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Autistic women assemble!

978 replies

Nepmarthiturn · 04/04/2023 10:36

...only if and when you're not feeling antisocial and want the entire world to +%$¥ off, or course. 😉😆

A few of us were talking on another thread and thought it would be nice to have a support/ chat thread on here to share interests/ challenges/ parenting issues or whatever we feel like. A little community of autistic women on here that we can dip in and out of but will be supportive and friendly and people who actually get it.

Might also be a nice counterbalance to all of the horrific posts about autism that we find here so regularly!!

P.S. Have deliberately posted this in chat rather than in the ND Mumsnetters topic because it will hopefully reach more people who would like to join in. I didn't even realise that section existed for a long time and often miss threads there as they don't show in active and expect I'm not alone in that. However, in posting this here, we will be relying on the people with obnoxious and ignorant views about autism who so regularly post on Mumsnet, to demonstrate to us their allegedly superior empathy (ha!) and please just leave this thread alone: it's not for you. Many thanks!!

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capecheckmaskcheck · 06/04/2023 13:05

Can I just share my triumph for a sec? DS 8 had specialist dentist today and he not only agreed to sit in the chair, he let them put the light on and count his teeth! I feel like I've won the lottery. I keep kissing him and telling him how amazing he is, he can't see what the big deal is.

Ok he went in shoeless, and lay on the floor in the waiting room, but when it mattered he was AWESOME.

Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 13:22

capecheckmaskcheck · 06/04/2023 13:05

Can I just share my triumph for a sec? DS 8 had specialist dentist today and he not only agreed to sit in the chair, he let them put the light on and count his teeth! I feel like I've won the lottery. I keep kissing him and telling him how amazing he is, he can't see what the big deal is.

Ok he went in shoeless, and lay on the floor in the waiting room, but when it mattered he was AWESOME.

That is fantastic! Well done brave boy! 👏👏👏

Will you do something together to celebrate? 🎉

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StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople · 06/04/2023 16:17

@Nepmarthiturn

Just a heads up - this thread is being discussed on the “support” threads in relationships.

I do find it funny that they have quoted your OP and its reference to your request that people with “obnoxious and ignorant views” don’t post and they have immediately assumed you are referring to them!

given the daily ignorance displayed by many posters in many threads I’m sure your comment was general and not specific to one particular person, group or thread?

but you’re being called hypocritical so I thought you’d want to know.

Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 16:24

The threads where they make disgusting comments about people with ASD (who usually they have diagnosed themselves) and attribute their partners' appalling behaviour to neurodiversity?

How hilarious, for them to be furious that autistic people might want a space to talk free of suck bigoted, ignorant attacks.

In terms of them thinking the comments in the OP referred to them, all I can say is that it has clearly struck a chord sufficiently that us simply being asked to be left alone is personally offensive to them, then perhaps "the cap fits". 🤣🤣

I shall have a look later if I need a laugh.

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Afonavon · 06/04/2023 17:23

I can’t cope. And I don’t know if it is my ASD or normal to feel like this.

I feel so overwhelmed and want to run away, I feel sick with worry all the time and just want to hide somewhere small and dark, rock and wail.

DS (adult) has ongoing MH battles, which causes me to have an underlying constant feeling of dread. My Dad has just shared some very scary health results with me.

i just cant cope

JarByTheDoor · 06/04/2023 17:33

Hmm. While I'm aware that posting messages on a public forum means they can be read by anyone and used for their own purposes, and I post anonymously with that in mind, I'm still a little discomfited by the poster actively recommending others there read this thread, directing them towards it as a useful resource.

I'm sure that she means that she's reading in a good-faith attempt to understand her husband, and thinks it may be similarly useful for others.

But the varying tone and timbre of those threads when I've come across them before makes me feel that, even though I believe that's what she intended, it's entirely possible that her post will actively direct others to this thread who may see, for example, my posts about how much I struggle with simple aspects of adult life, and use them as a kind of mental ammunition against autistic people in general and their partners in particular. Or that posts like mine, when read from the perspective of someone who feels their partner's [possible] ASD is the cause of major problems in their relationship, may be mentally gathered as evidence, bolstering negative opinions they already have on autistic people.

Such readers may not take into account the fact that on a thread like this, people tend to want to discuss how things get at their worst, rather than how things generally are (people rarely feel the need to post about how everything's fine and they're coping well).

Or that on an anonymous forum, people are likely to want to grasp the opportunity to talk about their hidden feelings and struggles, the ones that they put a lot of effort into protecting others from IRL — many of us might appear a lot more dysfunctional from our descriptions of our internal state and how much work it takes to overcome the difficulties we have, compared with how others in our lives actually experience us.

