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Original poster

Money - I earn the least but I'm paying the most!

242 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 21:26

I really hate money stuff!

Both my exH and current OH are high earners. 100k plus probably. I'm earning 20-25k a year, trying to set up my own business as well as my current part time job so I'm trying really hard to increase my income, but it's a slow process.

ExH and I share 2 kids, they are with us 50/50 each. ExH currently pays maintenance but that will stop (should have stopped a while ago as we have been 50/50 for a while now) and he still owes me a relatively large sum of money as part of our financial settlement that is payable when he has been cohabiting with a new partner for 6 months, which he has.

However he is currently claiming that he doesn't have the money to pay for school trips that DS2 has been booked onto for a while. We are now behind in the payments, and although we haven't been chased for money yet, it can't be far off. I am planning to make payments simply to keep up so we don't have a massive lump sum in a few weeks/months time, but it's really unfair that it's come to this, and he's not engaging in a discussion about how to manage it.

OH doesn't pay anything towards the kids, apart from the fact that we each put money into the joint account each month for bills including food, so he does pay for them in that respect, but for presents, clothes etc, that's all me. OH has moved into our house and rents his out which adds to his monthly income, so whilst he is rolling in it and buying all sorts of new stuff, I'm literally making cash envelopes and once the money is gone I have nothing left to spend. The problem is this has been the status quo for a while so trying to broach it now will be hard, and I don't even know what is fair or what I should try and ask for to try and make it fairer.

I'm just pissed off that I feel that I'm the least well off here and having to take responsibility for it all. I'm such a stupidly stubborn and proud person that I feel the answer should be for me to work and earn more, but the fact that they both earn so much more already makes me feel quite disrespected.

OP posts:
MarieRoseMarie · 08/03/2023 12:35

@DietCokeAddict19

Sorry if that’s not good enough for me?

Ugh, I’m sorry but this naïveté self pitying stuff is truly exhausting. It’s not good enough for your children whose future you are throwing away for this man. I assume you are dodging questions about where your money goes and who will pay for their education because it’s grandparents or next boyfriend who will have to step up. Not you.

And you got a free house so I think you’re doing fine inheritance wise but you still feel hard done by.

It seems like your best skill in life is leeching off rich men so your best bet is to dump this one and find a more generous one next time. Do a bit more vetting than just a posh school and a fancy job. Try looking at character and values. Because these men are seriously making a fool of you.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/03/2023 12:43

I'm not dodging questions about where my money goes? Half of my income goes in the joint account on household bills (council tax, TV licence, gas/electric, food etc), some goes into buying necessities like clothes for the kids, school costs such as meals, trying to build my business so courses etc that I need to do, car costs (insurance, fuel etc). And some goes into savings for both myself and the kids so I have enough in the future to send my kids to uni or get them a car or something to help with their futures.

Yes, I'm frustrated that their dad who earns a lot more than me doesn't put any money into savings for them and seemingly won't be much help financially when they are older. That's surely reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/03/2023 12:45

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 08/03/2023 11:40

Hi OP. Firstly, don't let randoms on MN stress you out or upset you. People have formed and voiced opinions based on limited information, so if it's useful: use it, if not: forget it.

Your situation is (to me, another random) a bit odd but I do get where you are coming from. Based on a similar situation with a friend, I think the fact you don't have joint DC is what swings it in your favour. My friend had a home, her OH moved in, didn't pay rent (paid bills), they had 2 children and when they split he was entitled to half the equity of the house from when he moved in to when he left. But they was because they had children together so it was regarded as the family home. I think if you don't have children, he cannot make a claim even if he pays rent. And he absolutely SHOULD pay rent because he's a working adult. No one lives for free on someone else's dime. I would use his property's rental income as a fair guide or what he was paying in mortgage.

