is it selfish to have just one child when you don’t have much extended family?

[lokienji]

we have my parents, one cousin of mine with her family, my auntie (lives in another country) DHs grandparents and that is it. my sibling isn’t good to be around so I have little to do with her

see so many pros to having the one, youd have more resources, more time, able to focus on career and relationship etc and just enjoy life and treat them to more experiences and trips. any siblings liking one another isnt a given and I know that firsthand.. but if we did stick at one they wouldn’t grow up with or around a brother or sister or cousins and so I am not sure if this would be a more sheltered life than necessary, is it better to have a sibling in most circumstances? i recognise i might be biased by my negative experience ofcourse

Being in line to the throne isn’t really normal though.

I don’t think most families can be compared to the weird set up in the royal family

Yes there can be dodgy periods of falling out with siblings, etc, but when things are serious, just like normal people do, most siblings pull together when it’s important.

Honestly not my experience. I genuinely know more people who don't get along than do. It's really not uncommon, as can be seen on just about any forum and even when they're ok with each other it doesn't always mean that they'll be there for each other. And if you hate the so called worst case scenario picture then why is it ok for you to paint only children as sad pathetic troubled losers who walk around wincing at parties instead of having fun like everyone else? Why is it ok to criticise people who are only children but taboo to mention that siblings can have issues too?

The point of my posts though is that you should only have another child because you want one because there's no guarantee of how they'll get along and it's just foolish to base your decision on some hypothetical relationship that may or may not work out.

'Normal' family.

I don't know too many of them.

There's few families that are truly not dysfunctional in someway. Many don't realise it, but this idea of 'normal' is part of the problem for me.

The idea that there is an ideal we should all aspire to and somehow if we don't fit it something is wrong.

That's why you get this whole idea of only = selfish two = acceptable/normal.

This conformity drive causes so many problems and insecurities.

This is just bizarre. Honestly, if having a family is so shit, we may as well all relinquish our children at birth and leave them to be brought up in care...afteral, having a family has no benefits or advantages.

It's like me saying that I think I'd have hated having a sibling and I think I would have, especially considering how much space I need, but again that's hypothetical because I'll never know and in a parallel universe if my parents had a second perhaps we'd have got along really well and had a close relationship. That might well have happened.

Either way there's no guarantee so do what's right for you because ultimately the decision to have a second impacts the parents more than anyone.

This is just bizarre. Honestly, if having a family is so shit, we may as well all relinquish our children at birth and leave them to be brought up in care...afteral, having a family has no benefits or advantages.

I don't recall anyone claiming that.

Neither do I.

I find the idea that the number of children you have can relate to being selfish in any way.

No one has a crystal ball.

Some families are close and work well together. Others are not. Some have a smooth passage through life. Others do not.

There are no rights and wrongs.

What gets me is the judgement about it because of ideas about having no support / security etc etc because it's all about family as if it's a perfect universal thing. Which is clearly bullshit.

How about we all 'just do you' - which was my original point. Rather than worrying about what other fuck nuggets think?

I think you are mischaracterising what I said a bit here:

why is it ok for you to paint only children as sad pathetic troubled losers who walk around wincing at parties instead of having fun like everyone else?

You added the word ‘wincing’. Now you are adding ‘sad, pathetic, troubled’. These are your interpretations, not anything I claimed.

When there is a family get-together, I can see that there is a whole lot of unsaid stuff these cousins/niece want to share with a family member, something they can’t express with friends. They are relieved to be able to talk to me.

If their grandparents had only one child each, they wouldn’t even have that.

The OP is considering the implications of that dwindled family upon their own dc and I feel it’s important to think that through instead of going on about all the perfectly happy only children out there out of defensiveness.

I am an only and I love it. My dd is an only and she loves it. Small extended family. A lot of kids go on to have their own family and friends so are not lonely as they grow up. If anything onlies learn at a young age to be comfortable on their own and happy in their own skin. It depends on the individual and perspective. I had friends with siblings who fought like cat and dog growing up. Still dislike each other and I know for sure one of them would run a mile if an elderly parent needed help. A sibling is no guarantee of anything.

