Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Money - I earn the least but I'm paying the most!

242 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 21:26

I really hate money stuff!

Both my exH and current OH are high earners. 100k plus probably. I'm earning 20-25k a year, trying to set up my own business as well as my current part time job so I'm trying really hard to increase my income, but it's a slow process.

ExH and I share 2 kids, they are with us 50/50 each. ExH currently pays maintenance but that will stop (should have stopped a while ago as we have been 50/50 for a while now) and he still owes me a relatively large sum of money as part of our financial settlement that is payable when he has been cohabiting with a new partner for 6 months, which he has.

However he is currently claiming that he doesn't have the money to pay for school trips that DS2 has been booked onto for a while. We are now behind in the payments, and although we haven't been chased for money yet, it can't be far off. I am planning to make payments simply to keep up so we don't have a massive lump sum in a few weeks/months time, but it's really unfair that it's come to this, and he's not engaging in a discussion about how to manage it.

OH doesn't pay anything towards the kids, apart from the fact that we each put money into the joint account each month for bills including food, so he does pay for them in that respect, but for presents, clothes etc, that's all me. OH has moved into our house and rents his out which adds to his monthly income, so whilst he is rolling in it and buying all sorts of new stuff, I'm literally making cash envelopes and once the money is gone I have nothing left to spend. The problem is this has been the status quo for a while so trying to broach it now will be hard, and I don't even know what is fair or what I should try and ask for to try and make it fairer.

I'm just pissed off that I feel that I'm the least well off here and having to take responsibility for it all. I'm such a stupidly stubborn and proud person that I feel the answer should be for me to work and earn more, but the fact that they both earn so much more already makes me feel quite disrespected.

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 06/03/2023 21:42

So your DP is living with you rent free and so is able to rent his own place out? That's nice for him!

You'd be better off as a single mum; then you'd probably be able to claim UC top ups on your current salary.

I am always of the opinion that if you live together, all incomes should be pooled and
shared with both parties having full access. Otherwise you're just flatmates that have sex - not partners.

passtheolives · 06/03/2023 21:53

I think your issue is picking utter twats as partners tbh

So I’d address that issue

Dotcheck · 06/03/2023 21:56

Your partner isn’t paying rent?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
Badbudgeter · 06/03/2023 21:57

I’d agree with others that your new partner seems like a bad idea. Out he goes you can claim UC. Have your ex pay what he owes do you think the poverty pleading is to stop you asking?

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 21:58

THisbackwithavengeance · 06/03/2023 21:42

So your DP is living with you rent free and so is able to rent his own place out? That's nice for him!

You'd be better off as a single mum; then you'd probably be able to claim UC top ups on your current salary.

I am always of the opinion that if you live together, all incomes should be pooled and
shared with both parties having full access. Otherwise you're just flatmates that have sex - not partners.

We don't even have sex that often as I'm too bloody stressed about money!!

OP posts:
TwigTheWonderKid · 06/03/2023 21:58

If his in one is three times higher than your then he should be paying the same proportion in bills.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 21:58

Dotcheck · 06/03/2023 21:56

Your partner isn’t paying rent?

No...

It's sadly only in retrospect I can see how bad an idea that was.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 06/03/2023 22:01

passtheolives · 06/03/2023 21:53

I think your issue is picking utter twats as partners tbh

So I’d address that issue

This.

Although i dont think your oh should be paying for your ex’s children either. But he shouldnt be costing you money.

do you own the house?

how ling have you been with oh?

Kay286 · 06/03/2023 22:07

Oh my goodness you absolutely need to get him to start paying rent ! This is awful for you and I cannot believe he would earn that much money and allow you to feel skint !

I think once you share a home then finances should be joint. Regardless if they are not his biological children , if he is in a relationship with you he’s taken on your Kids too and now needs to start helping towards ALL expenses !

I’ve been with my now husband for 17 years , he took on my 3 year when we got together and has never once questioned paying anything towards her (we have our own child too) he is a high earner - our money is completely pooled and he will be paying for her university fees this year (her deadbeat dad certainly won’t !) he will not bat an eyelid at this and it’s how it’s always been ! He got with me he took on everything you don’t get to pick and choose ‘

sleepwouldbenice · 06/03/2023 22:08

You pay for school trips from the excess 50/50 money
You tell ex to move to new arrangement and settle the lump sum he owes you
You tell new partner to pay rent or leave

Who does all the life admin for kids and household tasks?