Or that some of the most extreme accounts of difficulties may come from those who don't have partners or don't have children or don't work precisely because of those difficulties, so those accounts may not be that relevant for people trying to understand (mostly) men who largely do have partners and jobs and children.

Knowing that this thread has been recommended as a reading resource on a thread which attracts people with relationship difficulties who attribute those difficulties to autism in their partner, and some of whom seem far more likely than the average MN browser to take things from my posts that weren't part of my intent when posting, makes me feel more reluctant to post openly and freely on what was supposed to be a support thread.

Assuming that she didn't intend to make anyone feel inhibited or uncomfortable about posting on a thread set up for people to support each other, for fear their posts will be misused, and given the likelihood that any post on that thread was going to be noticed by a poster on this one and mentioned here, and also given the possibility that posters on that thread might not be able to resist posting here, I think it was a little thoughtless of her to signpost this thread from that one.

TheShellBeach · 06/04/2023 17:37

Afonavon · 06/04/2023 17:23

I can’t cope. And I don’t know if it is my ASD or normal to feel like this.

I feel so overwhelmed and want to run away, I feel sick with worry all the time and just want to hide somewhere small and dark, rock and wail.

DS (adult) has ongoing MH battles, which causes me to have an underlying constant feeling of dread. My Dad has just shared some very scary health results with me.

i just cant cope

I'm so sorry. I sometimes feel like this. It's awful, isn't it.

Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 17:47

Afonavon · 06/04/2023 17:23

I can’t cope. And I don’t know if it is my ASD or normal to feel like this.

I feel so overwhelmed and want to run away, I feel sick with worry all the time and just want to hide somewhere small and dark, rock and wail.

DS (adult) has ongoing MH battles, which causes me to have an underlying constant feeling of dread. My Dad has just shared some very scary health results with me.

i just cant cope

I am so sorry to hear this, that sounds horrendous. Would it be possible to do just what you've said tonight: try to shut it all out and just take some time for yourself?

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Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 17:54

JarByTheDoor · 06/04/2023 17:33

Hmm. While I'm aware that posting messages on a public forum means they can be read by anyone and used for their own purposes, and I post anonymously with that in mind, I'm still a little discomfited by the poster actively recommending others there read this thread, directing them towards it as a useful resource.

I'm sure that she means that she's reading in a good-faith attempt to understand her husband, and thinks it may be similarly useful for others.

But the varying tone and timbre of those threads when I've come across them before makes me feel that, even though I believe that's what she intended, it's entirely possible that her post will actively direct others to this thread who may see, for example, my posts about how much I struggle with simple aspects of adult life, and use them as a kind of mental ammunition against autistic people in general and their partners in particular. Or that posts like mine, when read from the perspective of someone who feels their partner's [possible] ASD is the cause of major problems in their relationship, may be mentally gathered as evidence, bolstering negative opinions they already have on autistic people.

Such readers may not take into account the fact that on a thread like this, people tend to want to discuss how things get at their worst, rather than how things generally are (people rarely feel the need to post about how everything's fine and they're coping well).

Or that on an anonymous forum, people are likely to want to grasp the opportunity to talk about their hidden feelings and struggles, the ones that they put a lot of effort into protecting others from IRL — many of us might appear a lot more dysfunctional from our descriptions of our internal state and how much work it takes to overcome the difficulties we have, compared with how others in our lives actually experience us.

Or that some of the most extreme accounts of difficulties may come from those who don't have partners or don't have children or don't work precisely because of those difficulties, so those accounts may not be that relevant for people trying to understand (mostly) men who largely do have partners and jobs and children.

Knowing that this thread has been recommended as a reading resource on a thread which attracts people with relationship difficulties who attribute those difficulties to autism in their partner, and some of whom seem far more likely than the average MN browser to take things from my posts that weren't part of my intent when posting, makes me feel more reluctant to post openly and freely on what was supposed to be a support thread.

Assuming that she didn't intend to make anyone feel inhibited or uncomfortable about posting on a thread set up for people to support each other, for fear their posts will be misused, and given the likelihood that any post on that thread was going to be noticed by a poster on this one and mentioned here, and also given the possibility that posters on that thread might not be able to resist posting here, I think it was a little thoughtless of her to signpost this thread from that one.

I totally agree. I feel the same. Obviously we know this is a public thread, and the hope was that would help more autistic women to find it and be able to post here for support.

But the idea that people have read the OP, so it's clear that this thread is not for them because they are not autistic women, and then they still wouldn't have the decency to just do as asked and leave it alone, and instead decide to snoop, is disturbing.

I hadn't even thought about the other aspects of what you've said, that people like that could use things we post here when we're letting the mask down for once to extrapolate to other autistic people or as ammunition in the continued attacks on autistic people. 😔 Uuugh.

