is it selfish to have just one child when you don’t have much extended family?

[lokienji]

we have my parents, one cousin of mine with her family, my auntie (lives in another country) DHs grandparents and that is it. my sibling isn’t good to be around so I have little to do with her

see so many pros to having the one, youd have more resources, more time, able to focus on career and relationship etc and just enjoy life and treat them to more experiences and trips. any siblings liking one another isnt a given and I know that firsthand.. but if we did stick at one they wouldn’t grow up with or around a brother or sister or cousins and so I am not sure if this would be a more sheltered life than necessary, is it better to have a sibling in most circumstances? i recognise i might be biased by my negative experience ofcourse

Having siblings doesn't automatically mean (generic), you will have any support from them when the time comes...in my case it was my DP and best mate that were there when I was going through the nightmare that was a "lockdown funeral" not once but twice in 2020. My siblings were, apparently, too "overwhelmed" by it all. Neither of them gave a shit how I felt, they just left me to get on with it I may as well have been an only child for all the help and support I got from them.

Having siblings doesn't automatically mean (generic), you will have any support from them when the time comes

Well it gives you a better chance than if you have none at all.

Well it gives you a better chance than if you have none at all.

Sometimes it's a hindrance they offer rather than support. The only support a friend saw when her Mother and then a sibling died was that both times, two of the siblings colluded to deprive the others of most of their inheritance. Another was left by her 3 siblings to deal with the sale and clearance of the house and all funeral admin and no help at all though one did show up to demand most of the items they wanted and to complain about the price that she accepted for the home.

I'll happily do without that kind of help.

I wouldn’t call it selfish.

However, the only children in my extended family are visibly in pain at family gatherings. Yes they get to inherit everything from their parents without splitting it so they have the certainty of financial security, but they are so desperate for their cousins. Family and the feeling of security and belonging they bring are something money can’t buy.

As a parent, some things are easier and other things are harder, either way. Having more than one child means on holidays you can kick back and relax- let them get on with it instead of having to manage their entertainment and social life. Also, both my dc have sort of lobbied me on behalf of the other, so I’ve been less likely to overlook or dismiss something important to them as just being ‘normal kid stuff’.

My family of origin is much bigger than mine - I only have 2 dc, so I feel a bit sad that I don’t have all the bustle of a bigger family at home, but on the other hand I am definitely able to give both all the attention they need and get on with everything else.

However, the only children in my extended family are visibly in pain at family gatherings

Have you tried stopped kicking them in the shins?

As an only child I can't relate to this. Are you sure that you aren't projecting? Why would they be walking around wincing? It's just weird regardless of how they feel about their only child status.

I have 30+ plus cousins. They're nice and I'm fond of some of them but I'm far from desperate for them and don't see them often which is fine by me. I regularly went on holiday with a bunch of them and it was nice but I enjoyed holidays with just my parents just as much and sometimes more.

I'm not sure about a more relaxing holiday as two cousins in particular spent most of their time fighting with each other whether on holiday or at home, and had to constantly be refereed. I was usually happy reading a book or bug hunting.

Sorry but every single one of those things depends on your family!!!

DS has cousins who are the same age and ones who are much younger. He gets nothing from the ones who are younger and the ones who are the same age he increasingly has different interests from and it's harder to get them doing the same things.

As for doing things on holiday and interests, again that depends on the type of holiday you go on and what your family are like. We do things with DS as a family. If he wants to go off and do activities we can facilitate that too. He gets on with random kids really easily. He will happily play with whoever is around and has bags of confidence.

DS is also remarkably secure and doesn't really crave attention from wider family. He is the youngest in our friendship circle of families so he almost has 'cousins' from that who he has grown up with and half a dozen adults who all look out for him in addition to us.

The idea that these things can only come from family is just wrong.

No I am not projecting. They’ve spoken to me about feeling like outsiders and really wanting family when the shit hits the fan. I have a niece who live in another country and she is an only child of an only child. She is always desperate to ask questions about my DC and the family generally- she wants to feel she belongs.

Perhaps it is because all of these only children in the extended family have suffered bereavement or other big issues and it seems a lot to bear without a sibling to make sense of it with.

Maybe you are lucky Clara.

I agree with this. My friends are more important to me than my family has ever been (it’s just my parents and I’m not that close to them).

I’m an only as is my dad, who is estranged from his abusive mother. My mum has two brothers she never sees, one doesn’t keep in touch at all, the other she speaks to on the phone occasionally. I haven’t seen my cousins for about 15 years, and as a kid the distance between them and where I grew up meant I only saw them about twice a year anyway. None of us keep in touch of our own accord because we don’t really know each other so no relationship ever really developed.

I never wanted siblings growing up and I don’t feel I’m missing out by not having them as an adult. In fact when I hear my friends talking about family politics and obligations with families they don’t particularly like or get on with, I’m glad not to have to be part of any of that. My partner has one brother who is autistic and unable to live independently so they don’t have much of a relationship either apart from when he visits his parents.

