is it selfish to have just one child when you don’t have much extended family?

[lokienji]

we have my parents, one cousin of mine with her family, my auntie (lives in another country) DHs grandparents and that is it. my sibling isn’t good to be around so I have little to do with her

see so many pros to having the one, youd have more resources, more time, able to focus on career and relationship etc and just enjoy life and treat them to more experiences and trips. any siblings liking one another isnt a given and I know that firsthand.. but if we did stick at one they wouldn’t grow up with or around a brother or sister or cousins and so I am not sure if this would be a more sheltered life than necessary, is it better to have a sibling in most circumstances? i recognise i might be biased by my negative experience ofcourse

I wonder if it is a primitive kind of envy.

I feel a bit irrationally envious of women with more kids than me - not to the point I’d show it, but part of me would love to have about 8 kids (if it didn’t involve giving birth 8 times and doing all the work 😂).

Only on MN do siblings never get on- irl everyone I know sees their siblings regularly. Tbh even if you fall out as adults it’s rare to hate on eachother as young kids

It isn't just a MN thing judging by the numerous articles and posts on the subject on a plethora of forums. Sibling rivalry at a young age isn't rare either. It's one of the most commonly discussed topics on parenting forums and in parenting books. That doesn't mean that everyone has this issue, some clearly get along incredibly well, but I don't understand this apparent need to refuse to acknowledge that not everyone loves their siblings. It's really not that uncommon whether it makes people feel uncomfortable or not.

I get that, that would obviously be unfair however if someone posts something like my brother has done/not done XYZ then posters will say well they don't owe you anything so why do you think they should etc. That sort of thing I meant. It's rife on MN.

I’m not sure if I envy the 5 kids but I definitely envy the type of woman that copes with 5 kids! Laid back, organised, basically all the things I try to be and fail!

There’s that too. I do marvel at the mums with more kids than me.

Yes. That’s quite odd isn’t it?

It is actually normal to be kind and caring and to expect that in return within families.

Nothing brings out the rage on here like somebody with 5 kids doing an ‘ask me anything’!

Well considering the impact on an already fucked environment, of all those children, assuming that they aren't adopted, that we all know about now in a way that people didn't a few decades ago, that's hardly surprising. I don't really get the point of AMA about something so mundane but that's another topic.

I do envy their parents' patience though. I'd have yeeted at least 3 of them out the nearest window long ago if I had 5 or more to deal with but I don't envy the number of kids, just the ability to deal with all that noise and stress.

Not selfish. My sibling is awful. Present, connected and loving parents are what counts, not siblings or extended family.

Definitely envy the parents patience.

I think it would be extremely rare for someone to not love their siblings, even if they fight like cat and dog. Sometimes siblings who are constantly squabbling as children end up really close as adults. Relationships can go through phases and that familial love runs underneath the surface antipathy.

Definitely. I totally get that some siblings don't get on, but in general I don't think its a huge expectation for families to be there for each other.

Interestingly enough, I met a bloke who hated his identical twin. That’s hard to get your head around.

I think it would be extremely rare for someone to not love their siblings, even if they fight like cat and dog.

But it isn't extremely rare. It really isn't. It might make you feel comfortable to believe so but that's not the case. That doesn't mean that the majority feel like that but it's far from being extremely rare. Another quick Google shows how incredibly common it is.

I don’t think google is the thing to go on there. All it provides is snapshots, not longitudinal studies.

I know plenty of people who eyeroll, sigh and snort about their siblings. Even slagging them off behind their back. That doesn’t mean they don’t love them.

if the environment is fucked why did you have a child?

I agree. I have an only too. Some of my cousins are my best friends.. not overly close with my siblings although I am 1 of 4.

I’m an only child of a single parent. Two grandparents until I was 13, then 1 til I was 26, and an aunt who spent most of my childhood not speaking to the rest of us, and doesn’t now. I do feel a bit resentful that I’m the only one dealing with my (difficult) elderly mother now tbh. But any of this could probably have happened in a large family too. I don’t have kids of my own either, so I won’t have family when my mother dies, which is a slightly lonely prospect. I definitely feel ‘familyless’ more as I’ve aged and friendships change. People usually cope with the set up they end up in though, and I’m not sure you can engineer it really, even if you try.

I’m an only child of a single parent. Two grandparents until I was 13, then 1 til I was 26, and an aunt who spent most of my childhood not speaking to the rest of us, and doesn’t now. I do feel a bit resentful that I’m the only one dealing with my (difficult) elderly mother now tbh. But any of this could probably have happened in a large family too. I don’t have kids of my own either, so I won’t have family when my mum dies, which is a slightly daunting prospect. I definitely feel ‘familyless’ more as I’ve aged and friendships change. People usually cope with the set up they end up in though!

I don’t think google is the thing to go on there. All it provides is snapshots, not longitudinal studies.

I know plenty of people who eyeroll, sigh and snort about their siblings. Even slagging them off behind their back. That doesn’t mean they don’t love them.

There's plenty of articles and books on the subject too. There's literally millions of pages dedicated to it. I know plenty of real life examples too. Why does it make you so uncomfortable to accept that it is relatively common? It's really not a new concept.

if the environment is fucked why did you have a child?

I don't have a child.

No, I don’t think so at all.

DH is an only and so is DS (although not by choice). I have one brother, we get on okay but are not close.

DS is happy and balanced, has always been outgoing and has lots of friends.

Asking only children on mumsnet if they would like a sibling is utterly meaningless. In your imagination the missing sibling is always going to be lovely.

Ask mumsnetters if they would rather be only children, see how that goes!

You are overthinking it.

Don't have a second child just because you think the first one will be lonely in their old age, have one because you want to. You.

Siblings do not necessarily get on with one another anyway, as evidenced by so many threads on here, and your experience with your own sibling.

Why does it make you so uncomfortable to accept that it is relatively common?

It isn’t uncomfortable, it just contradicts my own experience.

Ive had difficult phases with my siblings but I didn’t stop loving them at those times. I know loads of other people with siblings and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have that familial love going on even if there is surface resentment.

My experience is more like- a friend constantly slags of their brother and then their brother does something positive and you see the teary pride it causes in your friend’s face - which betrays their deeper feeling all along.

I don’t think present conflict/frustration/disappointment = irreparable relationship for ever, for siblings.

It’s tough being the only child of ageing and frail parents.