If you found out you had a half sibling

[Aphrathestorm]

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I said my DF was in his late 30s when he had me so it's not beyond imagination that I could have an older half sibling out there somewhere. Especially as he lived in different places.

I'd be really interested in meeting them. I'm an only child and would love that link to someone else.

But my friend said she wouldnt want to know! That she wouldnt feel any connection and would t want the disruption to her family dynamic.

So who's view is most typical.

I thought most people would be at least curious?

I would want to meet them. I never met my grandad and I have a body shape that none of my family share. I’d love to know where it came from or if I take after anybody. I don’t know why it matters but it does.

I have one, no interest in meeting them

I’ve got 4 out there.

Two from my father who are 30 years older than me, I’ve never met them. They went no contact when he divorced their mum (they were adults and married themselves). I have no desire to know anything about them.

Two from my mums side who treated my dad like scum when she died when I was a child. He tried to make me keep in contact with them but I cut them out when I was in my 20s.

It’s hard being an only child, especially as he has dementia and it’s just me dealing with it. On the darkest days, I feel such resentment that I am being robbed from time and enjoyment of my young children dealing with him while his other children got off scott free and when they were in their early 40s like me, they didn’t have to deal with this hell.

Thank you for this. I have been wanting to add to this discussion. I am the dirty secret that's trying to chase down their roots.

People can be very cruel and dismissive no matter how carefully you tread. It can be (and is) heartbreaking.

I've got 2 and am not interested in knowing them. I don't mind knowing about them, but no interest in following up.

I agree that a shared upbringing is far more important in creating bonds than a blood link only.

@Aphrathestorm during lockdown we started our family tree. DH was curious about his grandfather, who had split from his gran when his mum was just a child, and not kept in touch. We googled their names, couldn't find him but found out that MIL (long deceased) had - unknown to DH - a baby boy when she was quite young, she was unmarried, we don't know who the father was, child went into foster care, she moved away. So DH has a half DB!!

We made contact, all good so did a family zoom, had a lovely chat now DH and DB keep in touch regularly, we've met IRL also lovely, smiles all round! It's the one thing, despite everything that life has thrown at us over the past few years (non-covid) that still really makes me smile when I think about it 😍

@BastardChild your user name is very sad and I wish I could have quoted your post rather than used your name as a tag.
You are NOT a dirty secret. You are a person who wants to know their roots. Don't ever apologise, even indirectly, for existing.
I have been where you are, I've been lucky to gain some relationships with some of my (many) half siblings. I hope you find what you're searching for. The majority of people on this thread have never been in our position and can't understand.

Some people are just cold and some are warm. So far all my previously unknown dna cousins are as awesome as I am. ;p

Hey, i can't believe all these depressed and negative people in these comments.
I would want to meet my half-sibling. How many other people share your DNA to the extent that they do in the world? I'd take the chance at potentially create a lifelong relationship with this person.

No interest at all if I had any. I have 3 full siblings and it's hard enough trying to keep up with their lives. I'd have no desire to add another sibling into the mix and would refuse a meet.

I have had a happy childhood though and my parents married young. If there was a half sibling it would have had to be conceived during their marriage so I wouldn't want to know.

I know this is an old thread but in case it's of interest to OP or other respondents, I met my half-brother when I was 19 and he 17. I'd always known he existed, but I was a big (and initially very unwelcome) surprise to him.

It was awkward for a time, but now we're 20 years down the line and have forged a good sibling relationship for ourselves, we see each other a couple of times a year, I care very much for him and his lovely Wife and they're some of my favourite people to spend time with. I was delighted to have him as a witness at our wedding last year.

This is despite that I am totally no contact with our shared parent. I respect that he has a good relationship with our Father, he respects that I do not.

We went from two only children who both craved a sibling to having each other, if a little bit later in life.

I would have zero interest in someone who was the result of yet more adultery by my late unlamented father. I haven't spoken to my full brother (violent drunkard) in over forty years. Adding a half sibling to people I know, no thanks. If I'm going to have ongoing contact with strangers, I'd rather it was on the basis of shared interests and liking. The one connection here would be a man I despised - why bother?

My friend got pregnant from a one night when she was 17, he was 30 plus and already had three children. Friend had a baby boy and father had no contact. Her son is now 24 and has never met his half siblings or his father. He is an only child, my friend didn't have more children. My friend knows where they live and her son has been around them unknowingly as they all live within a radius of five miles. Friend says that her son has no interest in meeting his father or half siblings.

I find it quite sad and strange that this boy has actually been in a que at the supermarket and his father and half has literally been stood in front of him and neither knew that they are father and son. My friend told me this as she was in the shop with her son , spotted his father in the que and made an excuse to her son and left the shop leaving her son in the que beside his father and half sibling.

My thinking is along the same lines as yours. As far as my father is concerned he's on his third marriage and had countless affairs that I wouldn't be surprised if there were even more half siblings that I didn't know about. I have no desire to meet them all just because we share the same feckless father DNA

OP, is isn't punishing the children for the parents sins as you put it, it's about boundaries and self-protection.
My "dad" left me when I was a month old. He popped up for 1 afternoon when I was 5 years old. I'm now 38. I have no connection with him. His existence in the world barely crosses my mind from year to year.
I am aware I have at least 5 half siblings (I am the oldest, as far as I'm aware). He's gone off and had other families, after abandoning me and leaving both me and my mum in poverty as a baby. He got to skip off into the sunset with no responsibility. I've already been rejected by him. The other siblings (potentially - I don't know as I don't know how long he stayed in subsequent relationships) have had the benefit of a stable relationship with their fathers, which was denied to me. I've already been rejected by him and his family (his parents, who my mum had previously been closed to, dropped her like a hot stone when he left my mum), why would I open myself up to more rejection from them.
If they got in touch I'd be polite, but absolutely no interest in anything further.

