is it selfish to have just one child when you don’t have much extended family?

[lokienji]

we have my parents, one cousin of mine with her family, my auntie (lives in another country) DHs grandparents and that is it. my sibling isn’t good to be around so I have little to do with her

see so many pros to having the one, youd have more resources, more time, able to focus on career and relationship etc and just enjoy life and treat them to more experiences and trips. any siblings liking one another isnt a given and I know that firsthand.. but if we did stick at one they wouldn’t grow up with or around a brother or sister or cousins and so I am not sure if this would be a more sheltered life than necessary, is it better to have a sibling in most circumstances? i recognise i might be biased by my negative experience ofcourse

Exactly!

And even if a sibling was 100% going to benefit the first child (which isn’t guaranteed anyway) the feminist in me says why the hell should a woman go through TTC, pregnancy and childbirth and the associated risks, to have a child she doesn’t want? Then potentially take an hit to her financial independence, career prospects and lifestyle to parent that child?

And what child wants to be born unwanted by their parents and with an expected role to play for their sibling?

I have 4 siblings but as I’m an introvert, I’d have been happy as an only child. However, my child is an only one and desperately wants us to move to be near my family as he’s lonely. He’s so amazing towards his cousins and would have made a lovely brother. I don’t want to leave my life in London, but being a single mother is hard, especially with a child being vocal about feeling lonely.

This is stupid. A good sibling relationship is not guaranteed at all. A sibling could just as likely cause distress as they could provide companionship to you or your kids

No it isn't selfish and some people have no choice, we can't judge. Things often pan out quite well. Very often extended family move away or emigrate - or die.

It's how things work out with parents and child that matters. Important to keep open house and for her or him to have friends, be confident, etc.

They might marry someone with siblings, nieces and nephews.

Not everything can be planned and executed as one would wish.

I am an only. I was always desperate to have a sibling as I was always very lonely throughout childhood. I have a DH and DC now and am still lonely. I desperately wish to have extended family on my side who I could have grown up with. I find it extremely hard to make friends and bond with people because I didn't get the practice when I was young. Also it feels like family traditions from my side don't matter as it's drowned out by what happens on my in-laws side.

Sounds like you have loads of family!!

that being said I’m soooo grateful to have a sibling, especially when my parents got divorced

I think if circumstances dictate you only have one then I wouldn't say its selfish. I do always think of a girl I went to school with whose parents had both died by the time she was in her mid twenties. She had no siblings and was always a bit odd so she's really struggled (as far as I can tell from social media anyway). I don't know if she was a bit strange because she didn't have siblings or whether she'd have been strange anyway but at least would have had people who were her default for holidays, celebrations etc. But then the flip side of the coin after her parents had died she inherited their house and was able to buy her own place outright.

You shouldn’t have more children solely to provide your child with a sibling, or mainly for this reason.
Having a child is always a massive roll of the dice.
A sibling with severe sen for example is going to shape the siblings’ childhood and they may feel responsible for them as an adult, while the sibling can’t offer any support in return.
Or they grow up and emigrate to Australia 🤷‍♀️
You can’t ensure that siblings will be close, have an equal relationship and be mutually supportive.
If you want another child, a good relationship between siblings would be great but you can’t guarantee it.
Better to have them because you want them and are able to provide for and nurture them so that they are strong, independent people who can make their own healthy relationships and establish their own support networks as adults.
I have a big family but they are not a part of my life as an adult. I have my own family and friends / neighbours we have made along the way.