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Original poster

Money - I earn the least but I'm paying the most!

242 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 21:26

I really hate money stuff!

Both my exH and current OH are high earners. 100k plus probably. I'm earning 20-25k a year, trying to set up my own business as well as my current part time job so I'm trying really hard to increase my income, but it's a slow process.

ExH and I share 2 kids, they are with us 50/50 each. ExH currently pays maintenance but that will stop (should have stopped a while ago as we have been 50/50 for a while now) and he still owes me a relatively large sum of money as part of our financial settlement that is payable when he has been cohabiting with a new partner for 6 months, which he has.

However he is currently claiming that he doesn't have the money to pay for school trips that DS2 has been booked onto for a while. We are now behind in the payments, and although we haven't been chased for money yet, it can't be far off. I am planning to make payments simply to keep up so we don't have a massive lump sum in a few weeks/months time, but it's really unfair that it's come to this, and he's not engaging in a discussion about how to manage it.

OH doesn't pay anything towards the kids, apart from the fact that we each put money into the joint account each month for bills including food, so he does pay for them in that respect, but for presents, clothes etc, that's all me. OH has moved into our house and rents his out which adds to his monthly income, so whilst he is rolling in it and buying all sorts of new stuff, I'm literally making cash envelopes and once the money is gone I have nothing left to spend. The problem is this has been the status quo for a while so trying to broach it now will be hard, and I don't even know what is fair or what I should try and ask for to try and make it fairer.

I'm just pissed off that I feel that I'm the least well off here and having to take responsibility for it all. I'm such a stupidly stubborn and proud person that I feel the answer should be for me to work and earn more, but the fact that they both earn so much more already makes me feel quite disrespected.

OP posts:

Brightshinylight · 07/03/2023 12:20

passtheolives · 06/03/2023 21:53

I think your issue is picking utter twats as partners tbh

So I’d address that issue

Harsh but fair. This sums up the problem. If your OH lives with you he needs to contribute to the household finances, it is only fair.

Men tend to get tighter with money the more they have & become cocklodgers without any concerns.

Mention to your OH you cannot afford to keep him anymore, either he contributes or moves out.

Clusterfunk · 07/03/2023 12:28

Just as perspective OP; when I moved in with DP in his rental I then rented out my house for a year as a trial to see if we were compatible. Tenant paid enough to just cover my mortgage. I gave half to him, to cover bills and essentially to make sure that we both ended up better off each month by the same amount. I got half my mortgage paid for me, he got the same amount to help him.

It’s called being a partnership.

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 12:36

I'm such a stupidly stubborn and proud person that I feel the answer should be for me to work and earn more, but the fact that they both earn so much more already makes me feel quite disrespected.

This part stands out to me. It reads like you feel entitled to their money because they have more than you and don't see why you should have to earn more to support yourself and your children.

You've been very lucky to have received more CM than you were entitled to and only have to do half the child care. Someone else's money bought/paid-off your current house. I'm wondering if the fact your family has money has made you grow up with the expectation of it automatically being there. Or to be looked after by others? Hence the two wealthy partners and reluctance to work more.

If you are financially worse off by having your current partner live with you, then he needs to move out. If you and your ex cant afford to cover the children's extra curricula expenses, then those activities need to stop. If you and your ex can't afford the school your children are in, then find a cheaper school etc. You need to live within your means. No one else owes you the lifestyle you want.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money

Fearnecuptea · 07/03/2023 12:38

Ok so what are you going to do about it?

Just skimming over this thread, it seems you're agreeing with what everyone is saying but... no action plan? I'm genuinely baffled that you're not doing anything about this

SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 12:45

“Someone else's money bought/paid-off your current house.”

And her XP benefitted from that inheritance too in their divorce settlement. And it seems that her XP could afford to contribute to trips and uni, he just doesn’t want to.

SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 12:46

Oh, and her current partner doesn’t like her working in the evenings cos he misses her.

