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Original poster

Money - I earn the least but I'm paying the most!

242 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 21:26

I really hate money stuff!

Both my exH and current OH are high earners. 100k plus probably. I'm earning 20-25k a year, trying to set up my own business as well as my current part time job so I'm trying really hard to increase my income, but it's a slow process.

ExH and I share 2 kids, they are with us 50/50 each. ExH currently pays maintenance but that will stop (should have stopped a while ago as we have been 50/50 for a while now) and he still owes me a relatively large sum of money as part of our financial settlement that is payable when he has been cohabiting with a new partner for 6 months, which he has.

However he is currently claiming that he doesn't have the money to pay for school trips that DS2 has been booked onto for a while. We are now behind in the payments, and although we haven't been chased for money yet, it can't be far off. I am planning to make payments simply to keep up so we don't have a massive lump sum in a few weeks/months time, but it's really unfair that it's come to this, and he's not engaging in a discussion about how to manage it.

OH doesn't pay anything towards the kids, apart from the fact that we each put money into the joint account each month for bills including food, so he does pay for them in that respect, but for presents, clothes etc, that's all me. OH has moved into our house and rents his out which adds to his monthly income, so whilst he is rolling in it and buying all sorts of new stuff, I'm literally making cash envelopes and once the money is gone I have nothing left to spend. The problem is this has been the status quo for a while so trying to broach it now will be hard, and I don't even know what is fair or what I should try and ask for to try and make it fairer.

I'm just pissed off that I feel that I'm the least well off here and having to take responsibility for it all. I'm such a stupidly stubborn and proud person that I feel the answer should be for me to work and earn more, but the fact that they both earn so much more already makes me feel quite disrespected.

OP posts:
Bogofftosomewherehot · 07/03/2023 09:36

@DietCokeAddict19
"He absolutely wouldn't help fund their uni costs. He has already told me that. That's on me too. And their Dad (who won't have any money because he's useless with it)."

It's not his place to help put your kids through uni, but, with him earning such a high salary and living with you it means that your kids will get minimum maintenance loans and you will either have to help them financially or they'll have to go to cheaper cities and work their way through uni. How can you do that with 3 kids?

Clymene · 07/03/2023 09:40

You're actively disadvantaging your children by living with a high earning cock lodger.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 09:47

Bogofftosomewherehot · 07/03/2023 09:36

@DietCokeAddict19
"He absolutely wouldn't help fund their uni costs. He has already told me that. That's on me too. And their Dad (who won't have any money because he's useless with it)."

It's not his place to help put your kids through uni, but, with him earning such a high salary and living with you it means that your kids will get minimum maintenance loans and you will either have to help them financially or they'll have to go to cheaper cities and work their way through uni. How can you do that with 3 kids?

I can't. I mean I'm trying to save money for them now, but it won't be enough to pay for all of them to get through uni. The plan was to move once the youngest finishes school, but that is also likely to mean that they couldn't stay living at home during uni if they wanted to - we live in a big city with 2 unis and close to a few others so they could quite easily live at home not that they would want to but moving to somewhere much more remote means that choice is taken away. And I think OH feels that because he left home at 18 then my kids will too, and I don't want them to feel pressure to leave.

Ugh it's all so messy and I used to think we were on the same page about things, but really I'm beginning to see we aren't at all.

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Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 09:51

Clymene · 07/03/2023 09:40

You're actively disadvantaging your children by living with a high earning cock lodger.

I'm starting to see that now.

He's also got upset when I have worked more - I used to do a lot of online work to top up my income - he has said that it's taken time away from our relationship when I work in the evenings.

He has been very supportive of me setting up my own business though so maybe I'm being a bit unfair.

OP posts:
OkImListening · 07/03/2023 09:54

Hi OP, sorry to read about your current situation, which sounds difficult. If I were you, I'd say you've been worried about money for a while and was worried about broaching it with him so you thought you'd ask what MumsNetters thought before you spoke to him about it.... then hand him the phone so that he can read all the comments!

SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 09:57

DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 09:51

I'm starting to see that now.

He's also got upset when I have worked more - I used to do a lot of online work to top up my income - he has said that it's taken time away from our relationship when I work in the evenings.

He has been very supportive of me setting up my own business though so maybe I'm being a bit unfair.

Show quote history

Hmmm. I think he has so
much money that he doesn’t realise money is an issue, IYSWIM!

Mirabai · 07/03/2023 10:01

The problem with charging rent is that it could potentially open the door to him establishing a beneficial interest in the property.

I most certainly would not marry him in your circumstance - you could end up losing half your house.

What kind of pension do you have? If he doesn’t want you to work in the evenings - is he prepared to pay into a joint pension to compensate? Otherwise crack on.

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2023 10:03

Op

it is ok to put your line in the sand with this guy and if you put it in and he doesn’t help then you know where you stand.

It is very very rude of him to expect to live life rent free especially as he is getting £1800 a month alone from rent.

Please tell him that you can no longer continue this arrangement as you feel it is unfair on you.

It is paramount that you approach the CSA about your ex husband and make sure he pays what he owes

These men are both relying on you being a pushover

Are your kids at a private school? Only you mention the cost of trips etc

can I ask what you intend to do?

Pearlygates · 07/03/2023 10:06

And then you come and post about it on mumsnet. What do you want us to tell you that you don't already know?

Clymene · 07/03/2023 10:06

You're living with a man who earns FOUR TIMES what you do and has rental income on top and you're worrying about a bloody school trip.

Could you live with someone and their children and watch them struggle with money and worry about how they're going to make ends meet and not help out? I couldn't.

