health issues.

Northernparent68 · 30/05/2023 15:12

I think the real question is what’s the treatment and is it available in the UK ?

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 30/05/2023 15:12

I wouldn’t but I don’t donate to these sorts of things full stop for a variety of reasons but largely for the reasons stated by @ClawedButler

TellySavalashairbrush · 30/05/2023 15:13

I would if I had the money. She must be pretty desperate if she is reaching out to you. She has a very sick child, as vile as the woman may be, I cannot imagine how horrendous it must be to have to cope with this.

99redballoons123 · 30/05/2023 15:13

Of course I would this is her daughters life, this transcends pretty much anything else.

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 30/05/2023 15:13

No.

mainly because these ideas of “treatments abroad” are experimental, futile, and of no use.

the nhs for all it’s faults do risk assess, and if they don’t provide this treatment then it’s usually because on balance there is no benefit.

your history makes no difference to that.

ClawedButler · 30/05/2023 15:14

I can kind of understand her coming to you - when you're desperate, and it's (as she sees it) to save your child's life, you would indeed do ANYTHING, no matter how awkward or humiliating.

That said, I still don't think you should donate to her crowdfunder, but that's for medical rather than ethical reasons.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/05/2023 15:14

TwittleTwafdle · 30/05/2023 15:08

No - no acknowledgment or apology. More a "I realise we haven't been in touch but..." phrasing.

Gotta admire the brass neck of that phrase. That would piss me off even more on top of what she'd done. But then people have a remarkable facility for forgetting their own bad behaviour. Years ago I was 'let go' for gross negligence (turned out to be something someone else had done and not admitted to because it was big) and my manager fired me to cover his backside. A couple of years ago we bumped into each other and he gave me a hug and said how good to see me...while I stood there thinking mate, you got me fired.

I certainly wouldn't get back in touch with her, because I have a feeling that's what she's angling for.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 30/05/2023 15:15

snowydays10 · 30/05/2023 14:59

Be the bigger person and donate. I wouldn’t hesitate to donate. It’s her child not your ex colleague.

Donate but with a message saying this is for your child and not given with regards to ex-colleague.

Mosaic123 · 30/05/2023 15:16

I might do a £5 anonymous donation in your circumstances. But no more and no reply to the CF email.

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 30/05/2023 15:18

Absolutely not. She will have sent it to anyone who was once a contact I doubt she even knows she sent it you. Sad for her child but not your problem, much like you having your career ruined wasn't her problem. Delete and ignore.

OhComeOnFFS · 30/05/2023 15:19

TwittleTwafdle · 30/05/2023 15:08

No - no acknowledgment or apology. More a "I realise we haven't been in touch but..." phrasing.

With no apology or acknowledgement of what she'd done to you, I wouldn't donate under your own name. If you know for certain that the fundraising is genuine, then I would donate anonymously, as you said. However, I'd need to know for certain it was genuine - she sounds so toxic and such a liar that it may well be a complete fabrication.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/05/2023 15:20

snowydays10 · 30/05/2023 14:59

Be the bigger person and donate. I wouldn’t hesitate to donate. It’s her child not your ex colleague.

Well, if you PM the OP, I'm sure she will give you the link to donate and you can not hesitate to do so.

Be the bigger person and all that... and it's about a child after all.

ganvough · 30/05/2023 15:20

I wouldn't because there are millions of children suffering around the world I don't think of or donate for during the year - so why would I make special dispensation for the child of a woman who destroyed my health. Just because her daughter is ill, doesn't mean you need to feel personally responsible.

If not donating makes you a horrible person, then we are ALL horrible people because none of us on the thread are donating money either. Yet I'm sure we'll all managed to live with ourselves.

Tragedy doesn't negate travesty.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 30/05/2023 15:21

I wouldn't donate. You must have a very kind heart to even consider it.

If she'd acknowledged her error, apologised & kept in touch it would be different, but to do that & then not contact you FOR THREE YEARS until she wanted money - nope.

Tinkerbyebye · 30/05/2023 15:21

Hi I wouldn’t donate to them. If you really want to donate I would donate to a charity

sommeliermama · 30/05/2023 15:23

I wouldn't donate. I would only consider it if she had properly reached out and apologised

Terzani · 30/05/2023 15:24

Amybelle88 · 30/05/2023 14:45

Imagine how desperate she must be to have swallowed her pride, knowing what did to you, to reach out and ask personally for help.

I think a sick child (or daughter if she's grown) is a lot bigger than what happened, although I'm not minimising at all - I also acknowledge that what happened was awful.

I've had cancer and didn't need to do a justgiving but my cousin needed one when her treatment stopped working. It's fucking heartbreaking to need to go to those extremes.

I'd donate, and not just a token donation, I'd donate what I could afford.

This!

Frosto · 30/05/2023 15:25

A guy I went to school with who was 3 years older than me bullied me and my younger brother like crazy, I would have panic attacks when I saw him, one time working in a pub after I'd left school he walked in and I nearly fainted and was close to tears seeing him. I left school in 1998, he walked in to the pub in 2002, since then never seen him.

On my school FB page 2 years ago he was doing a sponsored walk to raise money for a hospice that supported him and his wife when she gave birth to stillborn twins.

I anonymously donated £400

He didn't know I did it, but I knew I had to do it for the cause as well as myself to let go of the past grudges.

PennyWeisse · 30/05/2023 15:26

ClawedButler · 30/05/2023 15:08

I wouldn't donate, but purely because "treatment abroad" means that the treatment is unproven and is only used in places with low standards for approval of treatments. (I.e. if there was data that proved it worked, you would be able to get it on the NHS). It's giving families like this false hope.

What I would do is quietly donate to a charity that works in a similar disease area (Cancer Research UK or something).

What the ill child's mum had done wouldn't enter into my considerations. This is way bigger than that.

I agree with this tbh.

I've come across 3 situations where people have travelled for treatment for a terminal illness. In all 3 cases the treatment failed, and in 1 case they died sooner due to side effects from the treatment than they would have without it.

If it was a proven highly successful treatment I might consider it for a young child. But if this woman tried to ruin your life I might simply delete the email.

TeaParty4Me · 30/05/2023 15:26

I’m really shocked by how many cold hearted people there are on here.