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Original poster

Money - I earn the least but I'm paying the most!

242 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 21:26

I really hate money stuff!

Both my exH and current OH are high earners. 100k plus probably. I'm earning 20-25k a year, trying to set up my own business as well as my current part time job so I'm trying really hard to increase my income, but it's a slow process.

ExH and I share 2 kids, they are with us 50/50 each. ExH currently pays maintenance but that will stop (should have stopped a while ago as we have been 50/50 for a while now) and he still owes me a relatively large sum of money as part of our financial settlement that is payable when he has been cohabiting with a new partner for 6 months, which he has.

However he is currently claiming that he doesn't have the money to pay for school trips that DS2 has been booked onto for a while. We are now behind in the payments, and although we haven't been chased for money yet, it can't be far off. I am planning to make payments simply to keep up so we don't have a massive lump sum in a few weeks/months time, but it's really unfair that it's come to this, and he's not engaging in a discussion about how to manage it.

OH doesn't pay anything towards the kids, apart from the fact that we each put money into the joint account each month for bills including food, so he does pay for them in that respect, but for presents, clothes etc, that's all me. OH has moved into our house and rents his out which adds to his monthly income, so whilst he is rolling in it and buying all sorts of new stuff, I'm literally making cash envelopes and once the money is gone I have nothing left to spend. The problem is this has been the status quo for a while so trying to broach it now will be hard, and I don't even know what is fair or what I should try and ask for to try and make it fairer.

I'm just pissed off that I feel that I'm the least well off here and having to take responsibility for it all. I'm such a stupidly stubborn and proud person that I feel the answer should be for me to work and earn more, but the fact that they both earn so much more already makes me feel quite disrespected.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 10:37

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2023 10:34

Who oh why is your ex sitting in a one million pound property that you paid for?

OP also owns her current home outright, it is possible that they took “one asset each”

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2023 10:41

Op

please don’t marry this man - charging your son the £5 would have been the reality check that brought home how tight he is. Absolutely appalling

you deserve more and better

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 10:43

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2023 10:41

Op

please don’t marry this man - charging your son the £5 would have been the reality check that brought home how tight he is. Absolutely appalling

you deserve more and better

I honestly think it's this that upset me more than anything. I know my DS has his own money, but OH had been talking about how much he enjoyed filling in the posters when he was younger and we all used the poster, so to make DS pay just seemed really unfair.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
FrostyBits · 07/03/2023 10:46

I agree with @amiold

I'm ignoring the bit about what is fair between you as you will get a hundred different answers on what people view as fair so think this has been covered.

If you can't manage in your current situation (earnings, half the bills paid, CB, child maintenance etc) then I think you need to look at your spending. You don't have a mortgage which makes a huge difference and yet you can't manage even when half your bills are paid + cm etc. I don't get it! Maybe you need to park setting up your own business and look for a full time role (and ignore your OH saying he doesn't like you working more, you need to be self sufficient).

Sorry appreciate it's not what you asked but I can see both sides.

FrostyBits · 07/03/2023 10:46

Oh and he was definitely a dick making your son pay £5 for the poster.

Pardon45 · 07/03/2023 10:47

Ditch the fiancé. He is a wanker.

Todoctorornottodoctor · 07/03/2023 10:48

Talk to him and if that doesn't work kick him out

dotdotdotdash · 07/03/2023 10:51

There may not be absolute consensus but the majority on this thread are saying this man is watching you struggle and it is not right!

I know money is tight, but think about counselling to specifically unpick your thoughts around money issues, because as you say, you seem to have gone from one exploitative man to another. And it seems like you are not seeing what is going on in front of you. Please don't even consider marriage at this point.

If you can look at your respective monthly incomes and work out bills and food in proportion to your earnings, sounds like you'd be better off. Why is he paying only just over half? And what about food?

I don't know that you can change this behaviour anyway, especially if he's willing to rip off a child over a football poster. Very sad.

Sleepless1096 · 07/03/2023 10:53

Get rid of your partner and get a paying lodger in.

Tell your ex that, since you can't afford to pay for his share of the school trips, he needs to be the one to tell your DC that they won't be able to go because he can't be arsed to prioritise them financially.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 10:59

FrostyBits · 07/03/2023 10:46

I agree with @amiold

I'm ignoring the bit about what is fair between you as you will get a hundred different answers on what people view as fair so think this has been covered.

If you can't manage in your current situation (earnings, half the bills paid, CB, child maintenance etc) then I think you need to look at your spending. You don't have a mortgage which makes a huge difference and yet you can't manage even when half your bills are paid + cm etc. I don't get it! Maybe you need to park setting up your own business and look for a full time role (and ignore your OH saying he doesn't like you working more, you need to be self sufficient).

Sorry appreciate it's not what you asked but I can see both sides.

