Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

I think I would be honest and say I would have loved to have helped but still recovering from the last one it was exhausting after a day at work so will give it a miss this time.

But can’t you see this is absolutely not the way to make friends? All it tells people is that you have poor self-esteem and are prepared to trade services to people you don’t even like or respect in order to feel needed. Would you want to be friends with someone like that?

I won't be around to help.
Currently looking into paid work to help me out of financial difficulties.
Good luck though!

You sound lovely, OP.

"Dear Friend. Thanks for your message. I won't be able to help with your next event, but I hope it goes well".

HI cf,

That reminds me you
forgot to pay me for last time. Here are my account details
Xxxxxx
Xxxxxxxx

What times would you like help for this time I will check my diary.

Speak soon
X

In addition the CF is probably also getting all the credit and kudos for the success of 'her' fund-raising event. I always remember the wonderful To The Manor Born when Audrey was 'organising' a arge fund-raising event. In reality her role was to stand there and tell others what to do but she remembered to order a large 'surprise' bouquet to be presented to her for all her hard work! Most volunteer oraganisations have one like it, the knack is to know and avoid them.

Rather than just say no, I'd make it clear that her behaviour in relation to the last one wasn't ok. It places a boundary so she stops thinking she can take advantage of you.

I like the response above saying the last event was work, not pleasure and specifying an hourly rate.

If you need anything done, like painting a room or clearing out a shed- id also put that in saying 'let me know when you're free next so I can call in the favour- I have some sheep that need castrating- should only be 4 hours of your time and I'll even shout you a sandwich'

Incredibly rude of her to let you work hard for free while she swanned around making money.

You’re not a mug. You are kind and generous and are the type of friend that will be really appreciated by a non CF. You are not the problem here, don’t let this cow make you feel bad.

Some great advice here. She already knows she’s a CF

hey thanks for thinking of me! I enjoyed last time and it def made me look for paid options like this. If you see any come up pls think of me.

A simple not this time leaves you open to future requests, so you have to be a bit more assertive than that.

So how about,
'I'm sorry I can't make this one but if there's a future one I could help. My hourly rate is £... I'll need a few weeks notice.

Hope it all goes well!'

She is no friend.

To be honest if you don't want an ongoing relationship with her the simplest thing would be to ignore her message. Just ghost her.

If she follows up asking if something is wrong etc then you can explain how you feel and assert some boundaries. If she doesn't, it really says it all. She should be the one to make an effort. If she doesn't cotton on and just bugs you to be her unpaid labour then you can block her.

If you struggle with assertiveness and boundaries then sending her a challenging message might wind up being quite confusing, stressful or unsatisfying for you (if for example she decides to join the fight and knows how to press your buttons or gaslight you. You can't really gaslight or manipulate someone who simply ignores you).

This is a great response.

What about:

Thanks for asking, I didn't feel as though my help was appreciated last time so I'm going to decline this offer. Hope it goes well!

I think you need to explain quire clearly why you are saying no. She sounds oblivious, but it's not confrontation, it's just part of being an adult. Send it then whatever the reply back respond as you are talking to us, plainly and reasonably.

There will always be those who take advantage of good, kind hearted people, just learn to spot them and devote your time to true friends who really appreciate you and give back. Know your worth 🩷

I think this is a bad suggestion, so forelock tugging. Thanks for asking, love to meet up. That's so far from the truth it's cringeworthy and she knows she's treating you like a doormat. Who doesn't even say thanks!
If you want non-confrontational, you could go with 'sorry, not this time, hope you get sorted'
That's neutral but you can read into that what you will, so if she knows, she knows, but you're not saying anything remotely door slamming, or calling her out (though she deserves that)

You sound like a really good person. Your “friend” is not your friend. You need to get confident in saying the phrase “why don’t you sod off”. Honestly you’re much better than this. Don’t let her take the piss out of you

What happened? I was the same. A few ‘friends’ only contacted me when they needed cakes or donations.
I cut them out of my life and feel so much better for it.
Good luck!

I'd just be straight. None of this 'meet up for a coffee'. Why would you want to meet up for a coffee with someone like this anyway?

'It's interesting that you only contact me when you need something. There wasn't even a thank you for the last event I worked with no pay. It's a no from me'.

Why did nothing get said by you regarding payment for the work you did before you did it? You should have asked exactly what work and time was entailed, if you would be paid by hour or lump sum and also about payment for your petrol - if she did not mention it first. Maybe she just thought you enjoyed helping her? Never work or do jobs for friends as they do not expect to pay - same with having them to stay.

Hi friend, I won't be able to help you out with this event. I'm focusing on prioritising myself at the moment. I've spent so much time lately helping others out it's become a bit soul-destroying. Good luck, I hope it goes well.

Have you messaged, yet?

How about, Sorry I’m all volunteered out! But I could really do with some help with ……..

As tempting as some of these great replies are, silence is very powerful.
Ignore her.
Delete her number.

I wouldn't send any message that refers to the previous event being hard work or that might spark her into trying to talk you round. I'd simply say, 'I'm afraid I'm not free that evening, I hope it goes as well as the last one!' Then repeat every time she asks! She'll soon get the hint.