is it selfish to have just one child when you don’t have much extended family?

[lokienji]

we have my parents, one cousin of mine with her family, my auntie (lives in another country) DHs grandparents and that is it. my sibling isn’t good to be around so I have little to do with her

see so many pros to having the one, youd have more resources, more time, able to focus on career and relationship etc and just enjoy life and treat them to more experiences and trips. any siblings liking one another isnt a given and I know that firsthand.. but if we did stick at one they wouldn’t grow up with or around a brother or sister or cousins and so I am not sure if this would be a more sheltered life than necessary, is it better to have a sibling in most circumstances? i recognise i might be biased by my negative experience ofcourse

Having an extended family is no guarantee that there will always be someone around. Growing up I had 5 uncles, 2 aunts all of whom went on to have a total of 26 children. I also had 3 grandparents. I only ever saw 1 uncle, 3 cousins and an aunt , none of them regularly and tbh I don't know where they live now or if, indeed, they are still alive. My 2 siblings very rarely contact me and I only see my 2 nieces because they still live near to where they grew up and where I live. I think I would have rather have had a small family that were around than a large one that was just a collection of faceless names.

We have 2, they are very very different people and do very little together. I have 2 siblings, as does DH. We don't see them often due to geography, I also have several cousins who I haven't seen for years. I am trying to point out, that even with a sibling and a medium sized, extended family, there isn't much family involvement in our lives.
So you have the family that is right for you.

What happens in your circles means nothing when that’s not what happens in all circles.

but you seem to think your anecdotal data is relevant, Maythe4th?

Well I had a sibling and now I don't anymore as he died so maybe I can see a bit of both sides.

I was close to my db and cherish my childhood:young adult memories of him but he moved to another country when he was in his 20s and didn't move back so if he were still here I'm not sure how much help and contact we'd have iyswim. He was also a lazy sod so I always expected to take on the elderly parent 'burden'. Dh has a number of siblings but only really gets on with one and we only see her once or twice a year. On that basis I don't think that's a reason to have a sibling in itself.

But I do miss having more family. It feels lonely that once my mum goes I will have no one who remembers the same things. However dh had lots of family and doesn't see them and doesn't feel at all the same.

sometimes it really can’t be helped - my husband and I both come from extended families that are very strung out in ages so our own cousins age wise are more like aunts/uncles or nieces/nephews than cousins so we’ve never been close. We each have a sibling but so far we’re the only ones in our generation who have managed to have a child and could only have 1 (infertility).

During his early years we spent a lot of time with friends with kids of similar ages so he benefited from cousin-like relationships with them. As he gets older we encourage his friends a lot, they’re already welcome here, and he plays team sports which have been incredibly beneficial to him- his relationship with his teammates as well as the coaches.

I would agree it’s not ideal and i think he does feel it at Christmas esp when all his mates are having huge extended family days, but it’s not the end of the world either. I agree with pp that sorting out your own future plans / thoughts about care / power of attorneys etc early is really important to try and take the stress off a bit later.

I'm in the same boat, no siblings and no close cousins. I loved being an only child growing up but as I get older I really feel I've missed out on siblings, especially since having my own children.

Such a great point! It's basically mumsnet! I've been thinking the same lately, usually it's not actually people who have experienced it but people giving their inexperienced opinions. I guess that's the downside of forums like this

I could never imagine having just one. I've got my 4 I wanted. Coming from a big family always having support, someone to chat to, best friends, family members during tough health times with older ones I never wanted just one to cope all alone if it came to it

Not selfish at all. Families aren't the be all and end all - you only have to read all the complaints on here to know that. Friends are the people we choose in life, and so much more valuable for that.

I do think using words like selfish is bat shit! One child means more money, more time, etc. There is no guarantee two siblings will get on or even like each other. They may choose to live far from each other, have very different lives etc.

Wouldn't call it selfish, self preservation maybe. Sensible people do their best to stick with the number of kids they can cope with. Odds are it's better to be an only child with parents that can cope than one of more with parents that can't.

And this is the problem. I've seen many who hate being part of a 4 or 5. You can never know or predict the future. Some people will love or hate a small family, some will love or hate a big family. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well aren't you nice?

Got a small family, well don't breed because it's unfair?

Wtf?!

Your family could get wiped out in a car crash for a family outing. Or move abroad. Or you might just fall out with them.

OP do what feels best for you. If you have kids, count on yourselves only and assume that's it. If you have others it's a bonus.

Business about wider family is overthinking bollocks and not very nice attitudes to boot.

OP asked.

Comedy replied; as did I.

