Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

If it's not a charity event, I'd text back asking what the hourly rate is.

If it is a charity event, I 'd text something along the lines of 'I've had to put a limit on the amount of time I volunteer for charity, as I was so exhausted after your last event. Hope it goes well, bur I can't help this time.'

I think mh response would be something like...Hi, I can't help you out this time. As exhausting as it was Im glad i was able to help you out last time but I'm not in a position to do any voluntary work at the minute. Sadly the bills don't pay themselves so I need to prioritise paid work. Hope it goes well and hope to catch up with you soon...

You're too nice,@KalimbaMoon , your message suggests that the OP is willing to help out (aka be used again) in the future. She isn't!

Ignore her

This is a good response

Yeah it’s a nice response but the OP can conveniently be unavailable for these events forever… and the CF will stop asking. Nobody gets upset or has a dramatic falling out - which can cause more stress than it’s worth.

I would leave her hanging.

Don't reply. Make her ask again,

She might reflect.

She might not, and just ask again in which case just say "hi, no unfortunately I won't be able to help again"

I would say
”Hi CF. I’m glad things are going well for you but I won’t be able to help out next time. To be honest I was a little hurt that you didn’t acknowledge my input and hard work the last time.
It would be lovely to see you sometime soon Best of luck with the event.

'Its a bit soon for me after the last time, and I only have so much time to give voluntary work. Will sit this one out, but have a great event!'

This exactly!

Hang on, were you helping unpaid at an event from which she was making money for herself?

FUCK THAT!

I do some volunteering for charitable events, and some lovely friends help me at times, and in return I help them with their various charitable concerns when called on. Never in a billion years would I ask someone for unpaid help with something I was profiting from! WTF?

The suggested replies above are great, but honestly I'd just tell her to get to fuck.

Blimey, so many replies, thanks everyone.. Just to clarify for those who asked it’s not for charity, purely for her business. She’d asked me to help at the previous one (I wasn’t able to) and mentioned paying me so I thought she’d bung me around £20. I didn’t like to ask for an amount up front as I wouldn’t have wanted anything if the event had been a flop, and I didn’t expect to earn as much as minimum wage. It was more the lack of acknowledgment after working really hard at an amazingly successful night for her.
I’m still leaning towards just not replying as 1: silence is powerful, 2: I don’t want to open up a discussion about why I should help next time, and 3: as a pp said she’ll have moved on to doormats 2 and 3 on her list and forgotten me already!

This is one of those great life lesson moments and I’m going to read back over all the replies again to learn from them. Thanks again!

Hang on, she said she'd pay you for the last one?

Your reply: "You still haven't paid me for the last one yet!!"

If you want a really easy reply and not have to address anything, I'd just say "So sorry but I have plans that weekend. Hope the event goes well!"

This will indirectly imply that you have other ways of spending your time and that you value your own time as well.

^ I like this response.
Poor you, OP ! We'd all love you to just tell CF 'friend' to eff off !

@Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia I agree with you that Timeforabiscuit's response is perfect. I just wanted to add that it's really sad you feel worthless. I think it's easy to fall into roles with friends. It might be the one who is always up for going out or the one who is always late. I suspect your friend has got used to you as the reliable person who will always help her out. However, it was really rude not to send a thank you (and some flowers).

You are not a worthless person at all. People like you are the cogs that keep things moving in terms of friendships and volunteering.

Personally, I don't think silence is particularly powerful for CF's like her, you need to be sensitive to pick up on the vibes. Tell her you don't want to do it, I would!

Personally, I don't think silence is particularly powerful for CF's like her, you need to be sensitive to pick up on the vibes

Excellent point, well made, @HamBone

Yeah - I’d go

’Did my cheque get lost in the post after the last event?’ I don’t remember agreeing to working for nothing - after all it’s illegal not to pay workers , assume this is an oversight?

She won’t be able to block you quick enough.

It’s not a proper friendship because she’s a taker.

Personally, I wouldn’t even oblige her with a response after the way she used you without even a thank you.

It’s actually quite liberating to take control and dump people like this.

OP bless you, you seem like a great friend and I'm sorry this has been so shit for you.

Personally for what it's worth, I would not choose silence this time. You want a friendship so this is a good time to use your words to communicate to your CF "friend" how you feel. Her response doesn't matter really, as long as you have said your piece.

I'd send something like:

"Thanks for the invite to the next event. I'm so chuffed for you that the last one went well but honestly it was hard work - I was achey the next day! I also spent XX on petrol. Are you able to cover those petrol costs plus pay me a bit for my time, given the night went great? If you can pay then I'd be happy to work the next one too, to support you. Your friendship means a lot to me but I'd like some reassurance that you value my friendship too. I know you're busy but I felt sad not to get a thank you text at least after last time. Maybe let's get a coffee and have a catch up that's not all work?"

Best of luck and all good things to you! Hope that some really good friendships are just around the corner for you.

Haha! You're joking aren't you?! I'm still getting over the last one!

She does need to know she’s a cf but without a confrontation. I think just spell out the reality without comment - hi df, really lovely to hear from you. Great that you’ve got another big job - but can I just check, are you wanting me to work for free again or is this paid work?

im sure she’ll offer something just to jot look like an egregious cunt - but if not, respond with ‘ah sorry, I’m really broke at the minute [no further explanation] but I hope it goes really well, sure it’ll be a great success”

WinterDeWinter · Today 00:01

I think that's a very good approach.

And am I the only one thinking that, in the even that the OP declines, CF will be going down the emotional blackmail route?

"Oh, you've ruined it for me! I can't manage on my own and having to pay a pro cost me oodles!" ?

If she was supposed to pay you for last time and still hasn’t then I change my response!

Lead with that. “I haven’t received my payment for last time yet. Here’s my bank details. Once I’ve received that, then I’ll let you know if I will be able to work your next event. Can you also please confirm that next time I will be paid within 24 hours of the end of the event, as then you will know how many hours to pay me for”.