Autistic women assemble!

[Nepmarthiturn]

...only if and when you're not feeling antisocial and want the entire world to +%$¥ off, or course. 😉😆

A few of us were talking on another thread and thought it would be nice to have a support/ chat thread on here to share interests/ challenges/ parenting issues or whatever we feel like. A little community of autistic women on here that we can dip in and out of but will be supportive and friendly and people who actually get it.

Might also be a nice counterbalance to all of the horrific posts about autism that we find here so regularly!!

P.S. Have deliberately posted this in chat rather than in the ND Mumsnetters topic because it will hopefully reach more people who would like to join in. I didn't even realise that section existed for a long time and often miss threads there as they don't show in active and expect I'm not alone in that. However, in posting this here, we will be relying on the people with obnoxious and ignorant views about autism who so regularly post on Mumsnet, to demonstrate to us their allegedly superior empathy (ha!) and please just leave this thread alone: it's not for you. Many thanks!!

That also sounds lovely. Glad to hear so many people have nice plans.

I gave my children their Easter eggs from me this morning (they'll get more from family on Sunday) and they have now, predictably, gone rather berserk. 🫣

Hi all, it's taken me a couple of days to pluck up the courage to post here. My daughter is awaiting an assessment for autism and learning all about that has made me (and DH) realise that I very likely am too, and feel like I've just started to get to know myself in my mid 30s! It is so lovely to read posts that resonate so much. Hope it's ok to join.

I will lurk quietly in the corner for the most part if that's OK, as I'm incapable of writing posts that aren't essays long to make sure I don't miss anyone out, and overthinking every word I type, before finally deleting the whole thing and giving up! (It's taken every ounce of willpower not to give up on this post)

It's taken every ounce of willpower not to give up on this post
Well done!

@Nepmarthiturn I'm back from the holiday and just catching up on the thread and just wanted to say please do whatever you need to ignore the other thread.

What you've started here has been so life affirming, I feel like I've been given a bit of permission to accept things about myself that I've trampled on because no one I know IRL does this or feels that. Needing a patch of silent solitude for example to balance out busy times, managing my misophonia so I don't offend or get angry at people when they eat (so awkward!), my comforting obsessions that aren't always age appropriate (currently anime 😍).

I have nowhere I can be myself like this so a massive THANKYOU and let's protect this group.

No beaches on our holiday by the way and yes 'holiday' isn't quite the right word when children are around but we did have a lovely time. 😊

Does anyone else with autism feel really ugly and literally hate who they see in the mirror ? I cry everytime I see a photo of myself. Witchy long nose, thin lips, fat cheeks, look quite manly. (Even been told this once). How do you overcome it?
Also do you feel you doubt yourself when it comes to problems in your relationships with people? Sometimes I think that I read things wrong because of autism and it messes with my head. I'm not diagnosed yet but pretty sure I do have it.

Does anyone else with autism feel really ugly and literally hate who they see in the mirror ? I cry every time I see a photo of myself.
Yes, but I also take into account people's reactions to me. I can't be so bad as I think or I wouldn't get the reactions I do.

Also do you feel you doubt yourself when it comes to problems in your relationships with people?
No. I'm blessed with the conviction that they are wrong, not me. And to be fair, if I'm going to maintain my 'boundaries', that's how it's got to be.

Off topic slightly but have did any women on this thread have hyperemesis in their pregnancies? I had it through all of mine (two to term and one that ended at 12. Any smell that was even slightly unpleasant had me retching. Coughing and sneezing had me retching. Tap water became completely abhorrent and tea was like warm slurry.

Both times it went pretty much immediately after the birth but I have noticed that my gag reflex is much more sensitive still, nearly five years after my last pregnancy. And I still can't stand certain things I couldn't stand while I was pregnant, like the cat's litter box and tap water.

Glad you decided to join @Cathster 😊

Glad you had a nice holiday @jellybean007! And that the thread has helped you. It's helping me a lot too to be able to share things.