Some big families might all genuinely love each other and be friends as well as family, but it’s not guaranteed. Neither is it guaranteed that only children will be lonely and miserable. If you bring up your child to have the confidence to be themselves and pursue whatever life they want and invest in good friendships they’ll be fine.

My only sibling, three years older than me, never wanted anything to do with me. That rejection was, and still is, more hurtful than being an only child would have been.

Every family is different.

Personally, I would tell you to have the number of children that you actually want and can afford to have, because there is no clear right or wronwhen this issue.

I always find it the most bizarre thing.

No children = not selfish. Too many people on the planet, very sensible.

1 child = extremely selfish

2 children = the norm, acceptable.

Your choices are yours and no one will ever understand your unique family set up. Don't let anyone ever tell you your selfish for making decisions based on your family. It's no one else's business.

Perhaps it is because all of these only children in the extended family have suffered bereavement or other big issues and it seems a lot to bear without a sibling to make sense of it with.

I've dealt with a lot of big issues in my family including bereavement. I've still never felt the desire for a sibling. Others may feel differently but regardless of how you feel about your only child status, walking about visibly wincing in pain is just incredibly fucking weird.

I'm not the only content only child I know either.

Visibly in pain 😂😂😂 I actually laughed out loud at that. I’m an only and I really, really cannot relate to this at all. I love my life and have created security and belonging for myself. Maybe your family bangs on about the importance of family so much you’re contributing to their pain?

Family and the feeling of security and belonging they bring are something money can’t buy

Agree...Some people have such odd ideas of family and are so flippant about the security and benefits that come from having a family. It's very sad.

They aren’t wincing in pain fgs. I can see the pain in their eyes. I know they want to pull me to one side for a private catch up.

So good for you and all the perfectly happy, secure only children you know who never felt they missed out on not having a sibling.

I speak from my experience, you speak from yours.

I have no interest in judging what other people decide, but my own experience has informed my choices.

I agree with this. My friends are more important to me than my family has ever been

I have some good friends but most people I know are incredibly busy with their own family. Friendships are conditional and much harder work. Like for example, I could go round to my sisters today tell her I'm tired, nap on her sofa, rummage through her fridge and she'll tell me the truth about what I'm wearing and no one gets offended. You can't do those things with friends.

No I am not projecting. They’ve spoken to me about feeling like outsiders and really wanting family when the shit hits the fan. I have a niece who live in another country and she is an only child of an only child. She is always desperate to ask questions about my DC and the family generally- she wants to feel she belongs.

Thats not exclusive to being an only child though!!!

You can feel like that in a big family.

I do have friends I could do that with though.

Agree...Some people have such odd ideas of family and are so flippant about the security and benefits that come from having a family. It's very sad.

Family can bring a lot of pain as well as pleasure. My Mother loved her 4 siblings(They're all gone now, none of them saw 60) but none of the 3 who reached adulthood were a source of support to her in any respect and because of their alcohol and other issues meant that they were a constant source of worry and stress. They were additional people to care for. There was no help from any of them when her parents died.

And yes I know that some siblings are great. Two of my cousins lost their Father last year and really supported each other but they've always been very close and are both wonderful people. Their positive(In the sense of the support they gave each other) experience is very much in the minority in the people I know. So personally I'm glad not to have someone else to fight over the inheritance/funeral details/house clearance etc with. Bereavement is stressful enough without that.

Not all families are like this though. You can find greater security with friends in some cases.

It's weird how people think it's ONLY family that provides warmth, love, security and a sense of belonging.

I can't say that my family is a shining example of several of those!

I know they want to pull me to one side for a private catch up.

Isn't that normal at any gathering regardless of how many siblings you have or don't have? People do tend to talk more to certain people. It's difficult to talk to a whole room. Going around looking pained certainly isn't normal though.

I do have friends I could do that with though.

Same here.

I don’t really like this ‘worst case scenario’ comparisons. It makes me think of all the lobbying to come between parents and their own children because in the ‘worst case scenario’, they ‘might not accept’ their kid if they are gay or whatever.

The norm is that most siblings aren’t alcoholics who give us a load of stress, or evil inheritance grabbers. Most siblings are normal people with normal values.

Yes there can be dodgy periods of falling out with siblings, etc, but when things are serious, just like normal people do, most siblings pull together when it’s important.

I can see why some people are being so defensive on this thread. But come on.

DS is an only. I wanted more but his dad turned into a complete dickhead. I have 2 sisters who I am LC/NC with, a mother I can't stand, a dad/step mum I like but 6 hours away, 7 cousins and their kids who love miles away and don't follow anything he does on Facebook. So it's just him and me really. Seems to suit us fine!

Heir and a spare. Look how that one keeps working out...