If you found out you had a half sibling

[Aphrathestorm]

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I said my DF was in his late 30s when he had me so it's not beyond imagination that I could have an older half sibling out there somewhere. Especially as he lived in different places.

I'd be really interested in meeting them. I'm an only child and would love that link to someone else.

But my friend said she wouldnt want to know! That she wouldnt feel any connection and would t want the disruption to her family dynamic.

So who's view is most typical.

I thought most people would be at least curious?

i would be curious to meet them.

I wouldn’t want to know.

I've seen this issue cause a lot of difficulty and upset for adult DS who was late teens when a half sibling popped up. It wasn't in any way helpful and the person added nothing but guilt trips to my DS life, now older, they have gone NC and have come to terms with it being OK that they don't want any more contact. If it was me I wouldn't want to know as I don't want any complications in my life. The connection seems no more relevant than a 2nd cousin I've never met and there are plenty of those.

My brother in law tried to meet his half sister when he discovered her existence (he lived in the same country, my then husband didn’t). She wasn’t interested. She was born as a result of my father in laws infidelity and when he discovered he’d fathered another child, he disappeared for a while leaving both my mother in law (with 2 young boys) and his affair partner unsupported.

Also, I can’t see many people agreeing to donate bone marrow to what is essentially, a stranger. As PP said, I’d sooner donate to a close friend if I could

I have helped a friend trace a half sibling, they are still in touch. Some people feel a deep need to find someone who looks like them. Some need to know their family medical history and all should have a right to it. I've met my half siblings, we have no shared experience or bond but I consider they have a moral right to a meeting and some information from you.

i have a half sibling who I’ve never met and I have no interest in meeting them. I discovered when I was a teenager my dad had been married a decade earlier because he had impregnated someone. When the marriage broke down the baby was ‘adopted’ by the mothers mother so they thought their mum was their sister.

its odd because I do find people interesting and like hearing about people’s pasts but I have no interest in this person. I have a suspicion my dad is a narcissist who gets bored with people (including me!) so I don’t get involved in his life. These days I believe my family is just me and dc and I suppose dp (although we don’t live together) and these are the people I choose to focus on. I don’t have the headspace to acquire new family members.

I think it might depend on circumstances for me. I wouldn't want to meet any half siblings as it would mean either cheating or a pregnancy very young, so that's just trauma for my parents. If, however, I had a different family set up, say a dad that wasn't around and so half siblings were likely, I wouldn't seek them out but I'd be curious enough to meet them if they contacted me. I don't think I'd see them as family though since we didn't grow up together or have any shared connection. Maybe something like a distant cousin at most.

Missing/unknown half-siblings has an added worry in small communities - unintended relationships before the familial one is realised

for those reasons I think it’s important for as much honesty as possible, regardless of whether either family wants to be in touch

men fathering multiple children & abandoning some can have worse outcomes than half-siblings not getting on

I always knew I had an older half brother. I met him after our dad died and it was good for a while but he turned out to be all the things I didn't miss about our father and went no contact.

No. This is the reason I have never done the online family dna test.

Would people feel differently if they were full siblings?

I don’t have the time for anyone else in my life at the moment.

I have a half sister, who I found out about when I was about 11. I found out because I was introduced, by my father, to a distant family member as his "youngest daughter." Until that moment, I had no idea I wasn't his only daughter. They'd become estranged when he married my mother and had me. She was 14 then.

I was 14 when I first met her: she and my father had reconciled. She didn't feel like my sister then and never has tbh. I don't have any contact with her, or indeed with my father. I did find out later that I also have a half brother out there somewhere, who was born when my father was very, very young and given up for adoption. I highly doubt he'd be remotely interested in meeting me, but if he reached out I would answer, I have no reason not to. I am two decades or so younger than him though, so I'm not sure what relationship could/would be built.

I have no desire for contact with any of them off my own back tbh.

Ooh I don't know. I think I would definitely want to find out and do some FB etc snooping! But I'm quite socially awkward and struggle to make an maintain 'deep' relationships outside of my family and smallish social circle so I'd worry about being pushed into an overly close relationship with someone who is basically a stranger. Also I have three 'full' siblings so I don't feel like I'm missing anything - if I was an only I might feel different!

