is it selfish to have just one child when you don’t have much extended family?

[lokienji]

we have my parents, one cousin of mine with her family, my auntie (lives in another country) DHs grandparents and that is it. my sibling isn’t good to be around so I have little to do with her

see so many pros to having the one, youd have more resources, more time, able to focus on career and relationship etc and just enjoy life and treat them to more experiences and trips. any siblings liking one another isnt a given and I know that firsthand.. but if we did stick at one they wouldn’t grow up with or around a brother or sister or cousins and so I am not sure if this would be a more sheltered life than necessary, is it better to have a sibling in most circumstances? i recognise i might be biased by my negative experience ofcourse

I have one child, I am an only one and my husband is an only one. Apart from my mum and his dad , only time we ever see any relations is at funerals. It never ever crossed my mind that was an issue. To me, having a second child to play with (look after in some cases) the first is really odd. A burden to put on them , they may love each other, they may not.

A sibling isn’t a gift to give your existing child. Whilst having children in general is usually selfish there is nothing especially selfish about having the family size you want and that suits you.

My eldest was an only child until he was 10 and I could give him loads of experiences, holidays, attention etc and I think he benefited from that.

My second became a big brother when he was four and seeing the bond between him and his little brother is amazing (and big brother but to less extent because of age gap). Not so many experiences but he loves having brothers.

I don't think it's selfish either way necessarily. There's pros and cons to both 😊 you can make up for it by doing loads of social things with friends and after school clubs.

You already know a sibling is no guarantee of a big happy family. My ds is an only, we are a small family (I'm a lone parent), he does have cousins near by but we rarely see them. What he does have is loads of friends and a busy social life (teenager now). I made sure we lived close to his school (everyone goes to catchment school here), so all his school pals are also neighbours, they played out from a young age and he is still good friends with them all.
One of the advantages of having one is we've always been able to take a friend on days out.
My sibling bullied me and I wish I had been an only.

OP I would only have a second child if you (and any partner) want a second child. As you say there’s no guarantee if a sibling would be a benefit or a detriment to your existing child. Am I right in thinking you don’t have children yet? If so, then I think I’d just wait and see. There are pros and cons to any family size.

I was pretty sure I was one and done when going through IVF, going through pregnancy cemented the decision and once my daughter was born I knew it was right for us to be a family of three. My DH is very much on the same page. We’ve had some hard times, my previously rock solid marriage has become a bit rockier since having a child (nothing major but it’s hard when we both work full time and are always tired and sick due to little one bringing things back from nursery) and I think having the time to work on that is really important, another child would potentially make the cracks too deep. I think personally that having two parents who are in a harmonious relationship is more beneficial than a sibling.

Similarly now my DD is a little older (18 months) I’m now getting time to myself outwith work, housework and caring duties. DH is a very hands on dad but I still carry much more of the mental load, and having that space and time to myself in the evenings is really needed for my mental health, I would probably lose that if I had a second child. Having a parent who isn’t burnt out and where possible has decent mental health I personally feel is more valuable than a sibling.

Financially, with one child we haven’t taken the hit as we both work full time compressed hours and have a day with her, I’ve also been able to get a promotion at work straight after maternity leave and keep up my career which is really important to me, and I don’t know how I’d sustain that if I had another child, it has been tricky with one due to the aforementioned nursery illnesses.

My DD probably won’t have cousins, but we’ll give her as much social contact as possible. She has loads of second cousins who we’ll see occasionally, and my two closest friends had babies around the same time as she was born so we’ll hopefully meet up with them often and they’ll be unrelated “cousins”. She also gets regular social contact with kids her age two days a week at nursery, and when she’s older I’m going to work hard to facilitate play dates and make our home one that she’s welcome to bring friends to.

I agree. I'm an only child of an only child and I never felt that I missed out on anything. I don't recall a time when I ever wished I had a sibling, not even when I had to deal with my elderly (divorced) parents. Not all siblings get along, my best friend has barely spoken to his brother in over 20 years.

I'm an only and have an only. I never felt lonely as a child nor as an adult.

Not much of a family either. I have one cousin who lives an hour away from me but we haven't seen in 13 years.

We hadn't set out to have an only and were happy to go with the flow. Having one however, we realised how stretched we would be with a second and how 'neglected' existing DC would be so decided not to have any more. I'm not saying parents with more than one child neglect their children, just that our particular circumstances would dictate this.

He's a good un, thank you

Of course, it's not. You will always get kids wanting what they dont have. Some kids with siblings dont like or get on with their siblings and some without want one.

And an only doesnt live a sheltered life in what i have seen (or how we raise our ony DS), that is more of a parenting trait rather than due to the number of children you have.

Our DS has lots of friends, we have an open house to any of his friends he wants around, and he is only 5 but rarely asks for his friends around, maybe every few weeks.