Regarding shared finances and your OH's attitude to your son, that's a whole different kettle of fish. I have been an SM of 2 for 4 years and I buy them shit all the time. It's my choice, I don't feel pressure to, but I feel like when you choose a partner with kids you should be ultimately making some level of commitment to the children too. My DH and I are very fortunate and are planning how to save for their uni fees and house deposits. DH would NEVER expect this, but if we have all we need I don't see why I wouldn't work towards this if needed. I dunno...there's no expectation for a step parent to pay for children that don't belong to them, but if you can without disadvantaging yourself, why wouldn't you? That feels like a really dodgy red flag to me. Certainly feels like the seed of a bigger issue that may grow.

More than anything if you are a partnership that's worth anything, this should be an easy conversation and he should be invested in resolving it and not protecting his assets.

You also do, seriously, need to pursue your divorce settlement. Yep, will probably get awkward and yes, he may have to sell his home. That's what he agreed to and you need that money. Big girl pants on OP. Good luck. You sound like a good dude.

Thanks for your post.

Big girl pants pulled up and I have arranged to discuss finances with my ex next week.

OP posts:

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General money
PinkFrogss · 08/03/2023 13:15

How much are you putting into savings?

MarieRoseMarie · 08/03/2023 13:36

If you’re frustrated, do something about it. Get the divorce! Make him remortgage and Save that money for your children.

I am so confused.

You act as if you have no agency but you are literally choosing not to get money from your ex for your children!!!

New guy is costing your children money. He needs to move out.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/03/2023 13:37

PinkFrogss · 08/03/2023 13:15

How much are you putting into savings?

As a percentage of my entire monthly income (wages, child maintenance, child benefit) then 15% of it goes into savings for the kids and 10% goes into savings for me.

OP posts:
PinkFrogss · 08/03/2023 13:48

To put it bluntly OP, you’re not struggling for money if you’re saving 25% of your monthly income.

I would write out all your incoming money and outgoing costs. See where you can save money and prioritise. It’s possible your monthly savings will need to decrease in the short term to pay for the trips.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/03/2023 13:59

PinkFrogss · 08/03/2023 13:48

To put it bluntly OP, you’re not struggling for money if you’re saving 25% of your monthly income.

I would write out all your incoming money and outgoing costs. See where you can save money and prioritise. It’s possible your monthly savings will need to decrease in the short term to pay for the trips.

I guess the kids are my priority, hence saving for them. I guess maybe I'm just annoyed that they don't seem to be exH's priority, but I can't change that. I can only affect my own behaviour and thoughts, and not anyone else's. I just need to learn to be less annoyed about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/03/2023 14:25

MarieRoseMarie · 08/03/2023 13:36

If you’re frustrated, do something about it. Get the divorce! Make him remortgage and Save that money for your children.

I am so confused.

You act as if you have no agency but you are literally choosing not to get money from your ex for your children!!!

New guy is costing your children money. He needs to move out.

The issue with my ex is that I have to prove he has been cohabiting for a period of time. He has been, but he will lie and say he hasn’t. So in the eyes of the law I have to have proof that it’s happening. Which I don’t have, yet. Turns out it’s not an easy thing to prove with evidence that would stand up in court.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2023 14:33

DietCokeAddict19 · 08/03/2023 14:25

The issue with my ex is that I have to prove he has been cohabiting for a period of time. He has been, but he will lie and say he hasn’t. So in the eyes of the law I have to have proof that it’s happening. Which I don’t have, yet. Turns out it’s not an easy thing to prove with evidence that would stand up in court.

Show quote history

Are you not in the UK? To my knowledge there is now 'no fault' divorce in the UK and you don't have to 'prove' anything.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/03/2023 14:35

We are divorced. This is the financial settlement. A final payment is due to me once certain conditions are met.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2023 14:38

Ah! Sorry I misunderstood. But what does him cohabiting have to do with the settlement?

I'm in the US so I admit my knowledge of UK law is based pretty much on MN, which isn't always the most accurate.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/03/2023 16:37

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2023 14:38

Ah! Sorry I misunderstood. But what does him cohabiting have to do with the settlement?