@Anxious001 I used to hate how I looked when I was younger but I think that was mainly projection about me having no self-esteem in general. These days I don't really think about it too much either way. But yes absolutely on the self-doubt. I don't know how much of that is the autism though and how much is because of trauma. Hard to untangle.

@capecheckmaskcheck I've always had a ridiculously sensitive sense of smell. Comes in handy for cooking and I like to collect perfumes. Absolutely awful though with any bad smells... so has been a challenge with caring for children! Lots of holding my breath. Even emptying a dustbin can make me throw up. That was definitely all heightened during pregnancy, it was unbearable. Had to take the anti-sickness meds which helped a bit, but still, uuuugh!

I've had such a busy day, totally non-stop trying to sort out house and get ready for our trip. Kids still awake atm. 😩 Totally exhausted!

I have nowhere I can be myself like this so a massive THANKYOU and let's protect this group.

And @jellybean007 yes!! We must. I'm so pleased that so many of us seem to feel this way. 💛

I am only getting through today by being buried in my repetitive craft interest all day.

More and more I am finding people intolerable, and eye contact invasive. I feel by breathing go odd and my chest tighten when I force myself to look in someone’s eyes. It is so invasive, urgh.

Also I have been wondering whether anyone who has masked for as long as they remember, has just stopped masking?

Very delayed reply from me, sorry! I don’t have e-consult. I eventually managed to change GP (long story, but old GP kept automatically booking me in monthly to check my weight loss and I obediently kept going so we got into this weird routine. After about half a year of this, and not enough weight loss to the extent she started suggesting diet pills, I cancelled an appointment due to ‘not feeling well’ 😳, was a bit of a lie, and never went back). So I’m waiting til I have something concrete and physical to see the new GP with first so I can see what she’s like first.

I have been trying to catch up with this thread. I love all the photos. I also love the sea OP and have so many beach and sea photos. I’m very lucky in that I live a 20 minute bike ride from the sea and my FIL has a little summerhouse near the sea only a few hours drive away (that we have free access to).

Easter has been ok here. DH has been visiting his dad and comes back tomorrow. The teens and I are pretty big introverts so we’ve all just been happily getting on with our own things in the house and in our own individual routines.

Sorry to hear that, I hope doing your craft is helping you.

I’m mid-40s and although I haven’t completely stopped masking, I’m accepting who I am a bit more and trying to put in some boundaries wrt to things that go way beyond my comfort zone. I know what you mean about the eyes. There’s too much concentrated information looking directly into a pair of eyes. I often look at the space between people’s eyes instead. Although thinking about it, I have no idea if it’s obvious I’m doing this, because no one has ever said anything to me.

@Afonavon so good you have your craft, I hope it's helping. I do the same with reading.

I've spent so much of my life masking and am trying to take it off now. Until I was in my 30s (50s now) I thought the mask was me, I had this idea that I only really existed as an interaction with someone else and when I was on my own I had so little idea about who I was that I didn't even exist. I can't quite articulate it sorry.

Now I am trying to figure out who I am and what I like and doing more of it. I'm worried though that actually who I am might not be palatable to other people, but masking is so exhausting it has to reduce. I'm not sure I'll ever just stop masking It's still a very useful skill though I think, definitely helps me at work but now I allow myself time to recover on my own being me after long periods with other people.

Omg

I had this idea that I only really existed as an interaction with someone else and when I was on my own I had so little idea about who I was that I didn't even exist. I can't quite articulate it sorry.

I used to say I only existed reflected through other people.

I didn't know it was a thing

Yes, the only existing as a reflection, I've never been able to find words for the feeling but absolutely feel that. I have spent my life performing roles, trying to be what other people wanted me to be. Friend, pupil, daughter, employee, wife, mother. Trying to live up to what people want from me.

I've only in recent years begun to have any sense of "self". I thought that was crushed out of me by an awful childhood but maybe it's party the autism too?

