Autistic women assemble!

[Nepmarthiturn]

...only if and when you're not feeling antisocial and want the entire world to +%$¥ off, or course. 😉😆

A few of us were talking on another thread and thought it would be nice to have a support/ chat thread on here to share interests/ challenges/ parenting issues or whatever we feel like. A little community of autistic women on here that we can dip in and out of but will be supportive and friendly and people who actually get it.

Might also be a nice counterbalance to all of the horrific posts about autism that we find here so regularly!!

P.S. Have deliberately posted this in chat rather than in the ND Mumsnetters topic because it will hopefully reach more people who would like to join in. I didn't even realise that section existed for a long time and often miss threads there as they don't show in active and expect I'm not alone in that. However, in posting this here, we will be relying on the people with obnoxious and ignorant views about autism who so regularly post on Mumsnet, to demonstrate to us their allegedly superior empathy (ha!) and please just leave this thread alone: it's not for you. Many thanks!!

🤣

Bliss while it lasts! 😊

@camelCase that is absolutely horrific. Bloody hell. It takes a lot to shock me now but that is just off the charts. Your poor DD, the damage that must have done to her confidence. Just appalling. 😡😡😡 So glad you managed to get it fixed for her but wtf, that doesn't make it ok. Did they apologise?!

And yes, totally agree about the false economy of all of this. Even if they do not care at all about the trauma and distress they are causing, that often leads to lifelong mental health problems and the far higher risk of suicide, even if they don't care about equality, even if they don't care about basic decency or discrimination, the cost of all of this is far, far more than just putting the support in place. They draw the battles out for so long that often by the time it's in place the damage is done.

That's why I was determined to get my children diagnosed in early childhood when their autism became obvious to me but even then, because I've made sure there's support in place so they aren't having a catastrophic mental health breakdown, they then deny there is an issue. They actually want children to suffer catastrophic mental health damage to "provide evidence" there is a problem. As though the diagnosis stating their needs isn't enough. An expert says: "they need X or is will be a disaster" and schools say "oooh, fun, let's test that out and see what happens if they don't get it! Then we can make some notes." As though they are some science experiment. When we all know what will happen already, per the diagnosis reports. I think you have to be a special kind of evil to be doing that to children. And then theyend up paying multiple times more because of the damage. I have questioned our Council on the wisdom of such behaviour - even if they do not care at all about the damage it does - because by refusing social services or school support they will only escalate the costs to themselves. Their answer: tumbleweed.

Just like the NHS really. Don't do preventative care, wait for a crisis, diagnose and treat things too late = worse health outcomes at a higher financial cost.

Same with our infrastructure in the UK, same with the pensions time bomb, everything. Not only callous people in charge but completely economically illiterate also, sadly.

It's so difficult to know what the right answer is and whatever you do, you suffer for it. Our society needs to change SO much.

@Nepmarthiturn I know some do, our GP is ok with shared care, been through this with DD17. Still shouldn't have to do it this way though.

Oh that's something at least @AuDHD4Me .

But no, you absolutely shouldn't have to. 😔🤬

So, I went out tonight to look even less like an autistic.There was even music.i love live music but can't cope with certain pitches. My Loops are a godsend because they filter it for me. Was a lovely night and we managed to get a corner table out of the way! Result!

@Nepmarthiturn I have the feeling we could have a superb zoom rant together a long with anyone else who wanted to join - anyone up for this? Camera optional

I’m too scared to let professionals know about my diagnosis in meetings about my dc. I often felt really patronised by our years younger family therapist treating my daughter at times. It has really put me off telling anybody else.

As an aside does anybody have any tips re handling anxiety when you’re autistic. I’m really struggling and just don’t know how to get to grips with it. Can’t work out if it’s autism, adhd, trauma, the menopause or all the above. I think getting to grips with anxiety when you have autism is so much harder.

Also does anybody else feel they don’t fit in anywhere. I’m very much autistic, have a degree, travelled, have kids but it has massively impacted and limited my life. Currently doing a minimum wage job in my sector. I don’t feel I fit in anywhere and in my support group I often feel so separate as everybody else seems to have higher visible needs( that said some like me may have the camera and mic switched off like I do).😬

It was really horrific at the time but looking back now it's just how that school is and really LA's need to have a list of schools that are just not suitable for kids with additional needs. The charity I work with I hear the same story over and over again about that school, kids being treated exactly the same as DD was, with hindsight, I should have taken her out long before year 11. The specialist school she went to worked absolute miracles with her and she's in a much better place mentally but she will never cope with being in any situation that resembles a classroom, which has made finding appropriate education tricky. Luckily I'm very good at finding things and she has her place with the online college to do a level 3 diploma and I've found somewhere that offers a degree in illustration online if she wants to do it.

@AuDHD4Me
I've looked at loops a few times but wasn't sure if they would be any good, can I ask which ones you have? experience or engage?

@RhubarbandG1ng3r
Is there something specific that's causing you anxiety? The thing that causes me the most anxiety is parking so I've found ways to cope with it - park out of the way so nobody tends to park next to me, scope out the parking a few days beforehand if I'm parking there for like an event, worst case scenario get DH to park(as I rarely venture out without him). I also push myself in a controlled way sometimes. So for example a few weeks ago DH was planning on nipping to Tesco's for a few bits before he had to go out for the day. As I'm always up super early I decided to go for him, it was 7.30am so it was empty but I parked next to someone, knowing that it was unlikely someone would park next to me and if they did I would just wait for them to move.

