Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

Hi CFF (cheeky fucker friend), just on with your invoice for the last event.. What time do you need me so I can give you a rough estimate of the bill for this one?
WOF (walk over friend)

Yeah of course I can. You can pay me this time though. I charge £20 an hour. Let me know the hours you want me to work

No is a complete sentence. I know people don't like that but it is. You need to piss her off, get her out of your life because she's a cheeky fucker for sure.

I'm afraid I'm still wiped after the last event I helped at, but would be great to see you for a coffee and a catch up.

If they are a user, you won't see them for dust.

I've only recently discovered boundaries, but using them regularly really helps and stops any resentment. Hope you feel better and have people who nourish you too.

"Just so that I understand this correctly. You want me to pay for my own petrol to attend your event so that I can work myself to total exhaustion for free while you chat and make a ton of money from my efforts? Like you did a few weeks ago."

I think you need to be a bit honest about how you feel. It's terrible you didn't get a thank you. I don't think it's awful you didn't get paid if that wasn't the agreement.

i think either don't reply or say you're pleased she was happy with your help last time as you worked really hard and weren't sure it had been appreciated. You're not prepared to keep working for free but hope it goes well.

Or

I'm afraid the last time I helped felt alot more like work than pleasure, happy to work the event for you, ££ will cover time and petrol.

I think you should definitely make a point of the fact she didn't pay you or say thanks last time. What a cheeky bitch

"No, i cant help this time."

If you don't want to get into a confrontation, how about something like: "Hi X, great that you're doing another event- hope it goes just as swimmingly as the last one! Not sure I'll be able to make it this time but will be thinking of you and hope all goes well." OR "Hi X, great that you're doing another event. Funnily enough I was just wondering where to send the invoice for the last one?"

I'd just say a simple no thank you.

I think you should take this opportunity to try out your new boundary / assertive muscle for the first time - go hell for leather and enjoy it:

“Wow. Really surprised to hear from you. I thought you knew you had screwed me over last time and would leave me alone but you’ve come back for more? You are even more exploitative than I thought possible and your social skills are shocking and undignified.”

I’m afraid I can’t help - I’m still shattered from the last one!

HI CF,

Lol.

Love OP.

“Sorry, friend, I really can’t afford to help out again for nothing. And the last one was exhausting - to be honest, I felt rather taken for granted. Anyway, hope it goes well.”

Thanks very much, this is a really good response.. Your previous suggestion was great too but I know that a coffee and catch up wouldn’t happen, only at one of her events that I pay to attend or help with….oh what a mug!

Try to turn it around. Worthless is not a kind way to speak about yourself - how would you respond if a friend spoke about themselves this way?
Now this is a wonderful opportunity to change your narrative. Option 1 just say no. Option 2 state your hourly rate and see her response.
In the mean time you decide who you give your time to for free. That’s in your Court and will help your self esteem.
Maybe an assertiveness course as well?

@RelentlessForwardProgress (or rather Phoebe) has nailed it: "I wish I could, but I don't want to". Oh how I wish there was a 'like' button on MN.

You could say something like "I'm unavailable for events, but would love to catch up over a coffee" (if you mean it about catching up).

I know you don't want to provoke a disagreement, but I wonder whether stating how you feel reasonably objectively (I.e. you feel as though people only contact you when they want something, you feel undervalued as a friend) might be worth doing... it sounds as though the friendship is probably over anyway, so it might not hurt to be honest (best case, she'll be mortified and put it right, worst case, the friendship will end but it sounds like you're ready for it to end anyway). Sometimes honesty is better than resentment or making assumptions.

Some good advice on here. Wouldn’t ask for money if that wasn’t agreed or you’re not in the headspace for a discussion though. I’d go with something like Afraid I can’t, but lots of luck x

I’d go with something like, “Hi so glad the last event was a success for you. Unfortunately I won’t be around to help out this time. Let me know when you are free for a catch up and a coffee though and I’ll meet t up with you then.”

Just tell her, sorry I found the last of your events exhausting and could do with making a bit of extra money myself! Let me know if you fancy a meet up soon.

A lot if those answers are what we would all like to send/say. I’m nit sure this is what you should actually be sending.

I’d say something along the lines of
Hi <friend>
I actually found the last event full on and quite hard work tbh. So I’ll leave you to it this time. Thank for asking.
id love to meet up though. Shall we have a coffee together some time next week? <Only and only if you fee like meeting her still!! Otherwise just skip>

I love this

Thank you everyone, there are some brilliant suggestions. Some have really made me laugh. This has been my wake up call to start asserting some boundaries. I’ve been a bit too desperate to make friends and have clearly been a bit of a mug!