You can’t act outraged that OP actively wanted opinions and some people have given them?

Yes she asked. The attitude still stinks.

You can’t act outraged that OP actively wanted opinions and some people have given them? why not? The opinions are unpleasant and judgemental, nothing more.

So yeah, if you’re going to judge someone for having an only child then I, and others, are perfectly within our rights to judge all this “what about familyyyyy, you’re depriving your children of a Hypothetical) wonderful Christmas with the hundreds of cousins” bollocks.

Asking for opinions doesn't mean "validate my decision for me" it literally means asking for opinions.

It's not about getting on with your siblings. Blood really is thicker than water. I do not get in with my sister but I wouldn't be without her . If I am in trouble I know she will be there for me

Number of Christmas I had with cousins = 1 when I was 4
They lived in middle of nowhere/Canada/we didn't have enough space for them/there was a big family fall out/

Number of Christmas DS has had with cousins = 0
We have visited them in December but it's a chore and we have little in common.

Obviously we are mentally scarred and deprived.

Number of Christmas with friends = 4 (out of 8 with DS)
DS loves this. We like this. More variety. Less stress.

Number of Christmas since I spoke to my sibling who has no children = 15

Also, if your sibling fails to have children, have they failed you if you 'go first' with the expectation they will have kids? Does this mean you should have three children to try and reduce the chances of 'failure to reproduce' for your children so they can have the correct number of grandchildren/cousins?

How does this work with divorce and family breakdown? Do you have to go around even more houses to ensure equitable Christmi?

It's fucking bonkers logic.

You should only spawn if there is mass spawning in your family and everyone else should just end their genetic lines because of 'selfishness'.

It's not only a nasty attitude. It's a warped insane logic.

That's not the case for everyone though is it?

I could rely on certain friends but my sibling wouldnt scratch their own arse for anyone else in the family.

You could look at it from another angle and say that having more children than you can easily handle would be less sensible if you don't have family support.

Honestly, I tend to think there are pros and cons to all family sizes, and the only real variable you should be looking at is what you as parents prefer and how you cope.

I don't think it's selfish, no. Having a child with the intention that they be a companion for your other child isn't generally a good idea. Kids are individuals. They might be great friends, they might not be. What's important is that people have the number of children they can want and can manage: emotionally, practically, financially, etc. Children thrive with happy, engaged, non-stressed and non-stretched parents.

For me, that doesn't work - I've got some really close girlfriends and recently had cards from two and a zoom meeting to chat arranged by another two, when they found out I got pneumonia a couple of weeks ago. My brother knows I'm unwell, but hasn't even asked via WhatsApp how I am since...

I get on with him, but I'm not really sure he has my back tbh... my DH has my back, my brother not so much. t is what it is, we get on fine but it's all quite long distance now -

so I don't think you can generalise that everyone's relationship with siblings is like your own.

Some of the replies on this thread

OP I'm an only to slightly older parents. They felt like they were too old to have a second. No cousins or close family my age either. I had the best upbringing possible and I credit some of that to being an only. Parents were medium earners and only having me meant they were always able to take me on nice holidays abroad, nice family activities, hobbies, help me as I got older financially with driving lessons/uni etc. If I'd had brothers or sisters those things just wouldn't have all been possible. Our house was always lovely and calm and tidy. My mother was never overstretched and never seemed overwhelmed. She did make plenty of effort to make sure friends came over though, and she was very social with other mums resulting in the two of us going on days out with other parents and children she met along the way.

I honestly can't say it's negatively affected my life at all. I was very good at entertaining myself to play and perfectly happy in my own company and still am!

With regards to the aspect of parents getting older and the care needs we watched my grandparents get old and require assistance and despite my mother having a brother and sister she did the lion share of the care work, something that caused a lot of tension between the siblings. Myself and my mum and dad have talked a lot about their wishes for help at home and care going forwards and I don't anticipate that being an issue. Though I have a community nursing background myself so probably feel more confident in this area than some.

I'm really shocked that some people really think having an only child is such an issue. Do people really think only children all grow up to be lonely people who don't manage a social life? Absolutely not true in my case. I have lots of friends from all different parts of my life, a fab DH with a family who've welcomed me and my parents. We don't have children yet but if we have a first and don't fancy a second for whatever reason I absolutely will not feel guilty or consider myself selfish and I'm completely confused as to why I should.

My parents died when I was pretty young...my mum when I was a child and my dad when I was in my very early twenties. You still have your parents which is great but if that had happened to you too, how would you have felt? All your immediate family gone and you being the only one left? Whilst friends can be great, I find many of them are very busy and preoccupied with their own families.