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Original poster

is it selfish to have just one child when you don’t have much extended family?

208 replies

lokienji · 21/04/2023 21:34

we have my parents, one cousin of mine with her family, my auntie (lives in another country) DHs grandparents and that is it. my sibling isn’t good to be around so I have little to do with her

see so many pros to having the one, youd have more resources, more time, able to focus on career and relationship etc and just enjoy life and treat them to more experiences and trips. any siblings liking one another isnt a given and I know that firsthand.. but if we did stick at one they wouldn’t grow up with or around a brother or sister or cousins and so I am not sure if this would be a more sheltered life than necessary, is it better to have a sibling in most circumstances? i recognise i might be biased by my negative experience ofcourse

OP posts:
Champagneforeveryone · 21/04/2023 22:43

DS is an only (we suffered from secondary infertility, but I was somewhat ambivalent about having a second anyway) We are an even smaller family than yours.

I've never really regretted it, although truthfully DS struggled quite a lot with the general teasing and rough and tumble of young children initially.

My other concern is that DS will be left with elderly parents to deal with alone. I've already (I'm only mid 40's) made sure that everything is in place, wills, life insurance etc so there's no avoidable stress for him to deal with.

Original poster
lokienji · 21/04/2023 23:09

Champagneforeveryone · 21/04/2023 22:43

DS is an only (we suffered from secondary infertility, but I was somewhat ambivalent about having a second anyway) We are an even smaller family than yours.

I've never really regretted it, although truthfully DS struggled quite a lot with the general teasing and rough and tumble of young children initially.

My other concern is that DS will be left with elderly parents to deal with alone. I've already (I'm only mid 40's) made sure that everything is in place, wills, life insurance etc so there's no avoidable stress for him to deal with.

thank you for sharing, you sound like youve planned everything thoroughly, your DS is lucky to have you! x

OP posts:
Comedycook · 21/04/2023 23:37

Honestly, yes I think just having one DC when you have little extended family is selfish. I'm sorry to be blunt and I understand not everyone has a choice....but if you do, I'd absolutely say you should try to give your DC a sibling. I have a smallish family and my parents died young. I'm lucky to have a sister who has kids so my kids have cousins they are close to.

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Original poster
lokienji · 21/04/2023 23:42

Comedycook · 21/04/2023 23:37

Honestly, yes I think just having one DC when you have little extended family is selfish. I'm sorry to be blunt and I understand not everyone has a choice....but if you do, I'd absolutely say you should try to give your DC a sibling. I have a smallish family and my parents died young. I'm lucky to have a sister who has kids so my kids have cousins they are close to.

Thank you x

OP posts:
CheeseDreamsTonight · 21/04/2023 23:48

I don't think it's ever selfish to have one. I would be a shit parent to more than one, so I chose one and to be a great parent, afford things etc. I don't get on very well with my sisters and they have and do cause me pain, so I don't think a sibling for companionship is ever guaranteed. They are close and I am the odd one out, so am practically alone anyway.

TennisWithDeborah · 21/04/2023 23:53

Comedycook · 21/04/2023 23:37

Honestly, yes I think just having one DC when you have little extended family is selfish. I'm sorry to be blunt and I understand not everyone has a choice....but if you do, I'd absolutely say you should try to give your DC a sibling. I have a smallish family and my parents died young. I'm lucky to have a sister who has kids so my kids have cousins they are close to.

I agree with this OP - I have no siblings and one much older cousin whom I last saw in around 2012. I feel envious of people with siblings and similar-aged cousins and I think it’s beneficial for kids to grow up with the rough and tumble mentioned by a PP. Sorry. I really don’t mean to offend you.

OrigamiOwls · 21/04/2023 23:59

I've got a tiny family and an only child. I dont feel I missed out, am happy being an only and definitely don't feel my parents were selfish for not providing me with a sibling.
As you're already aware bring siblings doesn't guarantee that they will get on.

