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Original poster

If you found out you had a half sibling

187 replies

Aphrathestorm · 20/03/2023 08:01

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I said my DF was in his late 30s when he had me so it's not beyond imagination that I could have an older half sibling out there somewhere. Especially as he lived in different places.

I'd be really interested in meeting them. I'm an only child and would love that link to someone else.

But my friend said she wouldnt want to know! That she wouldnt feel any connection and would t want the disruption to her family dynamic.

So who's view is most typical.

I thought most people would be at least curious?

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 20/03/2023 09:57

One of my family did because their parent's marriage was a second one for her dad. I am not sure her mum knew at the time her parents married, and the half brother was nearly 20 years older.

They met him twice (second time at the dad's funeral), but the relative did not try to find out what happened until after the mother died. Half brother lived to a good age, had married, but the whereabouts of their child (so a niece) is unknown.

Maedan · 20/03/2023 10:00

This happened to me, I met my older half sister when I was 30 and she was 35. She was nice but we had nothing in common and completely different lives so we never met up again. She died 10 years after that one and only meeting. I do wish we'd met up again but suspect if we had we'd neither have got what we'd have wanted from the meeting 🤷

ExpatInSlavikLand · 20/03/2023 10:01

romdowa · 20/03/2023 08:14

I'd definitely meet them. I don't have a relationship with my full sibling and I'd quite like another chance at having that relationship. It's very very doubtful though that there is any half siblings out there.

Same here.

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Families
SavBlancTonight · 20/03/2023 10:03

I think it entirely depends on why you have a half sibling you didn't know growing up. A good friend's dad left his first wife and children to run off with her mother and went on to have her and her sister. He had nothing to do with his first family ever again. My friend was very close to her dad and finding out about this in her teens was very traumatic - it made her question everything about him. Over time, it became easier just to pretend they don't exist. I get that.

Me and my siblings on the other hand, are a bit like OP - our dad was a bit older when he met and married our mum and he'd travelled the world before. We are 90% certain that if there are any other siblings he doesn't know about them and 100% certain that if he did, he definitely hasn't had any contact, but we've often talked about it being interesting to know.

He spent quite a lot of time in Australia at one point. All three of us look like him, particularly in the eyes, so when my sister spent some time in Australia a few years ago we joked that she should keep an eye out for someone with our eyes and who was a few years older!

BlingLoving · 20/03/2023 10:07

Whichwhatnow · 20/03/2023 09:26

Ooh I don't know. I think I would definitely want to find out and do some FB etc snooping! But I'm quite socially awkward and struggle to make an maintain 'deep' relationships outside of my family and smallish social circle so I'd worry about being pushed into an overly close relationship with someone who is basically a stranger. Also I have three 'full' siblings so I don't feel like I'm missing anything - if I was an only I might feel different!

My DH on the other hand was adopted at birth and (although I would obviously never say this to him!) I struggle to understand his absolute lack of desire to find his bio parents. There was no abuse or SS involvement - they were just young teens and didn't feel capable of bringing up a child. If I were DH I think I'd have to find out - if only because he has such a strong/unique personality that is so completely opposite to his adoptive dad (his DM is dead) and his brother, who is his adoptive parents' bio son. I would be desperately curious to see if my bio parents were similar to me!

I do sometimes think in his case DH doesn't want to look while his dad's still alive as that would be somehow betraying him (both his parents were very against telling him anything about his bio parents or him looking for them - DH only found out in his mid-30s that they had photos and letters from them to him as a small child that they had never shared)

My mother was adopted. Young, unmarried parents and her dad, we think, died in WW2 while her mum was pregnant. She never had any interest whatsoever in meeting or knowing her biological family. I didn't understand for a long time, and in retrospect, I wonder if she had theories. But what I did come to understand is that her relationship with her adopted mother was very close and important to her and she created her own family with my dad. She didn't need or want anything else.

Sceptre86 · 20/03/2023 10:07

Not interested but then I'm one of four so have siblings already. I don't think blood is the most important part of a relationship ie. sometimes people have closer relationships with friends than their own family. I'd wish them no ill will but I'd leave it at that.

ExpatInSlavikLand · 20/03/2023 10:08

skippy67 · 20/03/2023 08:39

I have a full sibling as well as the 2 half ones.
My full sibling and I aren't in contact. He was vile to me when we were growing up and it was a relief when he left home. I used to wish i was an only child. I've not set eyes on him in nearly 10 years which suits me fine. Having a sibling isn't always all it's cracked up to be.

Sorry to hear that.

My only brother was completely spoilt (while I was the scapegoat child) and grew up to be a thief and went on to refuse contact with me and our paternal family after we discovered he'd stolen from all of us, despite us repeatedly offering olive branches.

I feel guilty that my daughter (IVF baby, born between two miscarriages) is most likely going to be an only child, but then I think of my brother, and people like you who also have no relationships with vile or difficult siblings, and I do wonder if I'm worrying over nothing?

pontipinemum · 20/03/2023 10:19

I'm also an only child so I do understand the desire to have a sibling.

My father left when I was a baby. He got in contact when I was in my mid 20s. I found out I have two half sibling. They live a couple hundred miles away but still a very cheap Ryanair flight is all. I do not want to meet them. One seems to think the sun shines out of our fathers arse the other not so much. Anyway I snooped them out on SM, had a little bit of contact on the internet but never met them. Met my father twice. But have since cut all contact with all of them. I don't know these people.

