is it selfish to have just one child when you don’t have much extended family?

[lokienji]

we have my parents, one cousin of mine with her family, my auntie (lives in another country) DHs grandparents and that is it. my sibling isn’t good to be around so I have little to do with her

see so many pros to having the one, youd have more resources, more time, able to focus on career and relationship etc and just enjoy life and treat them to more experiences and trips. any siblings liking one another isnt a given and I know that firsthand.. but if we did stick at one they wouldn’t grow up with or around a brother or sister or cousins and so I am not sure if this would be a more sheltered life than necessary, is it better to have a sibling in most circumstances? i recognise i might be biased by my negative experience ofcourse

I don’t think it is ‘really common’, maybe on Mn. I only know of a couple of sibling relationships where they truly despise each other and don’t speak.

No it's not just a MN thing. A quick Google will prove that and I genuinely know far more people who don't get along with their siblings than those they do and when I worked in care the care did fall most of the time to one sibling. I did have a couple of clients where a few siblings banded together but even then there was usually at least one who wasn't involved. My Mother had to care for her Mother with dementia and her three siblings didn't help. They also had their own issues which required her support

I'm an only child and I've been a carer for family members 3x now and personally I found it "easier" to do it alone rather than be resentful about people who could help but didn't. Plus if the siblings have very different ideas of what the care should involve e.g care home or not then that can become a real battleground and another source of stress.

You could also "give" a child a sibling and that sibling requires care. This happened to a family friend. Her second child was born with a learning disability then had a stroke so also became physically disabled so couldn't be the source of support that she hoped they'd be.

You should only have another child because you want one not on the basis of some hypothetical relationship that might not come to fruition. A sibling could be their best friend, their worst enemy or anything in between. There's no guarantees.

Personally I love being an only child and I've never desired a sibling.

Your analysis on having a sibling is absolute nonsense. Vast majority of people I know get on with their siblings...it's not a romanticised idealistic notion. I'd be lost without my sister. We are there to support each other. It's great to have someone who shared the same upbringing. No friend will ever understand your past like a sibling will.

@MayThe4th but you could say the same about having children at all couldn’t you? Why bother, they might hate you and go NC? There are far more threads on here about toxic parent relationships than toxic sibling ones.

Of course some siblings don’t like each other! But to say ‘most’ siblings aren’t close or ‘most’ move away from each other is a bit bizarre. Maybe the latter but not the former unless you’ve been unlucky in who you know.

Will my kids be close growing up? I have no idea. I like to think they would be there for each other even if not close. Who knows. For me it’s not just about that though, I think the experience of a sibling is valuable in isolation regardless of how well they get along - living alongside another little person, working through arguments together, learning to share, looking out for someone else, another child so they’re ‘the kids’ rather than a third small adult.

The only children I know are wonderful but quite intense and perhaps not the most relaxed of characters. A huge emphasis gets put on academic achievement and being ‘the best’ to justify the time and resources their parents focus on them. A couple of the onlys I know have said they really felt that pressure.

There’s ups and downs to both, but essentially it’s all an unknown. ‘They might not get along’ is no more likely to happen than ‘they might squander their private school education and house deposit that they had due to being an only’.

Plus you can still have friends and siblings I’m close to both my siblings and my 3 very best friends who have been in my life since I was 10!

it’s estimated that around 40% of families in the uk have one child and I’m sure some will have similar circumstances with small extended families - it’s not as unusual as you think. in the current climate I think we will see this figure grow and grow with cost of living, women wanting careers and having babies later, the difficulties of juggling life with a child with no extended family help etc. The idealised version of family life - let’s face it, a nuclear family with son and daughter - just isn’t practical or desirable for many now. It is not selfish at all to put your own wants/needs first and stop at one. Lots do the same.

I’m an only “child”. My parents are both dead. I have one cousin that I see quite regularly and my Mum’s youngest brother. Another cousin that I am in regular phone contact with. Both of the cousins that I see have their own extended families (one is one of five, the other is one of two), and my Mum’s brother has four grown up kids and grandkids. They are very much involved with their siblings and families and I always feel like I am on the periphery. This is why I had more than one child.

We have one and not much family. I’m not worried about it, he’ll be fine. I absolutely would not ‘give’ my son a sibling just so he potentially had a friend. It doesn’t work that way.

Also DH and I are determined that we won’t be a burden in old age so we have plenty in place to ensure he’s financially secure and wouldn’t be expecting him to look after us.

I absolutely would not ‘give’ my son a sibling just so he potentially had a friend

It's not just about having a friend...it's an increased support network. An extended family for any potential grandchildren too.

This isn't my observation at all.

Most people I know like and get on with their siblings! Unless there's a huge age gap, but most people I know with a 0-6 year age gap get on.

I think indifference or getting on is the norm v. hating each other.

When parents are elderly, the emotional turmoil of that is better shared with a sibling, even if the relationship between siblings isn't amazing.

May be a cultural thing though, whereby many western families v. certain other cultures don't seem to be close

It also extends beyond just the child.

It's also about your grandchildren having cousins etc too!

Easier from a parenting perspective as young children play together

Agree...if an only child marries an only child...their children will have no aunts, uncles or cousins. It's just a linear line of parent and child. What happens at Christmas or other celebrations? Or weddings? I find the whole idea really sad. I think back to my childhood Christmases at my aunt and uncle house, running round like crazy with my cousins and sister.

I wouldn't say selfish but I do think it's a consideration and will likely effect them later on.