Original poster
lokienji · 22/04/2023 00:01

TennisWithDeborah · 21/04/2023 23:53

I agree with this OP - I have no siblings and one much older cousin whom I last saw in around 2012. I feel envious of people with siblings and similar-aged cousins and I think it’s beneficial for kids to grow up with the rough and tumble mentioned by a PP. Sorry. I really don’t mean to offend you.

Show quote history

no offence taken honestly! i think it was my gut feeling or I wouldn’t have needed to ask on here, we are only in our 20s so hopefully have lots of time to choose what’s right

OP posts:
justlurkinghere · 22/04/2023 00:07

You have more extended family than I ever had. I had my parents. I was intended to be an only but my sibling was born because of the lack of extended family. My parents didn't want me to be alone. I have two perspectives of that now, as an adult child:

  1. I am not alone. I have my husband and kids. He doesn't have any extended family either, so I'm no better off in that regard. Having partnered up and created my own family, I am not concerned about being alone. Sometimes it has hurt to not have extended family but it's just how it is and how it always has and will be.
  2. Having a sibling or siblings is no guarantee they will be the support you picture to each other. Siblings can fall out. My sibling lives in another country now. We do have a close relationship though and I am very grateful to have them in my life. I wish we'd had a closer relationship earlier, but I often hear of siblings growing closer as they get older, so maybe it's fairly normal. We are very different people with very different lives, but I do love and value my sibling very much. I'm glad my parents had my sibling.
ganvough · 22/04/2023 00:08

No, your child will have friends hopefully and hobbies!

I am an only and we had no extended family really. But I had loads of friends in my neighbourhood and school - and learnt to be very independent and happy in my own company. It's been a great trait as older. Think we socialise kids to think no siblings/family means lonely. What makes kids lonely is parents who don't understand them or spend enough time with them. My parents were always there for me despite both working.

The best part was my parents had the money to give me great education and travel - that couldn't have happened with two kids. And that's set me up for my own life - I have fab friends and don't miss out on anything siblings would have offered.

As for looking after parents when old - it's always just ONE kid who stays behind or steps in to look after the family. Hardly ever a joint effort so makes no difference if only child or with siblings. In fact can be worse with siblings as you argue over care, resentment on who steps in and who doesn't, who visits who doesn't, inheritance battles etc. I can make all the best decisions with no drama. Also my parents never have to choose which grandchild to spend most time with or offer childcare too. I love it!

ganvough · 22/04/2023 00:13

Also I think being sheltered is a parenting style rather than based on number of siblings.

As an only I had a summer job and was a tomboy who rode my bike and climbed trees. Left home at 21 for another country and created a whole life for myself all alone. My friend is one of 3, has never left the corner of the city he grew up in and was far more sheltered being an introvert with a very anxious mum.

Zippedydoo123 · 22/04/2023 04:05

I grew up as an only child but had loads of friends. Only children learn to become self reliant. We also love the peace and quiet as we grow up in a silent home.

Many siblings simply do not get on or they live far from each other. It really isn't a given that they will always be close and there for you.

Coffeeandbourbons · 22/04/2023 04:19

As you asked, and as I’m being 100% honest, yes a little - at least it’s probably something I would’ve factored into whether to have a baby to start with.

Of course there’s the possibility that they wouldn’t be close, but without having a sibling they wouldn’t even have that opportunity if you see what I mean?

I think (personally) that only children born to older parents, and therefore very very little or no blood family as an older adult, is going to change the fabric of society and result in a lot of very lonely people in 30+ years time.

I was on the fence about DC2, in my case I actually wanted another baby myself but worried about the impact on DC1 as resources would be split. What changed my mind was reading a thread asking adult onlys if they wish they had a sibling. The vast majority said yes; even if they hadn’t stayed close as adults.

I have a big family and while we have plenty of downs as well as ups, they’ve been my anchor over the years and it’s lovely having other people to share childhood memories with and rely on in times of need.

Phoebo · 22/04/2023 04:29

I think the problem is you don't know if you DC will be close to their siblings or not. If they are close then great, but from what I've observed in RL this is quite rare and if anything most siblings tolerate each other. I'd rather have no sibling, than a sibling I didn't really like much. I actually think you should ask some only children that are now adults that would use you a better idea.

