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Original poster

Money - I earn the least but I'm paying the most!

242 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 21:26

I really hate money stuff!

Both my exH and current OH are high earners. 100k plus probably. I'm earning 20-25k a year, trying to set up my own business as well as my current part time job so I'm trying really hard to increase my income, but it's a slow process.

ExH and I share 2 kids, they are with us 50/50 each. ExH currently pays maintenance but that will stop (should have stopped a while ago as we have been 50/50 for a while now) and he still owes me a relatively large sum of money as part of our financial settlement that is payable when he has been cohabiting with a new partner for 6 months, which he has.

However he is currently claiming that he doesn't have the money to pay for school trips that DS2 has been booked onto for a while. We are now behind in the payments, and although we haven't been chased for money yet, it can't be far off. I am planning to make payments simply to keep up so we don't have a massive lump sum in a few weeks/months time, but it's really unfair that it's come to this, and he's not engaging in a discussion about how to manage it.

OH doesn't pay anything towards the kids, apart from the fact that we each put money into the joint account each month for bills including food, so he does pay for them in that respect, but for presents, clothes etc, that's all me. OH has moved into our house and rents his out which adds to his monthly income, so whilst he is rolling in it and buying all sorts of new stuff, I'm literally making cash envelopes and once the money is gone I have nothing left to spend. The problem is this has been the status quo for a while so trying to broach it now will be hard, and I don't even know what is fair or what I should try and ask for to try and make it fairer.

I'm just pissed off that I feel that I'm the least well off here and having to take responsibility for it all. I'm such a stupidly stubborn and proud person that I feel the answer should be for me to work and earn more, but the fact that they both earn so much more already makes me feel quite disrespected.

OP posts:
Myalternate · 06/03/2023 22:53

Charge him £1800 p/m rent. He’s really only a tenant with benefits…

Coolblur · 06/03/2023 22:54

I don't agree that you should have full access to each others money as partners, that's something for marriage, and even then only if you're both happy with that arrangement. However you should split bills fairly as you live together. He is renting his house out, you own yours outright. So it's fair he pays you an appropriate amount of rent to live in your home. He doesn't like it, he can go home (and lose his rental income) or rent elsewhere. Household bills should be split in a way that everyone agrees is fair. That doesn't necessarily mean proportionate to your respective earnings, especially as it's not that straightforward with kids involved.
As for your ex, he should share expenses like school trips. He needs to realise that if he can't agree a plan then your DC may not be able to go on the trip.

You need to swallow your pride and talk to both of them. Remember you wont be worse off financially without either of them around so nothing to lose in that respect.

SRS29 · 06/03/2023 23:19

FFS OP grow a pair and just ask him for a fair rent to live with you....or he is a proper cocklodger

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AcrossthePond55 · 06/03/2023 23:25

I don't think your OH should be expected to financially contribute to your children. That's for you and their father to do. The poster thing was chintzy, I admit and paints him as a penny pinching miser.

At any rate, he certainly should be sharing household expenses for the privilege of living in your house! Since your house is paid off there would be no way he could claim he's contributing towards the 'physical' house itself and I wouldn't think that paying half the utilities would entitle him to anything. Council tax and house insurance could be a grey area. See a solicitor. Or better yet, just ask him to move out. Tell him you 'can't afford him anymore'.

Any person worth their salt would not feel right about living with anyone, be it partner, parent, or roomie, and not paying their fair share.

TheMatriarchy · 06/03/2023 23:26

Forget about asking him to pay his way, he clearly knows what he is doing and has justified in his head why you should subsidise him. He's no better than a thief, just get rid of him.

Clymene · 06/03/2023 23:30

What a fucking arsehole making your kid pay for the poster.

Kick the fucker out and spend your savings on good therapy. You deserve better and so do your kids.

PinkFrogss · 06/03/2023 23:36

Did you not discuss rent before he moved in?

You say he pays towards bills - make sure he’s paying a fair and proportionate amount. As you don’t have housing costs I’d ask for a fair amount each month to cover wear and tear etc.