I always felt my family was small and wished it wasn't. Then again, I do have a sibling, but they've chosen to live overseas, so that hasn't really helped!

I'm an only, and this is true of me, too. I'm very self-reliant, have friends and so on.

However, my parents had me when they were in their 30s (I'm in my late 50s) and are no longer alive. All the generation above me are dead. I have one cousin who is thousands of miles away. I'm divorced, and have adult DC, both of whom have difficulties/disabilities. They are the only family I have. I've had various shitty things happen to me over the last year or so, and am struggling a bit with 'having no one'. I know having aunts, cousins and siblings doesn't mean you all get along, but still, there's no one in my life who has known me my whole life, and who 'gets' me.

It amazes me that only children are fair game for judgement and criticism on here and yet anyone suggesting that sibling relationships are overrated is criticised.

People need to think about what they’re saying here, because plenty of people are unable to have more than one child, so if you’re saying that only children are socially isolated, that they grow up selfish, lacking social skills and all the other criticisms levelled at them on this and other threads, then you’re essentially saying that those children who are only children not through choice but through circumstances are still all those things, because if that’s what you think of only children and parents of only children, that view doesn’t change purely because the only child is an only through secondary infertility.

So people on here have a good relationship with their siblings. Good for them. But the reality is that if they didn’t have those siblings they wouldn’t know any different. A child with siblings can no more know what it’s like to be an only child than an only child can know what it’s like to have siblings.

So how about people just respect other people’s choices and keep your judgements and criticisms which are based on nothing more than your personal opinions to yourselves.

I definitely don't agree it's 'rare' in real life for siblings to get on.

I've only ever known one person who actively disliked his sibling. He was a boyfriend I had at university and if I'm honest it's actually one of the things that put me off him. I remember thinking 'who actually dislikes their own sibling that much?!' It was so unusual to me that he would express such a strong feeling and I didn't really want to get mixed up in that dynamic.

Of everyone else I've ever spoken to/ known about, their relationships have ranged from very very close, to amicable but know that they would always be there for each other.

Most people in my actual friendship/family group are close to their siblings and they add a lot to their lives. But I understand that's not always the case.

I myself am close to my sibling and am very thankful for the other amazing people (SIL and nieces/nephews) that he's brought into my life. Again we've probably gotten closer and closer as we've gotten older and it's a totally irreplaceable relationship.

So how about people just respect other people’s choices and keep your judgements and criticisms which are based on nothing more than your personal opinions to yourselves

The op literally asked for opinions.

But so many people don’t live in the same areas any more so this whole huge family dynamic where all the cousins and aunties and uncles are together is pretty rare, and it’s certainly not worth having more than one child just so they get to spend Christmas with a load of family they don’t have much of a relationship with the rest of the year.

I have a sibling, we grew up abroad, so I had 0 relationship with any of my numerous cousins growing up, and wouldn’t know most of them if I passed them in the street. Similarly I live around 120 miles away from my sibling and we see each other maybe two/three times a year.

People fantasise about a relationship which in many instances isn’t how they thought it would be.

And in truth withe the age at which people are having children increasing in the way it is, it’s not going to be long before we have grandparentless generations, so that won’t be a consideration anyway.

Friendships definitely shield you from loneliness for sure, but so do siblings.

I know if I was having a shit time I could turn up at my siblings house and would be welcomed in no questions asked. That is something that adds so much security to my life.

Again it's not rare in my circles. People travel to see family, it's just how it is.

My kids grew up seeing their cousins (on both sides) at least every two months and often a lot more frequently.

They went on holiday together, spent Xmas and birthdays together.

This dynamic is now repeating itself with my grandchildren. Most of my friends have been the same to a lesser or greater extent.

But of course it's not selfish to make a decision to have an only. They will benefit in other ways

My sister has a good friend who is an only child. She has no grandparents left alive and now her Dad has died. She told my sister once her Mum dies, she feels she will be alone in the world. She is 27 and not married and has no children. Her Mum has cancer which is being treated. I know siblings cannot be guaranteed to get along but I think more do than don't. I have 4 sisters and we are all close. When our parents died it was a comfort knowing I still had my sister's.

I think (personally) that only children born to older parents, and therefore very very little or no blood family as an older adult, is going to change the fabric of society and result in a lot of very lonely people in 30+ years time.

If people get lonely it won't be because they don't have siblings but because they're on social media screens all day long! If anything I believe smaller families are forcing people to engage more in their communities and with friends - rather than living an insular life with family as only close connections.

So? What happens in your circles means nothing when that’s not what happens in all circles.

People’s opinions are going to be based on their own experiences not on facts. You can no more say that having more than one child means a close family relationship than someone can say that having only one is going to mean a lonely upbringing. You can only comment on your own situation, in my situation there is no close family relationship because we didn’t grow up in the same area, and in truth even if we had most of my cousins aren’t people I would choose to have a relationship with not because I don’t get on with them but because we have nothing in common.

That is why these threads are so pointless, because they just turn into a chorus of people all trying to prove why their opinion is the most valid and why anyone else’s view should be dismissed.

4 sisters...I'm jealous...I'd have loved more siblings.

In relation to your friends situation, it's very sad and one thing I worry about is that people in that situation may end up feeling more pressure to meet a partner and settle down so that they're less alone...this doesn't always lead to great choices.

So @MayThe4th I was just responding to your assertion that close familial relationships are 'rare'.

I totally accept that your family dynamic wasn't close but from my experience it's not 'rare'.