Mialouu · 07/03/2023 12:48

You are letting someone on £100k live with you rent free whilst you're on a low income struggling. Can't get my head around that.

Haffiana · 07/03/2023 12:55

You are not just PAYING for cock, but your children are paying for that cock for you as well.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but what makes you do this? What do you think you need to prove to these men? That you are so worthless you need to pay them to show what a great girlfriend you are?

How can you actually sleep with someone who is so utterly tight and mean?

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 12:59

SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 12:45

“Someone else's money bought/paid-off your current house.”

And her XP benefitted from that inheritance too in their divorce settlement. And it seems that her XP could afford to contribute to trips and uni, he just doesn’t want to.

You mean the house the ex was and is paying the mortgage on? The one she got her money back from? I imagine she couldn't buy him out because the mortgage was more than she could pay. Dont forget she is due a big lump sum of money soon as part of their financial settlement. And part of the CM she has been receiving she has been putting into savings rather than spending it on the children's expenses (like these trips).

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 13:02

SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 12:46

Oh, and her current partner doesn’t like her working in the evenings cos he misses her.

Dont get me wrong, he's a big shit. But she chose him knowing he didn't want anything to do with her children. He was upfront about that. Yet she still thought he might be a good prospective long-term "partner". She needs to look at herself and ask why. What is it about him that made her think this was worth pursuing.

tara66 · 07/03/2023 13:07

Did DP ever explain why your DS had to pay £5 for the poster? What was the reason? Why did you not demand he give it back? Also his objecting to you working evenings - can he not add 2+ 2 together and come to the conclusion you need more money? What about your old age - you need to think of your own financial future and your children's education as you priorities. I don't think you like him that much either and his attitude of what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine is a big red flag.

whattodo1975 · 07/03/2023 13:15

New partner is definitely taking the piss.

SquishyGloopyBum · 07/03/2023 13:34

I think you need to take advise and get the money from your ex that is your settlement. If he's bad with money, do it sooner rather than later. He can sell the £1million house if necessary...

Viviennemary · 07/03/2023 13:35

Your ex DH shoukd be paying his legally required maintenance. Why have you got involved with snother mean person.

Whyisitsososohard · 07/03/2023 13:43

PaigeMatthews · 06/03/2023 22:26

He is making £1800 from living with you. He charged your son £5 for a poster they shared. For that alone he would be out the door.

Show quote history

Absolutely this. How mean.

Ihadenough22 · 07/03/2023 13:59

You have begun to realise that your current situation does not suit you or your children.
Your ex husband owes you money and wants to give you as little as possible financially.
Then your so called partner is a cock lodger who is happy for you to struggle when he tells you about all his savings accounts. Meanwhile he asked your child to pay him a £5 for a poster. He shown his true colours now and your finally seeing them.

You can't afford to be letting him live in your house and subbing his lifestyle any longer.
If he moved out you may be entitled to UC due to your income and even if you were not you not paying for his food/bills ect.

You have to start thinking about you and your kids long term future. You don't want to lose your current home down the line if you marry this man and it does not work out.
Along with this you need to consider your own long term future as well and how to save for a pension so you won't be in poverty when your older as well.

I think that it time to end things with your partner. He is watching you struggle financially and is not offering you money. He also wants you to move back to his area long term and sell your current house and buy with him. He won't help you then with university costs for your children but if your living with him you won't get help with their university costs. Also in your current area there are a number of university and colleges so your kids could stay at home when they get to that age.

You can't let this man ruin your or your kids long term futures. It's time to end things with him. I would also tell your ex that you want the money he owes you.
Get on to the CMS if you have to and get child maintenance taken from his salary if he is that bad with money and your kids are always last on his list of expenses.

I go on to Martin Lewis website and use the budget plans. See where you can save money re your current expenses. I know you're working PT at the moment and are trying to set up your own business. Perhaps it would be better for you to get a full time job where you know that you have X income a month to live and save on.