I don't understand why they can't just leave us alone to have one space here without it being invaded.

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BoardLikeAMirror · 06/04/2023 18:05

Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 17:54

I totally agree. I feel the same. Obviously we know this is a public thread, and the hope was that would help more autistic women to find it and be able to post here for support.

But the idea that people have read the OP, so it's clear that this thread is not for them because they are not autistic women, and then they still wouldn't have the decency to just do as asked and leave it alone, and instead decide to snoop, is disturbing.

I hadn't even thought about the other aspects of what you've said, that people like that could use things we post here when we're letting the mask down for once to extrapolate to other autistic people or as ammunition in the continued attacks on autistic people. 😔 Uuugh.

I don't understand why they can't just leave us alone to have one space here without it being invaded.

It's a no-win situation in a way. The ND board was hidden from Active to avoid this sort of problem, but the downside of that is a lack of visibility to genuine posters. There have been a couple of general chat threads on the ND board but no one has posted on them since November; most threads deal with specific questions.

Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 18:08

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople oh my God, one of them actually wrote that they think it is hypocritical me having put in the OP that autistic people want to talk here without abuse and please leave us alone, because she thinks this is equivalent to some posters having objected to them making discriminatory and vile ableist comments on their "support for having a shitty partner and want to blame it on autism" threads.

The mind boggles. That's some serious mental gymnastics!!!

I hope they will move back to their usual nastiness about their husbands and leave us in peace.

I'm really sorry if this has made people uncomfortable to post here openly. It's bad enough that there are so many awful, ableist posts about autism left to stand but to then have some of the worst culprits for that try to make us uncomfortable posting here as well or decide it's appropriate to try to mine it as a resource for more ammunition against their partners. I'm really upset. I was trying to create just one space for us here away from all of that. 😔

OP posts:
Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 18:09

It's a no-win situation in a way. The ND board was hidden from Active to avoid this sort of problem, but the downside of that is a lack of visibility to genuine posters. There have been a couple of general chat threads on the ND board but no one has posted on them since November; most threads deal with specific questions.

Yes. 😔 I'd thought about posting this there but decided not to for exactly that reason, because then lots of us likely wouldn't have found it.

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Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 18:20

Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 18:08

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople oh my God, one of them actually wrote that they think it is hypocritical me having put in the OP that autistic people want to talk here without abuse and please leave us alone, because she thinks this is equivalent to some posters having objected to them making discriminatory and vile ableist comments on their "support for having a shitty partner and want to blame it on autism" threads.

The mind boggles. That's some serious mental gymnastics!!!

I hope they will move back to their usual nastiness about their husbands and leave us in peace.

I'm really sorry if this has made people uncomfortable to post here openly. It's bad enough that there are so many awful, ableist posts about autism left to stand but to then have some of the worst culprits for that try to make us uncomfortable posting here as well or decide it's appropriate to try to mine it as a resource for more ammunition against their partners. I'm really upset. I was trying to create just one space for us here away from all of that. 😔

I just can't get past the audacity of it! An accurate paraphrase of the apparent point that dimwit was trying to make is "we should be allowed to sit here and make factually wrong and offensive and discriminatory comments about your disability, spreading damaging stereotypes long debunked by research and armchair diagnosing anybody whose behaviour we find unpleasant as being autistic, and nobody should report us for this discrimination, how dare they invade our space and do that! But don't you dare try and set up any space where you can talk to each other away from this discrimination we're encouraging and ask people not to come there and abuse you there as well, you hypocrites". 😡😡😡😡

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JarByTheDoor · 06/04/2023 18:20

I want to be clear that I'm not accusing the poster who linked to this thread of deliberately pointing people towards this thread so they can use our posts against autistic people, or that she intended to make people feel uncomfortable about using this thread as intended. I just think people need to spend a few extra seconds thinking about this sort of thing when it comes to support threads.

I think on Reddit, there are some anti-brigading rules and practices intended to prevent people from different parts of the site coming into contact in ways that could escalate to harm, which I think include rules on posting links. But the potential consequences of posting a simple link are something that doesn't really tend to be considered much within MN culture.

Queenelsarules · 06/04/2023 18:25

Hi all, just checking in. Only just seen this thread. Looking forward to having a little haven to hang out in. We are all neurodiverse in our house and it is sometimes just all too much. Too much noise, too much speaking, too much executive function required. So if you don't mind, I'll just jump in the hot tub, with some chilled out tunes, and my kindle and anyone who wants to hang out and not talk is welcome 😎

Exibstudent · 06/04/2023 18:25

I remember looking at one of those threads a decade ago, when I just had an autistic husband and no idea that I was nd or that my then tiny baby and toddler were. I was so horrified- my lovely husband is the most kind, considerate and thoughtful man, yes sometimes he gets things wrong or has a communication issue from his autism, he's human not a robot, but those threads seem to be full of women married to inadequate and abusive men who they have decided are autistic rather than ltb.