I agree with this. I'm also an only with an only I wouldn't say either myself or my parents are selfish.

I’m an only of older parents who died young - also have a v small extended family mainly cos most of them
died!
I never wanted kids late or an only because of this. I had both DCs in my early 30s and they are really close now as young adults. DH’s family isn’t big either so they don’t have big family things (although did grow up seeing cousins on DH’s side a lot they’re not close now).
I think your upbringing definitely colours your thoughts on this matter. I have just given my experience.

I mean if it makes you feel better...you can try to convince yourself that having a sibling is an awful experience if you want. I mean some people have horrible parents..that's not a good enough reason to say we'd all be better off as orphans.

Why do you think only your experience is right on this subject?
I had three brothers growing up, one died, one I never want to see again as long as I live and one who I get on ok with.
You're building having siblings up to ridiculous proportions.

Only on MN do siblings never get on- irl everyone I know sees their siblings regularly. Tbh even if you fall out as adults it’s rare to hate on eachother as young kids. Having just another kid on holiday, at home, at the dinner table makes like enjoyable- it can’t always be a play date.

I mean you could say it about anything. Marriage? Some are miserable aren't they? Not necessarily a reason to not marry though

I think what Comedy means is that siblings are the only arena on here where the worst case scenario is trotted out like it’s actually very likely. And therefore a reason not to do something.

Nobody goes on the ttc forums saying ‘don’t bother, I hate my mum and we’re not in touch, so no point having kids’.

Nobody posting about their wedding would be met with ‘I’m divorced, may as well cancel the whole thing because you could end up like me’.

Nobody starting threads about losing weight are told ‘I lost a load then piled it back on, so don’t even try’.

But with siblings they’re all raging alcoholics who just want to hang around like vultures to fight over the parents’ will.

Me too. In fact a close friend sent a photo this morning of her with her 3 siblings all getting ready for her sister’s hen weekend. So lovely and they looked so happy I saved it to my camera roll like a stalker! I love her family though, they’ve always been very kind to me.

Thanks...u said it much more eloquently than me!

The only experience close to me with a similar situation is a close friend of mine. It was just her and her parents from late teens/20s. Neither parent had siblings and they didn't have friends that were like family really. She lost her mum mid 20s and has just lost her dad. She is 45 now.

She isn't married and is literally on her own. She has lots of friends but its difficult when they all have partners, kids etc. Her friends include her in as much as possible but she finds it hard when people have big families etc as it really hits home to her.

Having siblings isn't a given to having people around if your parents aren't but the burden/stress she has struggled with in the last 20 years has been tough, she has had to help look after her dad as he wasn't really very independent and she had no one to help her. She had no one to help with arrangements after her dad's death either.

To be honest MN in general seems very against close families.

In RL most people I know are close to their parents and siblings and spend lots of time together. There are hardly any people I know who have nothing to do with their siblings or parents.

Also, people will tend to post on MN during the tough times and are less likely to start a thread saying “my sibling and I fell out about something a while ago and now we are getting on better than ever”. It would be bad form too, if someone is struggling with a relationship and you piped up with “I get on really well with my brother”. What would that add? You’d just be rubbing salt in the wound.

I don’t know if it’s against close families, but it definitely seems against ‘big’ families (more than 3 kids) and mother in laws.

Nothing brings out the rage on here like somebody with 5 kids doing an ‘ask me anything’!

People do tend to want to replicate their own childhood I’ve noticed - their own number of siblings feels like the ‘right’ number of siblings.

However, if you are an only child - you are likely to have had cousins knocking about, but if you go on to have an only child yourself, then they won’t have cousins, so it will be a different situation for them.

I think it is good that the OP is giving it some thought, because whatever decision she makes will affect not just her child/children, but future generations too.

Yes big families also I have seen lots of negative comments about but I have seen so often where people have been quite nasty about families helping each other out etc. Amongst my friends everyone does lots for their families and close friends, we all muck in.