MunchMunch · 06/03/2023 22:10

You're going to have to tell him he needs to pay towards the rent as you can't afford everything on your salary while he rakes it in. I'd also make the point of saying you don't expect him to subsidise paying for your dc before he try's to bring up the "I pay towards shopping that your dc eat" etc because I can imagine that would come up.

As for exh tell him that how does he expect you to be able to afford to pay for dc if you're on a quarter of his salary. And no your new dp won't help you out because he's not their dad so it's not his responsibility.

Unfortunately you're going to have to be upfront and tell them straight.

PermanentTemporary · 06/03/2023 22:13

Of course he should be paying rent, or buying part of your house if you want to go that far (I wouldn't tbh).

I've no doubt that you'd like him to just say 'hmm obviously I should be paying you rent, shall we say £800 a month babe, seems to be the going rate round here'. Honestly, there are people out there who would do that.

However, it is actually ok to stand up for yourself. To say 'we need to revisit the finances. What rent do you think it would be fair for you to pay?' and to start negotiating.

Aria2015 · 06/03/2023 22:16

You need to get your partner to contribute towards rent / mortgage. He's MAKING money off living with you! It's outrageous!

gamerchick · 06/03/2023 22:17

You need to tell your bloke you can't afford to have him live with you, so he needs to pay in more or he'll have to move out.

I'm all for being proud and independent but you can't let people take the piss.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 22:20

So before OH and I go together I was claiming tax credits, which I lost when he moved in. He pays the higher rate child tax credit thing so at least I don't lose out on that, but yes I am probably worse off financially since we have been together.

We've been together 5 years. I own my house outright thanks to a large sum of inheritance. So I come from a wealthy family, but I do work hard. Not full time, because on the days I have the kids I need to do the school runs etc and OH works full time so can't do it, but I am trying to increase my hours and set up my own business.

I wouldn't want him to have any ownership of the house.

I don't expect him to pay for my kids either but he and my older child both love football and during the world cup they went out and bought a poster together (which we all enjoyed looking at/using to fill in the scores) and he made my DS pay the £5 for it. That makes me more sad than anything. He has never given them pocket money or anything. It all falls to me.

I've had to take a chunk out of my savings today to pay for the school meals/trips/cooking etc that we are overdue on.

I agree about revisiting the finances with OH, and exH whilst I'm at it.

For whoever suggested spending the child maintenance on the school stuff, that money does already go to them to pay for clothes etc and for their savings. ExH will never get his act together with money so I'm trying to make sure they have got some money towards a car/house/uni etc when they are older. I can redirect to the school payments for now rather than to their savings though as that is more pressing ATM.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 22:21

Aria2015 · 06/03/2023 22:16

You need to get your partner to contribute towards rent / mortgage. He's MAKING money off living with you! It's outrageous!

I know. About £1800 a month!

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 22:23

Who does all the life admin for kids and household tasks?

@sleepwouldbenice surely you can guess the answer to this!

I feel like I have to take responsibility for it all, otherwise it wouldn't get done. I don't want my kids to suffer because their dad is a bit useless. That's not their fault.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 06/03/2023 22:26

What a bastard getting your kid to pay the £5.

i would seriously reconsider this relationship

PaigeMatthews · 06/03/2023 22:26

DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 22:21

I know. About £1800 a month!

Show quote history

He is making £1800 from living with you. He charged your son £5 for a poster they shared. For that alone he would be out the door.

dotdotdotdash · 06/03/2023 22:27

What are your current partner's plus points? Because I'm not seeing any...

SheilaFentiman · 06/03/2023 22:28

He can only make that £1800 because he is living with you. How about he splits it with you?

dotdotdotdash · 06/03/2023 22:29

Why don't you tell him you need him to move out as you have to get a lodger to make ends meet. Maybe he'll take the hint! If not, you have to stand up to him and say, these are the terms, free ride is over. If he doesn't like that, you know what to do!

Foronenightonly22 · 06/03/2023 22:40

“he made my DS pay the £5 for it.“

Wow - nasty.

pastaandpesto · 06/03/2023 22:43

Oh my goodness, OP, your new partner is taking the absolute and utter piss. His behaviour is so outrageous that he MUST be fully aware of it, which makes it even worse. I'm incensed on your behalf, and on behalf of your children. Please, please get rid of him, he is setting a terrible example to your children. A six-figure earner charging a child a fiver for a poster? Surely you must see how bad this is?

JetBlackSteed · 06/03/2023 22:47

Wow, a fiver of a kid. That's really low.
you can do better on your own.

Swipe left for the next trending thread