I had naively thought that they might have communication tips or something.

Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 18:28

That's a much more measured response than mine @JarByTheDoor . And I agree, it doesn't appear that the poster who originally posted the link meant any harm. It's just that to post it on that thread of all threads, where some of the worst and most inaccurate nastiness about autistic people that I've ever seen left to stand on the entire internet take place, was extremely thoughtless to say the least.

Yet another example of it not being us who are the ones lacking empathy. I mean, it seemed she'd read the thread, the relief of many posters to have a space here to talk away from abuse and judgement, the request in the OP to please stay away if you are not an autistic woman. And then posted it there anyway.

Then the following poster accusing me of hypocrisy for trying to make posters feel safe to post here without receiving the usual abuse they get elsewhere on Mumsnet. The whole idea for this thread came from a thread an autistic poster made for advice, stating she was autistic, and then received a ton of ignorant abuse about why couldn't she get a job and other such stuff that had nothing to do with the thread she'd posted.

I just don't know why people are so thoughtless and horrible. 😓

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Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 18:34

Exibstudent · 06/04/2023 18:25

I remember looking at one of those threads a decade ago, when I just had an autistic husband and no idea that I was nd or that my then tiny baby and toddler were. I was so horrified- my lovely husband is the most kind, considerate and thoughtful man, yes sometimes he gets things wrong or has a communication issue from his autism, he's human not a robot, but those threads seem to be full of women married to inadequate and abusive men who they have decided are autistic rather than ltb.

I had naively thought that they might have communication tips or something.

Yep. It's hideous. I don't recognise any of the autistic people I know in most of what's posted there. To me it seemed mostly like people grasping for ways to excuse unpleasant men they have chosen to marry who - autistic or not - seem to have undesirable characteristics that are not any more typical of autistic people than NT people. And then wanting to blame autism for it instead of dealing with their relationship issues or leaving the relationship.

Of course some autistic people will be unpleasant, just like some NT people are unpleasant!! But the stuff they attribute to autism there is crazy. I only looked at those threads once (before I got this heads up today) and was shocked.

Anyway I really hope they'll just go back to whatever it is they are usually doing and leave us in peace and that this hasn't ruined this thread for everyone here.

OP posts:
Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 18:35

Queenelsarules · 06/04/2023 18:25

Hi all, just checking in. Only just seen this thread. Looking forward to having a little haven to hang out in. We are all neurodiverse in our house and it is sometimes just all too much. Too much noise, too much speaking, too much executive function required. So if you don't mind, I'll just jump in the hot tub, with some chilled out tunes, and my kindle and anyone who wants to hang out and not talk is welcome 😎

Just wanted to say hello and welcome! But will shut up now. 🤫🤣 And yes please, I would love to come and chill! 🥂

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JarByTheDoor · 06/04/2023 18:40

Agreed on all @Nepmarthiturn.

TheShellBeach · 06/04/2023 18:43

Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 18:34

Yep. It's hideous. I don't recognise any of the autistic people I know in most of what's posted there. To me it seemed mostly like people grasping for ways to excuse unpleasant men they have chosen to marry who - autistic or not - seem to have undesirable characteristics that are not any more typical of autistic people than NT people. And then wanting to blame autism for it instead of dealing with their relationship issues or leaving the relationship.

Of course some autistic people will be unpleasant, just like some NT people are unpleasant!! But the stuff they attribute to autism there is crazy. I only looked at those threads once (before I got this heads up today) and was shocked.

Anyway I really hope they'll just go back to whatever it is they are usually doing and leave us in peace and that this hasn't ruined this thread for everyone here.

Well I'm quite happy to go on posting here, OP.
I feel there's safety in numbers here IYSWIM.

Queenelsarules · 06/04/2023 18:45

Hey, thanks for the welcome. I'm happy talk in between chunks of silence as long as I don't need to do small talk as I'm really not good at it! I over share, or am monosyllabic, it's all just a minefield really.

Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 18:45

I really hope so @TheShellBeach

I was so happy how many people wanted to be on the thread and how positive it was. I hope we can ignore that intrusion and carry on as we were.

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Queenelsarules · 06/04/2023 18:48

I reckon ignore is the way to go. You started the chat with intention to create a space, we responded and were drawn to the space. Others reactions are outwith our control, just deny them the light of day and use the space, otherwise we lose something special.

Nepmarthiturn · 06/04/2023 18:54

Yes, good advice @Queenelsarules

Has anybody got any more pet photos, or photos of other special interests? Crafts, plants, whatever you're into?

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