I can manage most of the time, but DS is booked to go on 2 school trips this year, which in retrospect was a mistake, but ExH and I both agreed to it and I didn't expect ExH to suddenly say he can't afford it and stop replying to any of my texts about it. He happily paid half for our other DS to go this year so I wasn't expecting the change.

If I'm not paying for the trips I'm doing ok month by month.

OP posts:
Daftapath · 07/03/2023 10:59

Having your fiancé live with you is costing you money (that you cannot afford) whilst he is seeing a huge financial benefit. He also stops you from working extra hours to earn more money.

I cannot believe that he is not aware of your financial struggles and yet is happy to let this continue. This is not the action of someone who cares for you.

Frankly, it's a no brainier. He should move out and I would be reconsidering the relationship, let alone marriage.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/03/2023 11:00

Sadly can't get a paying lodger in as we don't have a spare room.

OP posts:
Wellillsayitifnoonelsewill · 07/03/2023 11:05

PermanentTemporary · 06/03/2023 22:13

Of course he should be paying rent, or buying part of your house if you want to go that far (I wouldn't tbh).

I've no doubt that you'd like him to just say 'hmm obviously I should be paying you rent, shall we say £800 a month babe, seems to be the going rate round here'. Honestly, there are people out there who would do that.

However, it is actually ok to stand up for yourself. To say 'we need to revisit the finances. What rent do you think it would be fair for you to pay?' and to start negotiating.

I wouldn’t either. He sounds like he’s using OP as a proper doormat. I would go so far to say as well that him paying rent would make him try and make things awkward if they split up further down the line cos he sounds like a right stingy twat. I’d just boot him out and have done with it.

user1492757084 · 07/03/2023 11:13

Given that your OH is renting out his place and even if he weren't, it is fair that he pays rent as well as his share of household bills. Have the discussion.
Ask of your EP whether it is fair that his children do not go on camp etc. Give him the total budget of all expenses to do with kids and have him discuss the priority areas and the costs that can be dropped. He should be able to understand your budget restraints/what you earn. He should be more generous to his kids, particularly if you have transparency..

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 07/03/2023 11:20

You are clearly struggling. If someone loves you, they would help in this situation. Just in case your OH doesn't realise you are struggling, is it worth asking him to help just to see what he would do. He would then show his true colours.

MarieRoseMarie · 07/03/2023 11:29

I think you think you are richer than you are. You come from a wealthy family, inherited a house and mostly dated rich men. Exh seems to be paying over what he is required to? That seems to have given you a false sense of your own financial status. You are in a low paying job and your children aren’t even going to get the full loan because of your new boyfriend.

You really need to kick this guy out and stand on your own two feet. I can’t believe an educated woman would jeopardise her children’s ability to go to UNIVERSITY for any man. That’s pretty disgusting tbh.

amiold · 07/03/2023 11:33

Out of Interest how much would you get in universal credit on top of £1800? If you factor in he pays for half the kids food would you not be worse off?

Kittlbua · 07/03/2023 11:37

He's a cocklodger and is lining his own pockets while living with you rent-free.
It's up to you whether you want to tolerate that or not.
He is so mean - the thing about the 5 quid football poster is awful. I know your DS is not his, but I still think it's awful. 5 quid out of a 100k isn't going to break the bank is it?
I would kick him out - he's just so mean.

littlemousebigcheese · 07/03/2023 11:45

I literally have no idea what to say. Your partner is living rent free in your house whilst collecting the rent he's making on his house?! It's madness

JimnJoyce · 07/03/2023 12:11

he needs to not live with you. Its costing you money to have a fiance whilst simultaneously enabling him to line his pockets

Fraaahnces · 07/03/2023 12:12

He should be at least covering what he is locating iI in lost benefits. It’s logical. Work that out and see what he decides to di. (There had better be free and easy offer of back pay.)

MissSmiley · 07/03/2023 12:12

So before OH and I go together I was claiming tax credits, which I lost when he moved in. He pays the higher rate child tax credit thing so at least I don't lose out on that, but yes I am probably worse off financially since we have been together.

How much does he pay to compensate you for the loss of tax credits?

MissSmiley · 07/03/2023 12:13

Fraaahnces · 07/03/2023 12:12

He should be at least covering what he is locating iI in lost benefits. It’s logical. Work that out and see what he decides to di. (There had better be free and easy offer of back pay.)

She says he's paying that

ChildminderMum · 07/03/2023 12:17

With your current partner I'd go one of two ways.

  1. you live together as a family, including the children, and you pool all your money and the whole family enjoys an equal standard of living
  2. he moves out, you are a single parent and he is your boyfriend, you have separate households and finances and are dating.
CrosswordConundrum · 07/03/2023 12:19

OP do you have any spare rooms? I quite fancy renting my place out so it would be great if I could move in with you, collect an income off it and not pay you anything. You’d really be doing me a favour and in return I could maybe keep you company v occasionally - thanks! 🙏

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