Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

I don't understand why you don't expect even minimum wage. These aren't events she is doing for charity, she's doing them for her own profit. It would have been fine to have said before the previous event, "if you need workers, I can help for x per hour." You're basically taking money from your pocket and giving it to her if you work for free.

THIS ^

You have somehow accidentally turned yourself into a doormat, by trying to be nice.

Make it stop. Now.

"Hi CF
Wow, haven't heard from you since you last asked me to help you out.

I don't usually work for commercial events for no pay, & having worked very hard for your last one, was surprised to have worked for no thanks.

I have no interest in making money for ungrateful users, so don't ask me again."

This is the best response, although your own idea of silence may be better and easier to stick to. Whatever you decide, please avoid saying
“sorry “ as you haven’t done anything to be sorry for,
avoid “unfortunately “ as it’s not,
avoid “I’d love to “ as you wouldn’t
avoid “I’m afraid “ as you shouldn’t be,
avoid any other type of apology or excuse as you are not the one in the wrong here and mustn’t feel bad for not obliging. A simple “no”, “no thanks and don’t ask me again “ or “I’m still awaiting payment for the last event” will do.

the old saying “fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!” applies here

It's business. Whether the event was a flop or not, a business owner needs to cover overhead, including labour. It's not your responsibility to ameliorate their issues to your own detriment.
Ask yourself why you are so ready to subjugate your own best interests.

Good luck; let us know what happens.

‘Having reflected on last time, I estimate it cost me £xxx to support your event. Are you in a position to compensate me for my costs? This will inform my decision regarding any future events you are planning. Glad to provide my bank details for payment owed to date.’

Remember to second guess her response to whatever you do say. So that you feel prepared.
My guess is she will either not reply at all OR she will start emotionally blackmailing / guilt tripping you. So get ready to be strong and stand your ground.
Well done on your self awareness OP!

Given she said she would pay you for the last one, how about, ‘Hi Mavis, you still haven’t paid me for the last event, so you’re going to have to do that before I think about doing any more. Given the nature of the event and how hard I had to work, £18 an hour seems fair. Let me know how you want to proceed.’

"I can't volunteer this time, but if you're struggling I'm happy to donate £30 to help you out".

Should do the trick and turn the tables nicely.

"I'm sorry, I can't help this time, last time was a huge amount of work for me and I didn't even get a thank you afterwards."

If you don't care about remaining friends then just send this. She should be called out on her rudeness and I wouldn't want to maintain a friendship with someone who uses me for personal gain.

Sorry I won't be able to. I can't afford to work for free anymore.

I wouldn't mention the money, but I'd delay replying then say it was a lot for me last time so I'm sorry I can't help. I'd add I hope it goes well!

A very close friend of mine is pretty good with advice about jobs. I had a potential job coming up and asked her to review my cv to send over that day. She replied she could do it in a weeks time due to her workload. It really wouldn't have taken any time at all and I've done it countless times myself but I can see she was just putting boundaries in place with all her friends. I'm still close to her but I never ever ask her such things. I guess I'm saying it doesn't need to be the end of your friendship if you say no.

I was all ready to say message her back 'you've not paid me for the last one lol' but to be honest it will just open up opportunity to try and get you to do this one. I think no response is best, you are not losing anything friendship wise if she only contacts you when she wants something it sounds like its her loss though i bet you are a wonderful friend to have!

If you ignore her, she will chase you or ask again. People like this have more front than Sainsbury’s. I’d ignore the request. After all, she ignored the offer to pay you.

‘So glad you contacted me. I had forgotten you hadn’t paid me for the last event. I worked x number of hours. Even at minimum wage of £9.50 an hour, you owe me £y. I can pass on my bank details or would you rather drop the cash round?’

THIS

Whatever you decide, please avoid saying
“sorry “ as you haven’t done anything to be sorry for,
avoid “unfortunately “ as it’s not,
avoid “I’d love to “ as you wouldn’t
avoid “I’m afraid “ as you shouldn’t be,
avoid any other type of apology or excuse as you are not the one in the wrong here and mustn’t feel bad for not obliging. A simple “no”, “no thanks and don’t ask me again “ or “I’m still awaiting payment for the last event” will do.

the old saying “fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!” applies here

Too, much like hard work to do it for nothing. Pleased the last one was a success for you but I’m still recovering from it, so you’ll need to get paid staff for this one.

What about combining various aspects of the above and adding that you expect a thank you - “so glad last event was such a success! Pleased for you. sorry I can’t again, I’m still wiped from the previous event but I wouldn’t say no to a thank you lunch! 😉”

I think that’s a good mix of clear, non inflammatory and assertive without creating a huge drama you don’t need in your life

Just say no; you haven't paid me yet for the last event. Here's my bank details so you can pay me, as we agreed. Hope it goes well.

I've had one of those life lesson moments with a few friends in the past.

It's tough

But once the realisation dawned on me that I was convenient rather than important my life changed. I now have a wide variety of good friends and they are equal friends. They are there for me as much as me them.

I usually went with the not contacting them and of course they didn't contact me.

One (who was my closest friend for a decade) then contacted me out of the blue and I went for the silence.

There are people out there who deserve you and you'll find them.

These ‘I’d love to help but…’ replies are terrible. It sounds like you’d HATE to help, so don’t say that.

I’d either say nothing, which it sounds like you’re leaning towards, or say,

‘No I can’t help, but good luck with it.’

if you want to be courteous. Friend is a massive CF so no wonder you’re pissed off.

I would mention the money, why be embarrassed about it she said she would pay. "Still waiting for payment from last event, before I commit to another " The smile is passive aggressive. Send that and see what happens.

I’m still leaning towards just not replying as 1: silence is powerful

Er.... no, it's just passive aggressive.

Just talk to the woman and explain why you're pissed off!

Oh hi friend. Funnily enough I was just wondering again, if you were ok, as I hadn’t heard from you at all after the last event. It looked as if it was really successful for you. Thanks for thinking of me but to be honest, it was such hard work last time and glad as I am that I contributed to your success, I have been really sad and disappointed that you didn’t appreciate my efforts. So no surprise that I’m not up for putting myself in that position again. Hope you can find somebody else.

Is it an MLM 'business'? Its an MLM isn't it? This is their MO.

Please stop calling yourself a mug - i think you sound lovely and i don't think that there is anything mug like about helping a friend out. I would've done in your shoes as well (and i wouldn't think of myself as a mug).

The person at fault is your friend taking advantage of you. Now that you realise that, you can change your narrative with this friend. But don't change yourself and your willingness to help someone just because one person didn't appreciate your efforts x

This.

Payment, unless it is part of the agreement, is something you can't expect (though a discreet envelope (with say £20) and a note saying 'Thank you so much for all your help. Please have this to cover your petrol etc" would be nice. However not to get you a bunch of flowers, bottle of wine, box of chocolates as a "thank you" is appalling.

She may genuinely feel that you would be embarrassed to be offered cash, but no-one is embarrassed to accept a small gift of appreciation.