Also yes I am a complete snob so what, they are not people I would choose to be friends with. Their life style is a world away from mine.

Ikeatears · 20/03/2023 10:21

I've been here, m y times over. I have 5 half siblings on my birth mother's side and 2 on my birth father's side. I wanted to know them but many of them, I suspect, felt like many of you. They didn't really want to know and didn't feel a connection. One brother on my paternal side has been different. We've built a wonderful relationship with each other and with each other's families. He feels like my brother, I love him, he loves me. We've enriched each other's lives. We met when we were 45 and 38. It's been worth it for us and I wouldn't want to be without him. I think personalities play a huge part in whether it works.

InDesperateNeedOfSleep · 20/03/2023 10:33

I have a half sibling I've never met or spoke to, who will be roughly 15 now

EmmaEmerald · 20/03/2023 10:36

pontipinemum "Also yes I am a complete snob so what, they are not people I would choose to be friends with. Their life style is a world away from mine."

you can't know that if you don't know them, but I obviously get why people wpuldn't want to know, as I'm in that camp myself.

heathspeedwell · 20/03/2023 10:36

I found out in the last decade that I have at least two half siblings (via my father) with two different mothers. We are all in touch and get on really well. It wasn't easy to discover that my father was even more irresponsible than I thought. He has many good qualities but using contraception is not his strong point!

The bottom line is that my half siblings are a joy and I wish I had known them sooner. Maybe it's a genetic lottery but we have loads in common and have a lot of fun together. We think there is probably another half sibling out there and I hope we find him or her. It's hard to discover that a parent has lied to you for most of your life, but if there are other people you can vent to then it makes it much easier to look on the bright side and be grateful for the positives.

Lyricallie · 20/03/2023 10:42

I have half siblings that I must have met as a child as there are photos but no memory of them and have no interest in meeting them now. I also don’t speak to my dad so I imagine it would just open up old wounds.

acidreign · 20/03/2023 10:51

I wouldn't be particularly interested to meet them. Unless our shared parent had had a significant presence in their life (and therefore there would be things I'd want to know), I can't imagine I'd feel different towards them than any other stranger.

If they wanted to meet me I would do so, but wouldn't expect to 'get' anything out of it personally.

thaisweetchill · 20/03/2023 10:56

I'd be interested in getting to know them, obviously I'd see how it went and the relationship developed

BigglyBee · 20/03/2023 10:59

I found out that I have a half brother when I was 34, shortly after the death of my daughter. At first, I was keen to meet him and I wanted us to form a relationship.

As time went on, it was clear that he is more like our shred mother than I would like. He wanted to slot right into a "big brother" role in my life, and wanted to give his opinion on every aspect of my life, but he wasn't really interested in me as a person. He totally ignored the birth of my third son (it was quite odd, he would send cards and gifts for the other two, but just pretended poor number 3 didn't exist), and would have tantrums if I was out of contact for a couple of weeks.

We have no contact at all now, but he has a lot of contact with our mother. I hope they are very happy together.

SueVineer · 20/03/2023 11:01

I would definitely be curious and want to meet them. My ex found out he had a half sister on ancestry and although he didn’t want contact at first, curiosity got the better of him and he made contact.

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 20/03/2023 11:01

I would be interested! My Dad is that much older half sibling- his father had him when he was 16 and then did a legger on my Gran and Dad. 50 years later my grandfather died and my father had contact from The Salvation Army saying he had seven (seven!) siblings who were reaching out. Seven sisters who never knew about their brother but once they found out wanted to meet him. They had a brother they'd grown up with but he didn't want to get involved.

We met them and have kept up contact over the years, they're a nice bunch. They aren't sisters who he has a relationship with like if he had grown up with them, but they're very nice and very kind to us. His youngest half sister is closer in age to me (she's 46, I'm 40) than my Dad!

MaeMair · 20/03/2023 11:07

I have a half sibling. No interest in them. No curiosity. Dont see them as my relative. Their mother caused me and my sibs a great deal of sorrow growing up.

strawberry2017 · 20/03/2023 11:15

My husband has 2 half siblings, he's never had the chance to know them coz his dad has never told them about him.
He's the eldest, his dad was with his mum and left. He's met the "father" once when he was 18 and he has no plans to tell his children about him.
I feel sad for all the siblings. None of them have had a fair chance to make decisions.

Original poster
Aphrathestorm · 20/03/2023 11:44

This is so interesting- absolutely not what I expected!

I have another friend who has 2 half siblings who are still primary aged children. They don't know about this much older paternal half sibling.

I'd assumed that once they are adults it would be appropriate for my friend to contact them. That they would be curious and want to at least meet and keep a line of communication open.

But from these responses my friend may well be told to f* off! That's so sad.

They have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 20/03/2023 12:04

No I wouldn’t want to meet them. I would have no interest in them. I have 5 half siblings and don’t have a relationship with any of them! I don’t need another! Though I can understand why those with no siblings would feel the need but i wouldn’t meet them and I have loads of family I have little to no relationship with so this wouldn’t be any different for me.

SpinningFloppa · 20/03/2023 12:04

Also my own kids have a half sibling who they have never met and don’t know about.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 20/03/2023 12:05

I would absolutely love to find one as an only dc life is quiet!

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 20/03/2023 12:05

I would want to meet them for sure