WaitingfortheTardis · 22/04/2023 04:29

It is definitely never selfish to have one child. We have few relatives yet I was a very happy child with no brothers or sisters. A sibling would add absolutely nothing to my life. Also, for those mentioning elderly parents and care, I'm sorry but from what I've seen the load is rarely shared equally which in itself seems to lead to more resentment and stress. I have rarely seen siblings bring many benefits that a close friend couldn't.

Notarealmum · 22/04/2023 04:30

I was (am!) an only child in this situation and, being honest, I’ve hated it and still feel impacted by it.

Zippedydoo123 · 22/04/2023 06:39

I think it helps that my ds has half siblings on his dad's side. Although he only sees them 2 or 3 times a year as they live 100 miles away they keep in touch with him the whole time. It means that when I die he will still have plenty of family left whereas I have quite literally nobody as my parents died fairly early in my life and although I occasionally chat on facebook to 3 cousins they live far and we have very little in common to be honest.

BeatriceBatchelor · 22/04/2023 06:52

I think (personally) that only children born to older parents, and therefore very very little or no blood family as an older adult, is going to change the fabric of society and result in a lot of very lonely people in 30+ years time

Having blood relatives doesn't shield you from loneliness but friendships do. My happy only values and nurtures her friendships. And she will probably have her own family too.

violetskypurple · 22/04/2023 06:54

I grew up as an only child as did DP and we both hated it

We also have no family asides from our parents one auntie and that's exactly why we've chosen to have a second child

Tanfastic · 22/04/2023 07:02

I have siblings but don't get on with all of them, dh has siblings and rarely has anything to do with them, sees them at weddings and funerals and that's it.

The choice for a second child was taken out of our hands so I often feel the guilt.

My only ds is 15 now and we only this week had a conversation about it where I felt I had to apologise almost. His response was so grown up. He said "but I'm not arsed mum, I'll have my own family one day".

I still feel the guilt though as it wasn't through choice in our case.

Nejnej2 · 22/04/2023 07:08

I'm an only with no cousins closer than 5 years in age and none that we saw regularly anyway!

I didn't feel I missed out, my parents did prioritise lots of playgroups and play dates with friends to make up for it.

Agree with previous commenters that looking after parents when old will generally fall on one sibling anyway (and in the case of my Dads parents, it was my mum who did most of the work despite him having 3 siblings living locally!)

BeatriceBatchelor · 22/04/2023 07:08

He said "but I'm not arsed mum, I'll have my own family one day"

🙂you've raised a good lad there.

whatthejuice · 22/04/2023 07:11

Often people look at it as "loads of siblings don't get on" and "it's typical that one of the siblings will do the lion's share of caring for parents when they're elderly".

I'm sure that does happen but most people I know are very close to their siblings including me. We are both both only in our 30s but we have been an enormous comfort to each other through our parents' serious illnesses.

There's also the uncomfortable truth that lots of people don't get on with their parents. A sibling can offer a close family bond when that sadly happens.

Basically you can never predict what may happen in life but not having a second child because the child might not be close to their sibling anyway seems a negative way to approach things.

MrsComet · 22/04/2023 07:13

I have an only child by choice. Always thought I'd have 2 but as DD grew older I simply didn't want another - too much work and we are happy as we are. She's 7 now.

DH was an only child to a single mum and was happy, I had a DB and we get on OK but aren't very close.

Advantages: easier to share parenting duties with DH and get breaks, we can plan days out that are just what DD wants to, less juggling of after school clubs, easier to be spontaneous, really close and focused relationship with DD

Disadvantages: occasional guilt and social pressure, have to be more proactive to invite her friends over in the school holidays

pollykitty · 22/04/2023 07:15

Both my DH and I one of three and are not close to any of our siblings. I have one brother that I really dislike, actually. Not wishing him any bad things but cannot stand him. I’m only really close to my dad and my husband is not close to anyone in his family. I know people who have loving huge families and I think it’s lovely but having a second child or a large family is a guarantee of nothing really. You have no idea how your kids will feel about each other or who they will be.