I have an older half brother. Mum had him and had to give him up for adoption. She wasn’t young but out of wedlock. I found out after she died. He contacted me and i was shocked and in denial. My dad knew and had made provisions for me to know if he died (and half brother hadn’t contacted).

that was 13 yrs ago. We’ve met a few times, send Christmas cards, my cousins etc are on FB with him but that’s it really.

then again, im barely in touch with my full brother!

I knew from about the age of 15 that I had a half brother (teenage fling my dad had), but because he'd been adopted I had no way of knowing how to find him, or if he'd welcome being contacted.
10yrs ago, he decided to track us down & I am so, so glad that he did. His adoptive parents were clearly amazing people and whilst we obviously have had very different upbringings, he's the most generous, kind and warm person I've ever met. We don't get to see each other very often, but I'm so grateful to have him in my life - even if it means I'm now the youngest of four, instead of the youngest of three!

I found this after posting on another current thread. Hope no one minds me reviving it.

I am adopted and I found my biological father and I have contact with a paternal cousin. Ironically, my birth father was adopted too. I am not in contact with him now, nor is the paternal cousin that I in fact introduced him too. It was emotionally one of the hardest things I've been through. I guess I don't regret doing it. As adoptees, we had really different ideas about what we were looking for from an experience with birth family. I am very close to my adoptive family and that shared history is what 'makes' us family - sharing DNA wasn't enough of a basis for a sustainable close relationship. He basically wanted me to call him 'Dad'. He really did behave like the 50 years I'd had with my adoptive family were wiped away after one phone call.

It might have been possible to build a more of an arm's length relationship - but just thinking about that now makes me feel stressed, even unwell. It weighed a lot. Every time I think about it and the fact that I am free from that situation, I breathe a sigh of relief.

Everyone has room in their lives for another 'cousin' - it's much lower stakes. That's a positive interaction.

I am an only child and I have had fantasies about meeting my birth mother's children (she has three.) But given what happened with my birth dad it is probably best to leave things be. I can't see what good would come of it.

I am glad to have the answers regarding my origins - everyone is entitled to that. I feel bad hearing stories about NPEs and late discovery adoptees. No one should be lied to. B

On adoptee/NPE sites people are really encouraged to make contact, the emphasis is all on their 'rights' to do, regardless of the circumstances (affair partner, abuse etc.) One of the most sickening stories I read was an adoptee whose mother had been raped at 12. It's very, very sad that this is the story the adoptee encountered but I cannot imagine having to revisit that tragedy as an adult, with someone who wanted info about the birth father too. The people on this post were egging her on and actually questioning the birth mother's story. There is so much in all of these discussions where I think people forget to step back and remember there are human beings here - both the adoptee/NPE afraid to put a foot wrong/say the wrong thing. But also, the people who made the decision and the fact that their stress/grief/etc would have been profound.

I found out I had 3 half siblings when I expressed a desire to meet my DF (divorced from my DM a few years before and no contact in place for a couple of reasons).

They were younger than me and I developed a relationship of sorts with them but when my stepmum divorced DF and he died about 3 years later then things got a bit sticky with my siblings. My half sister in particular developed a nasty streak to her and my half brother developed mental health issues. I then fell out with my half sister and apart from when I spoke to her 10 years ago nothing since. Do I regret making contact? Not reply as we had some good times. Would I do it again? Unsure.

I met my half brother a long time ago. I'd lived in the same house as him from birth to 2 years old. Physically we were very different, nothing in common at all. Although I have to say he had the same demeanour as myself and seemed a nice enough chap.

His wife though had thought I was after money [inheritance I suppose] when I traced him and got in touch. The thought had not entered my head, at all, nothing was further from my mind and I think that said more about her than me.

After his visit, which went well enough I thought, I wrote - no reply. And I phoned their home but my brother was in the middle of watching a football match so it was 2 minutes duration. And nothing since. Obviously not interested and that's fine.

It isn't like 'Long Lost Family'. The past is often very messy, painful and raw and best left alone and moved on from. I had just hoped for a connection, but there wasn't one.

I have a half sister. Father's 2nd marriage. I knew about her and met her several times, even went to the christening but got cut off by Dads wife.
Father colluded with keeping me at arms length and effectively pretended I wasn't his daughter until it became too difficult to keep secret. Wider family not in on the deception.
I am now in contact with her - we're not close as big age gap and no shared history but I think we are both happy that contact has been made.
I think this was the final nail in the already very shaky relationship I have with my Dad. I really can't forgive him
On a happier note, my DD was brought up with her half siblings and they consider themselves brothers/sisters and get on just fine.

I wouldn’t be interested either. I have one ‘half brother’ (never actually called him this) but he’s my Mum’s so we were raised together. My Dad, to my knowledge, has no other children but he easily could have because we haven’t really had much contact since I reached adulthood. He was only in his late 30s when we stopped talking so plenty of time to have a new family, wouldn’t surprise me but I have no interest either way.

I wouldn’t be interested at all, I’m not interested in the ones I know about. I don’t class my half siblings as actual siblings.

I not only found out at 13 that I had a half sibling, but that the siblng I'd grown up with was also my half sib. I was fucking devastated at the time, but these days we all get on fine.

I wouldn't be interested. I'd feel a bit resentful of them shattering our family illusion (assuming it was a secret family, my parents married in their teens). But I wouldn't feel any connection with them if they hadn't grown up with us.