The masking thing really confuses me because I am painfully aware that I'm doing it but because I've soent decades doing it, it is so ingrained that it's really hard to know what is left when the mask is taken off. Or to know how to stop: it's exhausting to do but I also don't know how not to anymore. That probably doesn't make much sense.

A few more brave spring flowers appearing here finally!

I think all of that feeling invisible is why reading Sartre as a teenager resonated with me so much. The abandonment etc but then taking from that the need to create a meaning for your own life, for yourself. Still a work in progress though!

@EdwinsActsOfKindness what beautiful photos. It looks so peaceful. How lovely to be so close to the sea and the summerhouse too.

I know what you all mean about feeling like a reflection. I was a 'good' child an obedient wife to abusive exh and , of course, i am a mum too. It was actually when I stopped drinking a few years ago that that I felt more like me , my actual personality is now on show. And yes , I am 'quirky' and different and do struggle in social situations without alcohol to cover me. But I feel much more comfortable in expressing myself as I age and stay sober.

@FriendsDrinkBook that's amazing, and so inspiring to hear. Well done for managing that and wonderful it's had such a positive effect for you in terms of sense of self as well as health. Really inspiring. I do rely on alcohol to cope with social situations. 😔 I find it so hard to do "chat" without it. Although I have found the ADHD medication has had an unexpected but welcome (to me, other people may disagree! 🤭🤣) side effect of making me care far less what other people think and being far more blunt with exerting boundaries etc. So that's some progress I guess.

Chat is so hard isn't it? I'm either thinking they're bored and can't wait to extricate myself , or I stay longer and then obsess later that I annoyed to them. I used to hide in an empty classroom with a laptop for cover in my previous job as working out what to do was exhausting.

I am so fed up of always, always, always saying the wrong thing.
Whether it's in conversation or written, I say something which seems to upset everyone.
I can't bear it.
I also can't bear my extreme reactions to it. I feel very, very distressed and my mood plummets.
I wish I wasn't like this.

It's absolutely awful! I find it so hard to follow conversations, trying to process what people are saying and then think what to say in response. It is like a performance but with no lines you can learn beforehand, ad lib! Even with extended family I find it overwhelming after a while, my brain really needs a period of peace to reset. Not sure why people hate silence so much and treat it as something that must be eliminated just for the sake of it!

Work events where you're expected to "network" and strike up random conversations are the absolute worst. Fortunately not had to do that in years now, and will resist any attempt to make me do it again.

I find it so strange that even people who know each other well don't seem feel comfortable to just "be" in each other's company, all time must be filled with talk talk talk even when it isn't really about anything in particular. In the right mood (and when I can get a babysitter!) I love to meet and talk to close friends for dinner, who I feel comfortable with, but it's doable because I know it has a time limit, and I can have peace afterwards when I come home.

Since my divorce - although lone parenting is obviously demanding and means very little downtime during the daytimes with work/ kids - I have realised how much I love being the only adult jn the house and having peaceful evenings once the children go to bed.

Yes! I find myself making a joke out of things just to detract attention from the awkwardness but that's not always appropriate. 🫣

It's so much worse when it's a situation of "forced socialisation" where it's expected for you to talk to people you know just ti satusfy social convention, even when you both know neither of you particularly wants to, you have nothing in common, but have to invent pointless noise just to fill the space. Whhhhy? Why can't people just agree to smile politely to acknowledge each other and then leave each other alone unless there is something of substance that requires communicating?

I also think it cheapens words and language to be employing them as a filler of space in this way. Inane, endless blah blah blah. People asking "polite" questions about you or whatever, when you and they know they are not interested and will instantly delete this information when the ordeal is over. And then you must think up your own inane questions and not with interest while they respond. Like some kind of strange ritual or animal behaviour that we all know is pointless. Why can't everyone just agree that it's no longer required, and that actually such unnecessary intrusions are in fact rude? 🤣

Hi. I haven't posted in Nd mumsnetters for yonks. I was really happy when they added it then promptly forgot all about it. 🤦