Iwouldneversaythisinreallifebut · 07/03/2023 14:02

DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 21:58

No...

It's sadly only in retrospect I can see how bad an idea that was.

Show quote history

This isn’t actually completely straightforward - if the property is in your name and he pays rent (ie towards your mortgage) you could be storing up a problem of him claiming a share of the property if you split.
Get some legal advice before doing anything to change the current position - the fact that he has his own property should make it easier to propose something workable. An hour with a solicitor will be money well spent.

in the meantime agree with the other posters - you have a partner problem. But it is also genuinely problematic being in a relationship with someone when you have DC who aren’t theirs and a home they are moving into - it’s a real no win situation, so don’t beat yourself up about it too much.

To me the main thing is that anyone decent would want to contribute a lot more to the partnership, and would view it as such, if they had the means to do so. Not watch you and the kids struggle while they line their saving account. That’s the kicker - he’s really, really selfish… consider your options.

SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 14:35

“This isn’t actually completely straightforward - if the property is in your name and he pays rent (ie towards your mortgage)”

OP doesn’t have a mortgage

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2023 15:49

I don't see why the DP should be expected to 'subsidize' OP's children OR why he should pay more than his 'fair share' of the household expenses. I wouldn't, even if I made 10x what my partner made.

I'm assuming that the DP is paying half the household expenses, which in a way IS subsidizing OP's DC, since there is one of him and 3 of them (OP+ 2 DC). OP has apparently put herself in a position where she cannot afford to support herself and her DC on what she earns now, so what would she do if DP were to leave and she were to lose what he's paying? She'd have to work more, no? So that's most likely what she needs to do now. Or she needs to ask him to leave so she can claim more benefits to top her income up.

Obvs, she needs to review the household 'outgoings' to be sure her DP is paying his fair share of the 'basics' such as utilities and food. She needs to find out from a solicitor if him paying half the 'house related' bills (council tax, insurance, repairs) would entitle him to any type of interest in the property. If not, he should be paying that too. If so, she needs to see if there's a legal way around that (like a 'quit claim' or a legal tenancy).

Clymene · 07/03/2023 15:57

Christ I can't believe people sticking up for a man who charges a child a fiver for a poster

amiold · 07/03/2023 15:57

Also, does he maybe not want you working night time so he isn't left to watch your kids?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2023 16:19

Clymene · 07/03/2023 15:57

Christ I can't believe people sticking up for a man who charges a child a fiver for a poster

No one is saying he isn't cheap on a 'day to day' basis. That was definitely cheap of him. Some of us are just saying that he shouldn't be expected to subsidize OP and her children on a 'month to month' basis simply because he earns more. He should definitely be expected to 'fund' his own life, including his fair share contribution to the household. OP should be expected to 'fund' hers and her children's, including working more hours if she's having a 'shortfall'. If that's not acceptable to OP, then she needs to tell him to move out so she can claim UC or whatever is available to her.

And I hate to say it, but how many threads have there been where a poster is told that she shouldn't contribute a penny for 'rent' unless her DP puts her on his deeds. That if she contributes she should 'get something back' for it. I can just see the outrage if a female posted that her mortgage free DP expected her to pay 'over the odds' for the household every month AND that he expected her to subsidize his children simply because she out-earned him. We can't have it both ways.

SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 16:26

@AcrossthePond55 except that, by living with OP, the guy can rent out his flat for £1800.

There’s definitely a convo to be had about how/if they combine finances in the future, but it is a bit different to the usual situation.

Daftapath · 07/03/2023 16:36

But, @AcrossthePond55, it is costing the op to have him living in her home. She has lost income because he is there and is paying more in bills with him there.

He doesn't like her working extra hours which would enable her to top up her income.

I can't imagine being in a relationship where my significantly higher earning partner would be happy with them having all the benefits of living together whilst I had all the disadvantages.

amiold · 07/03/2023 16:45