Can you afford to start a business right now? Sounds like you might need a full time job plus breakfast/after school club on your days.

Goawayangryman · 06/03/2023 23:43

Oh my god, what a total pair of tight fisted disgraces these two blokes are. Yeuch.

Do everyone a favour and get rid. Mean with money, mean with love.

Plus, you're going to have to get more serious about money and fairness and getting what you're owed if you're serious about running your own business. It's no place for people who can't assert themselves financially.

Seasider2017 · 06/03/2023 23:49

So is living at yours rent free and thinks because you own it outright that he doesn’t have to pay anything
yes he doessssssss

what sort of person let’s a kids spend his £5
A tight fisted cocklodger,
I defo think a chat is on the cards asap, wether it upsets the apple cart or not
at least you know where you stand long term

Dont be a doormat

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 06/03/2023 23:50

I assume you're paying full council tax now he's living with you? Is he at least paying for his share?

SMabbutt · 06/03/2023 23:55

Your OH either needs to pay rent
If he objects point out that by providing rent free accommodation for him you are enabling him to make money from his house and effectively subsidising him. He should be ashamed not to have thought about this tbh, but he may just be thoughtless. After 5 years of giving him a financial subsidy it's time for him to reciprocate by either paying rent or you all moving in to his house so you can rent yours out on the same terms he has had living in your home. I wonder if he would be as happy for you to live rent free in his property and keep rental income for yourself as he has been the other way round? If he objects to paying rent make the offer to swap living arrangements and see how he reacts. That will tell you if he's a leach or just very blinkered and thoughtless.

JudgeRudy · 06/03/2023 23:58

I can see this from both sides. Your children's father is still giving you money for the children even though you only have them half the week. I'm presuming you still get the CB and you're using his child support and that to pay for things for the children.
Your OH is living with you rent free but he's not living for free. He's contributing half of all the expenses which you would have presumably paid on your own before, minus his little bit extra, so he IS paying towards your children.
Yes he's not paying rent, but you've said you don't want him to have any stake in your house so he's not going to sell his. Yes, he's getting his mortgage paid by the rental income but he's gone from having a home to himself to a 'bedspace' in yours, with you and your kids and you 'in charge'. In many ways your both worse off.
Ultimately where do you see the relationship going? For any sort of balanced family life (ie one unit) you both need a stake in your home. If you don't want to move or let him 'buy in' and you don't wanna move in his or buy a place together I think you're stuck as you are. With no accomodation costs is it such a struggle to manage on £20/25 or is it the inequity that gets to you?
Would it work better if he went back to his place and you were BF & GF?
Your ex needs to come up with a plan for the money he owes you too, but you can't expect him to continue to pay you chold support.
I would though expect my partner to chip in financially with treats, so pay for a holiday, meals out etc ....or more accurately id be disappointed and go off him if he didn't.

Casilero · 06/03/2023 23:59

You need to think of it more that your partner is taking money off your children, since you don't seem to mind him taking it off you. Think of it more in terms that the money he's not paying into the pot is money that could be spent on family days out, holidays, maybe extra curricular stuff for the kids. Maybe you'll care more then? Because (and I really don't mean this nastily) you don't seem to mind that he's ripping you off, so maybe you need to think about how that money he's withholding is affecting your children.

I'm so angry on your behalf. You're too kind, and it seems you've been taken advantage of twice now. Your current partner is the worst though. To pay nothing at all? What an absolute freeloader. You'd be way better off with a lodger. And a vibrator. Can't really see the point of him.

SkaneTos · 07/03/2023 00:02

Are you in love with your DP? He doesn't sound very nice.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 08:54

We currently pay money into a joint account each month - he pays in £100 more than me as I told him I couldn't afford to increase the amount I put in in line with his increase. At the moment half of my monthly wage income goes to the joint account (that's not counting child maintenance and child benefit which is separate), I'd say for him it's about a fifth of his monthly income, probably less if you include the income he gets from his properties as he owns more than 1.