My cousin was an only and loved it and as you know firsthand, despite what people say, it definitely doesn't guarantee a support or companion as alot of siblings are not close, moved away, fell out or NC, and it definately doesnt give them someone to help cope once you are gone, lots happens in life so this doesnt always happen and you have built your own support network outside your imidiate family (own partner, family and friends).

Just do what is best for you and your family now, if you dont want another one or feel you will be able to provide better emotionally and financially with one child, do that. If you feel you will always regret it, try for another, but dont but pressure on eldest if they dont get on.

My dad was an only child and always wanted a sibling. Myself and my sibling have, for the past few years been helping my mum to care for him as he has a degenerative disease plus dementia. It's absolutely soul destroying, exhausting, and can destroy your mental health at times. In our age group we're not the only ones-both still work and have our own kids. I've told mine to put me into care-I'd never want to ruin their lives in this way going forward.

I agree with this OP - I have no siblings and one much older cousin whom I last saw in around 2012. I feel envious of people with siblings and similar-aged cousins and I think it’s beneficial for kids to grow up with the rough and tumble mentioned by a PP. Sorry. I really don’t mean to offend you

The thing about this though is that you're seeing sibling life through rose tinted glasses. I've got two young adult daughters. They have so little in common and such disregard for each other that there's awkward silences when they're in the same room! I'm hugely envious when I see Facebook posts of 'happy birthday to my sister and best friend, love you blah blah' and think how can I have failed so badly in creating a family. But the reality is I'm not alone, it's really common for siblings to not get on. At any meal out etc when they were younger they'd have had a way better experience bringing a friend. I think life as an only is potentially lovely.

A big part of why i had 2nd dd was so dd1 wasnt alone when her father and I are gone. However, theres never a guarantee theyll get alonh, you just have to fascilitate that as best you can.

It's not a simple yes or no obviously. No one can predict how any siblings will get on in childhood or adulthood.

Part of me thinks it shouldn't matter as long as there is effort to cultivate friendships outside the family but then so many of us seem to really struggle with this.

Loads of people who have maybe moved around can't find people they connect with and then if they do odds are they'll get discarded if their friend starts a family. Too many people can't see beyond their little nuclear family.

I think it's a risk factor for loneliness but not an inevitability if that makes sense.

I always find this a weird reason to have a second child.

I can see that as children it gives a companion, but as adults there are so many closer people to me than my brother, who lives 200 miles away and we get on fine when we meet, but life gets in the way and it's just not that important a relationship to me any more compared to my friends, etc. I've got a group of female friends I've known since I was 7 years old, and they mean much more to me tbh.

I've got one child and the idea of it being "selfish" or "not selfish" just didn't enter into that decision. I see several of my DS school friends with older siblings being bullied by them, or being annoyed by their younger sisters.

It's their ability to make friends and socialise that is paramount for me - really important to attend baby groups and give them time at nursery from a young age.

I'm an only with no extended family (literally just mum,dad died when I was 15) I've never felt lonely (I'm late 40s now)

Choose a second child because you want one. Not for your first child

The only good reason to have a child is because you truly want them, in their own right. A human being is not a ‘gift’ to give another child.

Me too, it's so weird. I don't even think past about 7 they're likely to want to play together especially olif they're opposite sex (which most people also wish for!). Being close with a sibling as an adult is quite rare. It's all just weird hang ups people seem to have of what is ideal if they were genuinely honest with themselves

We have an only and our siblings either don't have children or we do not have a relationship with so no cousins available.

I don't think it matters on our situation. Cousins I used to see and play with now I'm not in contact with due to distance and us all having our own life's.

What we do prioritise though is activities for our DD to socialise and she has formed real solid friendships that we nurture as much as we can.

I think as long as you are aware of the pitfalls of an only child and work to improve them and nurture other relationships then it is fine. Our DD doesn't complain about lack of siblings

We're in a similar situation, purely because we are geographically distant from the rest of our families.

We do live in a unusually close-knit community which seems to help. All DS's school friends live within 5 mins of our house. We know all our neighbours. People come together a lot and support each other. I think that helps with a sense of belonging and connection.

Not selfish at all. We have an only child, not through choice, we tried for a second but it just didn't happen (but we chose not to go down alternative routes, IVF, etc, so it was partially our choice!). We have absolutely no "useful" family, and are very low contact with siblings. When he was born, 2 of his grandparents who very elderly/ill so weren't really part of his life. His remaining grandmother spent DS's first years looking after her husband through protracted illnesses, so wasn't around much either. So, ultimately it's been me, OH and DS as a "family threesome" for virtually his entire childhood.