Also, yes I never feel like I fit in anywhere, I always have this feeling like people really don't like me and I'm annoying them. Really feeling it at the moment with this team I'm in as they barely say anything on the group chat and I'm just posting updates with no response. I even went to the trouble of making a step-by-step tutorial explaining how to use a bit of software as the others are not familiar with it...silence. Our deadline is Wednesday and no matter how much I prod they just don't respond. I've done 90% of the work (and done so much extra stuff as well which will make our project look great) and I can't finish off the presentation slides until they've finished and given me their parts, I hate working in a team 😩

That's a great idea!

I really do feel that as I've got older and left school, that I may be autistic.
In school I always had friends, was quiet but don't remember struggling. Since school though, I feel like I am so different to everyone else. In college I struggled as a large part of my course was placements and I was just known as being the painfully shy one. Then onto uni but it was easy to get in back then (Early noughties). I passed but no idea how as I never contributed to seminars and could barely get through a presentation. So I feel like a fake in that respect. All my jobs since have been minimum wage with not many hours. So I feel like a disappointment really. I don't know with me if it is just shyness or anxiety or if it is something more. I'm starting to get paranoid that other people know. Not that there's anything wrong with it of course but I am struggling to accept it myself so it's tough.
Even now at nearly 40, I struggle with making small talk. I hate speaking to management, go blank and don't know what to say to people. Blush easily, am known as being very quiet and people make jokes like 'Imagine Anxious001 going on a rave or yelling at someone. I just can't imagine that.' I get extremely anxious about work, have an unusual sounding voice, look years younger than my age and told I come across as really young despite acting in a mature and appropriate way. Single, no friends left anymore. But then other things don't fit. I like a change in my routine for example and don't struggle to see things from another view or struggle to understand facial expressions etc.
Most of my family have very similar personality traits to me so don't know if we are just the shyest, most introverted family in the UK or if we are all autistic.

Hello All, it’s been ages since I’ve posted and I think the threads been quiet. I was pleased to see it up and running again and that chat here is heartwarmingly support and struggles familiar.

Lots here to read and comment on here since I was here in june but just picking up on a couple of the points...

I am so sorry to read of the dreadful issues with education and CAMHS @AuDHD4Me

I get they are swamped but they need processes to work out who are taking the mick vs real cases. The whole system needs overhaul. (love your username btw!)

@TheShellBeach
catching up from last week, reading your anxiety about doing the 100 mile drive and worrying about their being time for making dinner etc when back- I TOTALLY relate to this kind of thing. I have to work backwards from things… Then plan to within an inch of my life to ensure it goes smoothly.. partly due to managing my own anxiety but a lot of that is managing how things are for my ND kids too… they’d need dinner at the right time and wouldn’t cope with getting back late and a quick unplanned beans on toast! - anyway sorry- point is I get this!

Update on my side

Im now a fully paid up member of the ND club… I have my official diagnosis of Autism and ADHD- so I guess Im an AuDHD-er now. I am 46 so late diagnosis like many after lots of years of emotional and MH struggles

I have two kids, on teenager Dx with ASD and another preteen who is most likely AuDHD like me but i know wouldn’t get through screenings atm as she masks so many thing well..

We go away on holiday this week and it's going to be like really difficult for older child due to her fears and dislike of new places/ change etc. but we've got to try. I am in super overplan mode to try and anticipate the biggest hurdles that might arise. Will be exhausted before we go!

OMG that reminds me of our last holiday.
Morrisons failed to deliver our shopping on the first day of our holiday, and it happened to be on the day of the Queen's funeral, so no shops were open, either.
It was lucky that I'd thrown in a tin of beans at the last minute, almost as an afterthought.

If I hadn't, we'd just have had toast. At least we had the beans to go with it.

It was NOT what I'd planned for the first night in our expensive holiday cottage.

And then the shopping arrived the next day, and my meal plan was out by a day for the rest of the week.

I actually wanted to go home. I was so angry and upset.

I still look back on that holiday with distress.

What a nightmare. I'd imagine you had other things in that shop that you needed beyond the dinner.

Glad it arrived eventually though

I still look back on that holiday with distress. I had a frantic meltdown on the second day because of the shopping.

NT people do not understand this kind of thing, do they?

Going back to the test drive itself: I was so glad that DH understood about the numbers on the volume dial. I was overjoyed, and said, "Please let's get this car because I can see whether the number is even or not" - and he knew how important it was to me.

Going back to the test drive itself: I was so glad that DH understood about the numbers on the volume dial. I was overjoyed, and said, "Please let's get this car because I can see whether the number is even or not" - and he knew how important it was to me.

I don't know why that posted twice.

I don't think they do... they appear laid back and go-with the flow.. though i spot those who are faking that laidbackness sometimes... :)

Oddly enough the food shopping is something that has caused me angst. I want to order a shop but then I know kids won't like my choices (they aren't here right now to choose) but I also know going to supermarket after a long drive and expecting them to make meal choices will be a disaster for the kids. They have opted for the supermarket trip... This will be to not our usual shop either so won't be familiar...😱

Letting them chose meals so they know what to expect vs my sanity .... hmmmmm

Golly, you're brave.

It's so great when people get you and don't question it.
Even numbers are good :)

Our horrible bunch of anti-social people seems to have almost filled our thread. 😁 And I'll be tied up with small one's birthday party shortly so I've set up a new one ready for us to move over to:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

Happy birthday to your small one - hope the day goes well. And thank you for starting the new thread.