I'm in the US so I admit my knowledge of UK law is based pretty much on MN, which isn't always the most accurate.

In our financial settlement we have an agreement than when the first of a number of conditions is met, I am owed a sum of money. Those conditions are things like our youngest turns 18, youngest leaves full time education, ExH remarries or lives together with a partner for a certain period of time etc.

OP posts:
FrostyFifi · 08/03/2023 16:48

@DietCokeAddict19 you asked how much he should be paying you monthly in a previous post. The figure that immediately comes to my mind is half the rental income he gets minus expenses, as you are enabling that income by housing him. I also suggest that you get it backdated.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/03/2023 17:01

FrostyFifi · 08/03/2023 16:48

@DietCokeAddict19 you asked how much he should be paying you monthly in a previous post. The figure that immediately comes to my mind is half the rental income he gets minus expenses, as you are enabling that income by housing him. I also suggest that you get it backdated.

It was quite shocking when someone upthread worked out that £1800 a month for 5 years means he has earned £108000, which has only been possible because he is living with me. I mean fine, we aren't married, our finances aren't shared, technically he owes me nothing. But to benefit to the tune of 100k and then get my DS to pay £5 for a poster is a bit low.

OP posts:
FrostyFifi · 08/03/2023 17:09

Yes it's horrendous, you have literally completely enabled him to do that. Okay I appreciate there will be expenses associated with renting the flat out but it's still an absolutely enormous profit and to then be petty enough to ask for a fiver off a child is unreal.
I'm not joking about that being what I think a fair split of the money is, btw, although I daresay he will not agree with me!

IDontWantToBeAPie · 08/03/2023 17:28

Your OH needs to pay half the rent/mortgage and bills.

He shouldn't have to pay for your children as they're not his children.

Your Ex needs to pay you the sum he owes you.

He should not be paying CM as you are 50/50.

School trips should be paid by you and Ex 50/50.

Your wage isn't their responsibility. The above is their responsibility.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 08/03/2023 17:29

Ooh, you own the house outright... then you can ask him to pay you some rent. Might be awkward though.

TheIsleOfTheLost · 08/03/2023 17:50

Do you want to be with this guy or not? If not then don't stay with him in an attempt to recover costs. He has profited yes, but not hidden anything from you. If you want to stay with him then explain that you agreed finances when he was paid considerably less and now you want a recount. That includes university as what your children receive is based on household income. It is then up to him if he wants to contribute more. If not and you are worse off because he lives there, you can tell him to move out.

Seasider2017 · 08/03/2023 18:41

Op
are you not going to be better off if he wasn’t there with you
would you not get UC, do an online check on turn2us just see what comes up.

He honestly hasn’t got your back, and there no way your gonna turn your back on your kids if/when they go to uni.
I think he think once 18 there gone and it’s you & him packed up and gone

you are so right to be thinking of future, if you leave your OWN paid up property and marry him
should anything happen further down the line
he gets half. So your HOME will become half his
and your home is more than all of his together

get on turn2us, you don’t need him
He brings you nothing

euff · 08/03/2023 18:51

Sorry if it's already been mentioned but is your Will up to date?

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/03/2023 18:52

I have just looked at the calculators and I wouldn't be better off without him here - I wouldn't be eligible for UC. But with what others have said previously about uni loans etc being dependent on household income, it would make a difference then.

I was getting tax credits before we met but now that it's changed to UC I wouldn't be eligible.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 08/03/2023 19:06

Your partner sounds like a selfish tosser who is massively benefitting from living with you. Same as your ex.
I hope you break this cycle.

TwilightSkies · 08/03/2023 19:09

Posted too soon.

As for him stopping you working in the evenings as it was cutting into ‘relationship time’ 🙄

Seasider2017 · 08/03/2023 19:25

Seems everything has benefited HIM and you’ve lost some ie tax credits
for him stopping you working in the evening, tell him you NEED that money in order to stay afloat! With him NOT giving enough money