Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

😂

How about, it’s so nice to hear from you, I wondered how you were doing as I haven’t heard from you since the last event I worked at, unfortunately can’t work this time but have a great day x

You took the high road, OP. Hope you are feeling better about the situation, and less taken advantage of.

Well done OP, you've shown a lot of class and grace while setting down clear boundaries about how you'll be treated.

'All I can do is apologise...' what BS. She could immediately send you payment and a bunch of flowers is what she could do if she was half as gracious as you OP.

'All I can do is apologise but' = not apologising

She has shown she's not sorry and only cares about herself not you.

The best thing you can do is ignore and try to put her out of your mind. You are a good person who has acted with integrity. Move on and focus instead on people and things more deserving of you...that includes yourself !

Oooh - that's tempting . . . .😈

"All I can do is apologise" is it? Really? She cant pop by with wine, chocs and £50 in an envelope?

Come on CF, you can do better than that if you really want to

Or even in her text say “Thank-you” …..

Seems that prospect might choke her.

'No, sorry, I'm not your servant'

'I wish I could but I'm just not that obedient anymore... sorry 🤷'

I would definitely reply to this.

"Thank you for providing all the reasons why you didn't thank me after I'd done a full day's work for you. It's really helpful and all I needed to confirm and validate my thoughts and feelings - mainly that our friendship is not really a friendship at all, and that I've been a bit of a mug giving my time and energy to somone who very evidently sees me as free labour rather than a friend.

I hadn't expected payment. I hadn't even expected a little thank you gift. I did expect a little gratitude between friends. And, as you've made clear, the reason I didn't get any is because we're not friends.

I worked x hours. I'd say £15 p/h seems fair. That would mean I'm due £xxx payment.

No expectation. I'll leave it to you to decide what's fair.

Best of luck with your next event. I'd be happy to work for you if you're stuck for staff. This would be dependent on my receiving payment for the last event that together with payment for this event up front."

'So sorry I am not in a position to volunteer at the moment. Things are a bit tight. Hope the event will go brilliantly.'

You will probably never hear from her again - unless she will ask again next time. You're better off without people like this in your life.

Seriously, just tell her sorry but you're not available a few times. She'll get the message. No further details are needed.

We done OP!!
Brilliant reply!
And thank you for updating.

I think leave it at that now and feel lighter for knowing you have set your boundaries and you're in control of your worth.

Simples! Say you’re too busy with (choose or make something up) at the moment and also pretty exhausted and therefore unable at the moment( worry about next request when it comes) but good luck.

Beyond this dump “friend”. Unless her memory is jogged and she suddenly realises she forgot to pay ( money not chocolate) you for the last event. Honestly some people! Unbelievable. With friends like this who needs enemies etc etc.

I think leave it at that now and feel lighter for knowing you have set your boundaries and you're in control of your worth.

Love this.

The important single goal and outcome of your message back - was for you to experience the pleasure of being calmly assertive - any response from her was irrelevant.

It would have been nice if she had then actually gone on to acknowledge her mistake and put it right by Thanking you - but she was incapable of that then and now and could only attempt to punish you further by attempting to defend the indefensible.

I hope you are savouring your personal progress. Keep up the dignity and boundaries as it shines a light on those who have none.

I'm still waiting to be paid for last time.

Hi ‘friend’
Im so sorry, last time I helped out I’d wrongly assumed I’d receive payment for my hard work…. I’d love to help you out again but I simply can’t afford to give my time away for free, can we agree an hourly rate this time please?
OP

All these people coming onto a 300+ post thread with their helpful suggestions of ways to reply.

Does it not occur to you that things might have moved on from the OP in all these pages of posts …. ?

The OP replied and has had a response.

“well” is an incredibly defensive way of starting a response!
However she didn’t only ‘forget’ to thank you but also ‘forgot’ to pay you….

And actually I don’t care how busy or tired she is… if she’s running her business by using the generosity of friends & family, then she should make time to thank them/pay them!!
How long does it take to set up a text thanking someone for all their help and then to copy and paste it to everyone who gave up their time for her?! It would literally have taken a matter of minutes to type and send !! And even if her intentions had been pure a response of ‘oh my goodness, I’m so sorry, I thought I’d th led everyone and hadn’t realised I’d missed you, please except my apologise, I’m so sorry, please forgive me!!!!”…. NOT “Well I suppose I should apologise” (which is basically what she’s written!

Did you respond?? I’d be tempted to either not respond at all or respond with a simply “Well, I’m afraid I simply can’t afford to give my labour away for free. “

Oh look, the thread police has appeared. 🙄

Says you, policing my post. 🙄

😂😂

Tell her you’d love to help, but it will cost £15/20 ph plus expenses and that you cannot afford to subsidise her (business?) event when your resources are so limited. If you weren’t willing or available she’d presumably have to pay someone to do what you were doing for nothing.She’s using you and is no friend to you.

I think ex friend might be a little surprised if OP responded like that after a 6 month silence.