We got engaged but it's me dragging my feet about getting married. With my exH he took me to the cleaners when we split up. I should have fought for more financially, but I had just had enough and wanted it done and agreed to less than what I could have got if I had gone to court about it (so says my solicitor). I'm worried that getting married again puts me more at risk of losing more money that I want to be able to give the kids when they grow up. I guess the recent behaviour over money with OH has really made me doubt his intentions and that he wouldn't completely fleece me too if we were to split up.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 08:56

And re moving into his place - it's about 300 miles away so not really possible on a practical level!

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 09:01

How much rent would you think to be reasonable to ask for?

OP posts:
BMW6 · 07/03/2023 09:08

Well you simply need to tell your fiance that you cannot continue as you have been as its not working financially. He surely sees you as an easy ride, because no decent person would allow such inequity.

He's a cocklodger. Get rid.

Marchmount · 07/03/2023 09:09

So you own the house outright and he pays over half the monthly bills? He is already subsidising your kids and the fact that you chose to work part time. The £5 for the poster was a dick move but I don’t see why if you own your own house and get maintenance from your ex that your new partner should be paying for your kids when they have two parents who can.

You should sort out your finances with your ex and get him to pay what he owes you. You don’t seem able to afford to live your current lifestyle (even though you don’t have housing costs) without your partner so perhaps something to consider longer term.

Badbudgeter · 07/03/2023 09:10

I don’t think I’d term it as rent. Have a look at bills overall and then both of you put it in proportionate to your income I.e If he earns 5 times your wage he pays 5/6 you pay 1/6. If he says unfair point out he is saving a lot on rent / mortgage and you can’t afford to cross sibsidise him any more.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 09:20

Marchmount · 07/03/2023 09:09

So you own the house outright and he pays over half the monthly bills? He is already subsidising your kids and the fact that you chose to work part time. The £5 for the poster was a dick move but I don’t see why if you own your own house and get maintenance from your ex that your new partner should be paying for your kids when they have two parents who can.

You should sort out your finances with your ex and get him to pay what he owes you. You don’t seem able to afford to live your current lifestyle (even though you don’t have housing costs) without your partner so perhaps something to consider longer term.

Perhaps you are right that he is already subsidising the kids if he is paying over half the bills. But surely he makes more out of it than I do if he brings in £1800 a month by renting out his property that he no longer lives in because he lives with me? I don't see any of that money. And with him living with me I'm now worried that if we split up and he has been paying half the bills that he might have some claim to my house when he's got 3 properties that I would have no stake in because he's been living with me and not the other way around.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 09:23

Our longer term plan is to move to the area where he has his properties, but not until the kids leave school, because we can't move them. At that point we would pool some resources and buy together. He plans to keep at least one rental property to fund his/our retirement (he uses the term our, I see it as his as we could split up at any point and I wouldn't see any of that money). So in fact there would still be massive inequity in the amount that got put into our next property as my current one has more equity than all of his. But that's 10 years away.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 07/03/2023 09:25

If your dc go to uni then the amount they can borrow will be limited because it will be based on his income as well. It sounds as if you would be financially better off apart. You could still date if you want to.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 09:26

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 07/03/2023 09:25

If your dc go to uni then the amount they can borrow will be limited because it will be based on his income as well. It sounds as if you would be financially better off apart. You could still date if you want to.

He absolutely wouldn't help fund their uni costs. He has already told me that. That's on me too. And their Dad (who won't have any money because he's useless with it).

OP posts:
alwayscheery · 07/03/2023 09:34

You certainly shouldn't call any money he contributes rent . It is not rent it is a contribution to your increased costs.
When you say he contributes half towards bills. is this council tax gas electric water?
Or council tax, gas, electric water, FOOD insurance, wifi, Netflix etc.

You would save 25% on your council tax living alone, your utilities would be less , your food bill would be lower.

Bear in mind his rental income will be taxed, you should consider his net rental income not the gross figure.

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