Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

Just to clarify, was the previous event raising money for charity, or was it a business venture, making money for her?

If it’s for charity, and it’s one you are happy to support, then it would be perfectly legitimate to say that you would need your travel expenses covered. But that’s only if you actually want to give the time and effort, of course. You are under no obligation to help, even if she is your longest-standing friend in the whole world.

If it was a business venture, you just gave her several hours’ labour for nothing, and she is an arch CF who needs a hard No.

Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement

No my dear, I won't do that.
Your CF does not deserve a gracious reply.
I appreciate that you don;t feel up to a disagreement right now, but it;s not anything you need to fear - this woman is not your friend, & pushing her out of your life will be in your best interests.

So either send nothing, & just freeze her out/block her, or send:
"Hi CF
Wow, haven't heard from you since you last asked me to help you out.
I don't usually work for commercial events for no pay, & having worked very hard for your last one, was surprised to have worked for no thanks.
I have no interest in making money for ungrateful users, so don't ask me again."

I like @NoSquirrels message.

"Nope. Shan't.😌"

Nice and straight to the point.

Just say - would love to but I am busy.

This! Do not feel beholden to others asking for cheeky favours. You are your own person...choose how to spend your time, even if that includes time to yourself

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

Please don't offer to work if she pays you. She'll probably agree and then not pay you, and bad mouth you for asking for money for volunteering at a charity event.

Just no sorry I can't is better.

This! It’s perfect.

@Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia I truly hope you find your inner adversary to CFs. Be bold, be strong...believe in you.

Or

I wondered when I would hear from you again 😁 should have known it would be for another event 🤷‍♀️

This is perfect

The easiest way I guess is to say yes but my rates are x per hour and the wages paid in advance so she has to pay you so you will be at the event

This.
@Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia Absolutely do NOT work for this absolute USER.
Charge her for your time.
Sounds like it was a physical job?
Nope.

Please don’t feel worthless. You clearly are a good person xx

are these charity events or money she is earning for herself?

I wouldn't bother mentioning payment or feeling under-appreciated.

My response would be: No, thanks, it was exhausting last time, and I didn't really enjoy it. Hope this one is another success.

If she says something along the lines of "it won't be so much work this time, etc.," just keep say no.

I think this is a great suggestion. Not at all aggressive, but makes the point about how it's left you feeling. Sorry you're having a hard time, OP. It sucks to feel taken advantage of

"Sorry, as you know I'm really cash-strapped, so I'm going to have to work for someone who will pay me for my work next week"

fb.watch/jjmsvRaeLc/

This reminds me of Amanda and Anne in Motherland. Time to stand up for yourself!

Just say NO.

I like this one. She needs to know that's she's a CF and this tells her that politely.

Don't say sorry or unfortunately or any other apology. You're not sorry, this is a conscious choice to stop her taking the piss out of you!

Hi CF, I'm not in a position to help at future events without being paid. I hope it goes well, I appreciate how much hard work is needed!

Kind regards,
Ex doormat

My response would be along the lines of I am no longer working for free so my rates are ?? per hour. If she does not respond you know you have been taken for a mug. She is not a friend, just a user.

Hi CF, things are really hectic for the next couple of weeks so I won’t be able to help out this time. Hope it goes really well, sure you’ll be great! I’ll be in touch soon and we can have a coffee and catch-up 😊

@Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia

great username.

do let us know how she responds 😉