We made up for that as much as we could, by arranging play dates, taking him to clubs/sports etc to be around lots of other children, etc, being there for him ourselves, etc. He's turned out not as outgoing and social as his peers, still very quiet and perhaps a bit introverted, not helped by his first year at Uni being in lockdown, so he didn't meet people through the usual clubs/societies, parties, etc., nor even lectures (there were none!), but he's now in his 3rd year, living with 5 genuine Uni friends, so he's finally getting the "social" experience, and starts a good graduate program job in Summer with a big employer, so hopefully that will also bring him out of his shell even more. But by being an "only one", he's had so much more support/guidance from us, which probably helped him do better at school etc as we didn't have to spread ourselves around more than one and could help with homework, help broaden his interests/hobbies, etc.

Yes, he's virtually no family, and both me and OH have life limiting illnesses so we're not going to be around for long either, but, we've done all we can to cover for the lack of close family. You have to deal with the cards you're played. But close families aren't always all they're cracked up to be, both OH and myself had siblings but are now very low contact, as we're very different people to our brothers/sisters and have nothing in common, and didn't really live eachothers lives even as children, we'd do our own things with our own friends.!

No, it is not selfish.

There is no guarantee that a sibling would get on with your existing child, would help when you are old, or wouldn't be a source of pain, worry or frustration for your child themselves.

It could well be wonderful for your child but it is a flip of the coin and you always run the risk that you could be adding to your child's burden!

I, and several people I know, have had their lives ravaged by a sibling in one way or another. Yes, I also have friends with wonderful relationships with their siblings (and I am jealous!) but my situation is that I am part of the sandwich generation AND have to look after a sibling and deal with the drama they bring every day aswell. I would have had a more supportive upbringing and more parental support in adulthood had my sibling not basically not exhausted every single family member.

An extreme case maybe, but having an only child is fine, and both having siblings and not having them carry their own potential risks - just try and make sure you make sure you make provision for your old age if you can.

A big part of why i had 2nd dd was so dd1 wasnt alone when her father and I are gone

This is a good reason imo. My parents died when I was fairly young. Thank god I have my sister. It means my DC have an aunt, uncle and cousins. I'd be very lonely if I didn't have a sister.

Really, if you have an only DC, your future grandchildren will have no aunts, uncles or cousins on that side.

I know a lot of people are very sensitive around this issue, but I really think if you can give your DC a sibling, it's preferential.

the reality is I'm not alone, it's really common for siblings to not get on

I don’t think it is ‘really common’, maybe on Mn. I only know of a couple of sibling relationships where they truly despise each other and don’t speak. The rest vary from being extremely close to just chatting at family events, but they don’t hate each other - maybe just don’t have a lot in common or very busy lives. Even those siblings would still be there in times of great need.

Equally the resources and money saved for your only could get frittered away - they might waltz out of uni debt free but only end up in a low paid job (increasingly likely these days). Or their house deposit might end up being split in half if they get divorced, or gambled away. Who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️

We have one child, who is grown up now. I asked her about her lack of close relatives, siblings etc recently. She said she did at one point want to have some/see more family, but actually that didn't last long and she was happy without.

I had two brothers to whom I was very close, neither had children. I have umpteen cousins with whom I spent vast amounts of my childhood but barely see any more. They're scattered around the world. I keep in touch with some and every few years there's a kind of family reunion, which we go to. I love, dd likes my generation but is too different from most of her generation.

I worry that once we're dead, she'll be alone, but I'm also fairly confident that there are specific cousins who will keep an eye on her. She's unlikely to need it though. She's very independent and more than capable of sorting her life out - largely due, I think to her growing up without sibling or relatives around.

IMO this apparent wish for siblings has more to do with a romanticised view of what having siblings is said to be like based on a societal expectation.

How many times do people ask a child “would you like a brother or sister?” Even in passing, the idea is planted in their head. If you didn’t put the idea in children’s heads that being an only child was somehow wrong nobody would ever think twice about wishing for these mythical siblings.

And most siblings don’t have close relationships, playing together as children doesn’t mean growing up with a special bond. Most siblings move away from each other, and while they may not hate each other most siblings have an acquaintanceship at best, the only reason why they even have that is because of expectation, because they’re siblings.

As for siblings being there for each other when the parents die, that’s all very well, but what if one of the siblings has SN which means they can’t be, should the parent keep having children until they end up with two who might be in a position to be there when the parents die?

Or what if one of the siblings dies before the parents? There are two people in my family alone who have lost a sibling meaning that they’ll be caring for parents alone.

OP nobody else’s opinion matters, because it is just that. Opinion.

Personally I think having three children is selfish because the middle one is generally left out, and I know several people who hated being a middle child, just as there will be people here who say they hated being an only child.

Nobody is right here, because everyone’s experience is diffferent. So you have to do what you feel is best not what a load of strangers on the internet tell you you should be doing based on what they think.