Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

If you think she isn’t a genuine friend then just reply with I’m not able to help this time.

Say no.. that's it. You don't have to explain yourself

Thank you @MyriadOfTravels this is perfect, yes it’s fun to come up with an uppity response but I need a polite, honest one.

You sound lovely. She sounds like a rude nasty user. Especially making you do all the grunt work while she swans around. I literally wouldn't bother replying. Not even with the energy and I'm usually really anti ghosting. I reckon whatever you say she'll try and manipulate you and it might work

If she asked " can you help?" and didnt mention payment then she was asking you to volunteer to help. At which point it is up to you to say yes if you were happy to, no if you weren't, and "I can't do it for free but if you want to pay me x per hour I will."

The fact that you're referring to her not even giving you a box of chocolates suggests you never discussed being paid so you can't blame her for not doing something she never offered and you never asked for!

Yes she sounds rude, and a user and cheeky fucker, and not a great friend but you have to take some responsibility too. You can't blame people for walking over you if you lie down on the floor in front of them!

I want to know how he’s made the money and how I can too please!

If you need the extra money, just tell her fine, but you will want paying this time. That will flush out how much 'friend' and how much 'CF' she really is.

Say "the last one was a bit too much like hard work for me! Have fun though and let's catch up for coffee afterwards, you can tell me all about it"

100% correct. I've been a complete pushover myself, over the years. No more.

Don't let people walk all over you. They will honestly treat you how you let them. Say no. No one will die. Your!'friends' might disappear. But they're not friends anyway.

Say “honestly it was really hard work and you need paid staff. Hope it goes well.”

If she says she’s stuck tell her you have plans already.

I bet you never hear from her again, and good riddance.

If you could do with the cash, no point in cutting your nose off so maybe something along the lines of "I'm up for making some extra cash right now so if it's a paid gig, I'm in".
If she replies with its unpaid, you've already made your position clear, so a polite, "Sorry I won't be able to help. Hope it goes well". If nearer the time she is stuck for help, she knows the score and will have to offer hard cold cash.

I think if you're broke and would like a bit of money then the first response you highlighted is fine. It sounds a bit more assertive too. The second one leaves you open to being asked time and again to 'volunteer'.

How about sorry I'm a bit short of money at present so need to be looking for some paid work. See if she offers to pay you

Could you change the story?

Forget about her being a friend. Friends don't exploit their friends!!

Treat her as a client if the money would come in handy.

" Hello, hope alls well. I was exhausted after the last one and I couldn't do the same work again for free. If you're looking for paid help, no problem. Just let me know the hours and hourly rate. "

This is an excellent suggestion.

If she balks I'd be tempted to reply "Well, I was surprised to hear from you about (upcoming event) because you didn't thank me for my Xx hours of effort at the last one, so I concluded that my hard work hadn't been appreciated."

Hi 'friend'

The last one wiped me out physically to be honest and I'm also looking to fill my free time with paid work from now on as things are quite tight. Hope you enjoy your event.

I'd get the cf to pay up front if you do ask to be paid and she agrees OP - I wouldn't trust a cf to pay otherwise (she'll use you for one more evening of free work).

There are lots of good suggestions here. Just think about what you want going forward to find the correct one. I know you said you’re in need of money but I’m not sure asking for a paid gig will work out well as business and friends don’t often mix well. Especially given how she’s running a business by using friends as volunteers. Best of luck.

Do you actually want to do it again? If yes I'd say "Glad I was able to help make the last one pop! Happy to come on board for £** an hour this time - consider the last one a successful free trial for you"

I'm unsure why you want to remain friends. A few people have given you some polite answers with the add on about meeting for a coffee afterwards. I guess that will allow you once and for all to establish that she is indeed a CF and has no interest in you as a person and just views you as a commodity.
I suspect you're probably number 1 on her 'available minions' list and she'll be texting numbers 2 and 3 as we speak.
No need for a row, the 'friendship' will wither naturally.
For future reference you might want to work on your self esteem. This was a CF mate. Next time it could be a man and before you know it you've got yourself a cocklodger and you're a free prostitute/housekeeper. If that already sounds familiar look at the Freedom Programme

I'd like to think I'd say something along the lines of "Glad to be of help setting up your venture but now you are up and running you probably need paid staff as it's quite hard work. I'm happy to help out if you let me know your hourly rate of pay as I'm short of cash, as you know. Let's have coffee next week anyway."

First off she’s not a friend, friends don’t treat you like this

Id reply
I’m afraid I’m still recovering from the last one where I felt I was doing the work of several paid staff .
I can’t commit to this again on an unpaid basis but I’d be happy to quote you for it

I got great advice from posters on here a few years ago on how to respond to a CF.
Keep it simple. Don't start with, I'm sorry I can't help. I'm afraid I can't help.
My answer to her was: I won't be able to help out. Hope you get sorted. The end.

Some great advice on here. Let us know how you get on op!