Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Would I be a horrid person not to donate?

212 replies

TwittleTwafdle · 30/05/2023 14:11

I used to be good friends with a work colleague. Then something happened (she cocked up, tried to remedy it and failed) and she threw me and a few others under the bus. I've never forgiven her. I moved job because of her. Never spoken since. It worked out ok for me but could have very seriously damaged my career.

Three years on, she has sent a personalised plea asking for money through one of the giving websites. Her eldest DD is horribly unwell and they are seeking treatment abroad.

Would you donate? DH says I'd be mad to do so. Given the circs (he saw the awful stress caused) and I should make a general donation to a relevant charity if I feel I should do something.

OP posts:
dooneyousmugelf · 30/05/2023 14:37

I wouldn't not donate because of the given reasons/your past fall out. I'd weigh up if I could afford to donate, how I feel in general about Justgiving, what charities I'd given to lately, if she's already raised a 'good' amount, how likely it is the money will be genuinely useful and what exactly it would be going towards or paying for.
So you're the wrong if you decide not to donate. But if you decide to not donate because she pissed you off, then yes I do think that's petty when it's a case of life or death for her completely innocent daughter.

Supertayto · 30/05/2023 14:37

What will ease your soul the most? Forget about her for a moment and consider what course will add or take away from you being at peace with your actions. If donating will drag it all up and cause you stress, then don’t. As PPs have said, your donation is unlikely to make or break treatment going ahead. If not donating will make you dwell on it and feel guilty, then donate. You’re under no obligation to do it or repeat it and I very much doubt it will open up communications again beyond a thank you message (if that).

SeulementUneFois · 30/05/2023 14:37

I wouldn't.
If you want to help a sick child donate to a similar charity - whatever sick child would benefit from that would deserve it no less than her daughter.

CurtainsForBea · 30/05/2023 14:38

I think I would say 'so sorry to hear the news. Sadly I am not in a position to donate but I wish you well'.

Or more likely I would ignore it.

dooneyousmugelf · 30/05/2023 14:38

dooneyousmugelf · 30/05/2023 14:37

I wouldn't not donate because of the given reasons/your past fall out. I'd weigh up if I could afford to donate, how I feel in general about Justgiving, what charities I'd given to lately, if she's already raised a 'good' amount, how likely it is the money will be genuinely useful and what exactly it would be going towards or paying for.
So you're the wrong if you decide not to donate. But if you decide to not donate because she pissed you off, then yes I do think that's petty when it's a case of life or death for her completely innocent daughter.

So you're not* wrong

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 30/05/2023 14:39

I wouldn't. I'd ignore.

LoonyLois · 30/05/2023 14:42

I wouldn’t. Especially with that first paragraph where she tries to shame you

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2023 14:42

Supertayto · 30/05/2023 14:37

What will ease your soul the most? Forget about her for a moment and consider what course will add or take away from you being at peace with your actions. If donating will drag it all up and cause you stress, then don’t. As PPs have said, your donation is unlikely to make or break treatment going ahead. If not donating will make you dwell on it and feel guilty, then donate. You’re under no obligation to do it or repeat it and I very much doubt it will open up communications again beyond a thank you message (if that).

This all day long. Think about what will help you sleep at night. Honestly, I don't know, I think I would donate. But I also hold a grudge and might feel that reopening that wound is bad.

Sorry, it's not easy.

airey · 30/05/2023 14:45

Yes, I would donate if you believe it to be true. For your own soul more than anything.

You don't need to communicate with her further or tell anyone. but you will be the bigger person, and I for one would respect you a lot x

Amybelle88 · 30/05/2023 14:45

Imagine how desperate she must be to have swallowed her pride, knowing what did to you, to reach out and ask personally for help.

I think a sick child (or daughter if she's grown) is a lot bigger than what happened, although I'm not minimising at all - I also acknowledge that what happened was awful.

I've had cancer and didn't need to do a justgiving but my cousin needed one when her treatment stopped working. It's fucking heartbreaking to need to go to those extremes.

I'd donate, and not just a token donation, I'd donate what I could afford.

pyjamalife · 30/05/2023 14:47

Her poor daughter. But no, I wouldn't in this case.

Bbqshowdownusa · 30/05/2023 14:47

No I wouldn’t donate. She treated you like crap and is now coming to you asking for money. Ridiculous.

Anewuser · 30/05/2023 14:49

I wouldn’t for a whole load of medical reasons. Also, as a pp mentioned, that begging bowl will have to come out a few more times yet. Apart from the fact that she stitched you up and could have ruined your career/life.

NotMyFinestMoment · 30/05/2023 14:49

I don't know why you are even considering it. She shouldn't have contacted you in the first place after what she's done, and she has some front to contact you. She didn't think of you or your family when she was trying to throw you under the bus, so why should you think about hers.

FlamingoQueen · 30/05/2023 14:51

I wouldn’t! But, you could donate to a charity related to the girl. It’s awfully sad that she has to fundraiser for medical treatment, but in my opinion, she shouldn’t have thrown you under the bus!

CurtainsForBea · 30/05/2023 14:54

I'm a cynical sort anyway and if she was deceitful at work then how much truth can you put on anythings he says now- particularly where asking for money is concerned.

(But I have been burned before where I felt emotionally manipulated into giving for something that turned out was used to pay off the begger's overdraft).

MiddleParking · 30/05/2023 14:54

Tbh I would object on principle to somebody personalising a message asking me for money. That’s different to sharing a link on Facebook alongside a fundraiser.

MisschiefMaker · 30/05/2023 14:56

I would donate. She sounds desperate and people that don't know her are very unlikely to donate, so if people like you don't then the kid might not get treatment.

I wouldn't see it as a step to reconciling though. That's a separate issue.

momtoboys · 30/05/2023 14:57

I wouldn't but I am petty like that.😂

TeaParty4Me · 30/05/2023 14:57

I would donate to try and save a life.

Unless she did something awful like try to kill you, accuse you of being a peado, told your DH you were cheating etc then what she did is irrelevant.

Surely a person life is worth more than a petty argument.

If you’re on the fence why not donate a couple of pound.
That way you are supporting her daughter but not showing her you care too much.

snowydays10 · 30/05/2023 14:59

Be the bigger person and donate. I wouldn’t hesitate to donate. It’s her child not your ex colleague.

TeaParty4Me · 30/05/2023 15:00

What did she do wrong?

I have been in a similar position.
Where a family member I went NC with needed my blood type else they could die.

I didn’t think twice about it, as me giving some blood hardly impacted me and it meant they survived.

They would have had to do something awful for me to want them to die.

gamerchick · 30/05/2023 15:01

I wouldn't. Don't those site take an extra chunk of change on top?

WheelsUp · 30/05/2023 15:03

Would she donate if you'd lost your job? Of course not
If you donate you risk her asking you for more money later when she can't get enough donations. Plus she may try and reach out to discuss the past and it will be hard to tell her that you're not interested in friendship.
Donate to the charity thats associated with the illness if you feel guilty but I'd block the email or her profile on social media. She's clearly not sorry about the past and it sounds like you are owed an apology there.

LifeExperience · 30/05/2023 15:07

The bottom line is there's a sick child who could use your help. I would donate because of that. The child isn't responsible for her mother's actions.