My DH on the other hand was adopted at birth and (although I would obviously never say this to him!) I struggle to understand his absolute lack of desire to find his bio parents. There was no abuse or SS involvement - they were just young teens and didn't feel capable of bringing up a child. If I were DH I think I'd have to find out - if only because he has such a strong/unique personality that is so completely opposite to his adoptive dad (his DM is dead) and his brother, who is his adoptive parents' bio son. I would be desperately curious to see if my bio parents were similar to me!

I do sometimes think in his case DH doesn't want to look while his dad's still alive as that would be somehow betraying him (both his parents were very against telling him anything about his bio parents or him looking for them - DH only found out in his mid-30s that they had photos and letters from them to him as a small child that they had never shared)

My DH is an only child and for various reasons we suspect he may have an older half brother (his Dad's son). By the time he discovered evidence to suggest this his Dad was dead and his Mum refuses to discuss his Dad's past. We don't have enough information to confirm whether this half brother actually exists or to find him but DH and I have discussed investigating more. DH would love to have a sibling and would definitely want to meet if we found a half bother. I think it would probably be a disaster. From the little I know about his Dad when he was younger I suspect that he was a bit of a dick. DH has a very idealised view of him as the perfect husband and father and someone that everyone loved and respected. If he met a half sibling he would almost certainly tell a different story- at the very least his experience would be of a Dad who rarely (if ever) saw him. I think this could be upsetting for both of them- the brother because the father who ignored him was so involved in DH life and DH because it would challenge his memories of his father as a lovely family man.

Almost certainly your DH is like one of his biological parents.

We (culturally, in general) hugely underestimate the power of genetics.

I spent months tracing my real dad and half siblings. He got my birth mother pregnant at 16, it was all arranged for them.to marry but she found out he had another also pregnant girlfriend so didn't go through with it.

Having done all the research I ended up seeing two half brothers Facebook pages. I just looked at them.and thought 'who are they to me really?' I just think it's biology and that's all. The same with my real dad really who saw me once when I was born. Why would he care about me now?

This is very likely to depend on the relationships you have now within your family. I'd be really interested to meet a half sibling.

I do have a half brother (who is a dickhead and I haven't seen or spoken to him in 20 years). But I have no relationships with anyone in my family, so it would be great to meet someone who I have a biological connection to out there. I can't imagine we'd be very close as we'd live far from each other and I am very different to everyone in my family (hence nothing to do with them). But I would certainly want to know.

My friend has recently met her half sibling. She always knew about her and would've wanted to meet her desperately, but it was never allowed. Generally, It's actually a very hard thing and creates emotions you never knew you had. Not an easy thing often.

I was about 30 when I found out I had a half brother. My Mum had been forced to tell me as the half brother had tried to make contact with her via a very circuitous route involving my Dad's side of the family (totally against the advice of the authorities and I'm still not sure how he did it). It was a total shock to me. He turned up a few weeks later to see my Mum. She had had him adopted. She didn't want any further contact after he appeared at the door. As he caused so many problems between both sides of my family as a result, I had no desire to meet him myself. He died about 7 years ago. My parents never mentioned it again.

My partner is in this position - something like 14 as far as he knows.

I didn't mind the fact of a half-sister. But having had no idea at all till my mid-20s when my parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles all knew left me wondering what other things I might not know and it really screwed up my life for some years and left me with massive trust issues. My full sister had always suspected there was something and had actively decided not to know, and was really angry with me for making her know - but what if I hadn't told her, and she later found out I had known? And we had never talked about it (partly because I didn't suspect anything to talk about) so I had no idea she didn't want to know.

My mother was born in 1932 and immediately sent to an orphanage because the father was American Jewish ( University student from abroad) .Her mother was an unmarried Scottish Presbyterian. After three years in an orphanage she was adopted by a couple in their 50s. The adoptive mother despised her and would often make disparaging comments about her. I traced her half siblings on both sides. She had one in her mother’s side, and 7 from her father’s. The 7 were in the US, but mum never flew over there. My brother did. Initially, they thought our family wanted money then they were friendly. Mum corresponded with one of them, but they never met. On the mother’s side they met up, but it never developed into anything. What was so crushing for my mum, and she never really recovered from this, neither of her biological parents ever mentioned her. Never. Dumped her in an orphanage and forgotten. Poor mum.