He's literally watching you suffer and choosing not to do anything about it.

skyeisthelimit · 07/03/2023 10:09

If you have no rent or mortgage costs then I don't think it is fair to charge him rent to live there. As long as he is covering his share of the bills then you should be better off. However, if you lost UC because he moved in, then that is a different situation and he needs to be paying you enough to cover that, or you are worse off with him living there.

I can also see that he does not want to pay for your DC when they have 2 parents to provide for them, however some step parents do take on full responsibility regardless of that. If he is paying half the bills then he is already covering some of the costs of your DC.

I would not want him to be able to claim on your house in any way at all, so don't let him pay for repairs or anything like that.

Also, you say about saving for the future, but you can only afford to do that if you have excess money now. You cannot put money away while struggling, it does not make sense.

Don't marry him though, or if you do, then take legal advice on protecting the house if you can.

Whichwhatnow · 07/03/2023 10:09

OP rather than framing it as 'rent' (which could feel a bit uncomfortable as you have no rent or mortgage to pay) or contributing to the kids (as they aren't his) I would look at it as - he is profiting from being able to rent his place out while living with you, so that profit should be split between you.

I think that's absolutely fair and am honestly surprised he hasn't already offered tbh.

soboredoflooking · 07/03/2023 10:13

I've read this so many times on here and it's disgusting that anyone would know their partner is struggling (while they rolling in it) and do nothing.

So he earns a fortune and he's a stingy git. I don't see that ever changing. U just get some people like that! He will never see it as our money it will always be his. I bet he would never agree to a proper joint account and then u both take some spending money. U say ur ex was the same, I don't know how u didn't see this earlier on in the relationship.

Yes u shld ofcourse pay for all the kids stuff. It's way more than that though that's the problem.

When I first got with my now dh he was a student and I was working full time. So I knew he didn't have a lot of money spare. I'd buy him things and often pick up the bill for takeaways, meals etc. It's just what u do when ur the higher earner. U don't want to see ur partner struggle for money.

U wld be way better off financially without him. Time for a serious talk.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 07/03/2023 10:15

I would honestly say that living together is not working. He is letting you struggle whilst taking advantage of your home. If he moves out you can claim your council tax discount, possibly claim UC top up & you will not be feeding another adult. You will also get some time back when you can work without being nagged.

Still date if you wish. But look to the future for your kids. As mentioned above they will be penalised financially at Uni if he is living with you.

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2023 10:16

And yes what a pp said he is clearly a stingy type and likely to remain that way!!!

does he know you are struggling financially?

living with you this guy must be absolutely raking it in compared to if he was living alone!

you need to have a Frank conversation as on this topic it is worth him dying on his sword as imo that’s what he will do to keep his money

or he might come back with a measly offer after he has realised how lucky he has it.

Demand an extra £500 a month at least!!

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2023 10:17

Please tell me he pays for food? Which is super expensive these days

Crispymandm · 07/03/2023 10:19

I would bring up to him that as you’re engaged you expect you and him to be a team, financially/ with housework and bringing up the children as you come as a package. You and the children shouldn’t be expected to live scraping by while he spends on himself and takes off you dc for small items. I would ask him how he intends to show you how much he wants to be part of the family, regarding how well you are taken care off. I find his greed repulsive if I’m honest. To not get children you live with gifts on birthday or Christmas is mind blowing to me.

Deathbyfluffy · 07/03/2023 10:23

I never understand people that can move in with a partner and not contribute - it just wouldn't sit well with me.
When my wife and I started living together we split things accordingly - and as I'm a higher earner I pay 2/3 of most large house renovation / DIY projects.

Freeloading is a personal bugbear of mine!

amiold · 07/03/2023 10:28

I'm on the fence here.

You've been getting money off your ex which you shouldn't have been. (Probably why he won't pay for trips)

Your new partner pays half the bills including half the shopping - should only really be 1/4.

You want to charge him rent while he is paying half of the bills but he'll never benefit from your house.

You have no mortgage.

You earn £1800 plus child benefit. Plus half of your bills paid (for your kids too). Plus child maintenance (which you receive when you shouldn't and your new partner still pays For half their food).

I honestly think you have it good op

Clymene · 07/03/2023 10:28

Overheads in a home aren't just bills. There's ongoing maintenance costs, wear and tear on furnishings and fittings too.

He's a cock lodger.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 10:32

Pearlygates · 07/03/2023 10:06

And then you come and post about it on mumsnet. What do you want us to tell you that you don't already know?

I think I have lost all perspective as to what is fair. I lived with my ExH for 12 years and he was a manipulator and used to gaslight me and I believed everything he said. I managed to get out of that relationship and walked out of the house that I had mostly paid for because he refused to leave. He literally moved into a house that I owned with binbags, and now he sits pretty in a house that's worth almost a million pounds and tells me he can't pay £10 for fucking cooking lessons.

I thought OH was different, but it seems he isn't, he is willing to let me suffer financially as he opens bank account after bank account with high interest rates and tells me about them!

I'm here because I don't know what is normal. And there is a fair amount of differing opinions on this thread as to whether what we have in place is fair or not. So even then there doesn't seem to be a consensus.

I'm here because I don't want to lose what I have, again.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 07/03/2023 10:34

Who oh why is your ex sitting in a one million pound property that you paid for?

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2023 10:34

How on earth did that happen?

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2023 10:34

Has a judge signed off on that?

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 10:37

So with my ex, he moved into a house that I owned outright. I sold that and we bought a house together which had a mortgage. For the remaining years together (about 5) he paid the mortgage and I paid the bills (I was on mat leave for part of that with the kids and only had mat pay). When we split he refused to leave. I wanted out so I left. In the settlement I ended up with the sum of the money that I originally put into the house from the sale of my old house. He kept the house. Which is now worth about a million.

OP posts: