Money - I earn the least but I'm paying the most!

[DietCokeAddict19]

I really hate money stuff!

Both my exH and current OH are high earners. 100k plus probably. I'm earning 20-25k a year, trying to set up my own business as well as my current part time job so I'm trying really hard to increase my income, but it's a slow process.

ExH and I share 2 kids, they are with us 50/50 each. ExH currently pays maintenance but that will stop (should have stopped a while ago as we have been 50/50 for a while now) and he still owes me a relatively large sum of money as part of our financial settlement that is payable when he has been cohabiting with a new partner for 6 months, which he has.

However he is currently claiming that he doesn't have the money to pay for school trips that DS2 has been booked onto for a while. We are now behind in the payments, and although we haven't been chased for money yet, it can't be far off. I am planning to make payments simply to keep up so we don't have a massive lump sum in a few weeks/months time, but it's really unfair that it's come to this, and he's not engaging in a discussion about how to manage it.

OH doesn't pay anything towards the kids, apart from the fact that we each put money into the joint account each month for bills including food, so he does pay for them in that respect, but for presents, clothes etc, that's all me. OH has moved into our house and rents his out which adds to his monthly income, so whilst he is rolling in it and buying all sorts of new stuff, I'm literally making cash envelopes and once the money is gone I have nothing left to spend. The problem is this has been the status quo for a while so trying to broach it now will be hard, and I don't even know what is fair or what I should try and ask for to try and make it fairer.

I'm just pissed off that I feel that I'm the least well off here and having to take responsibility for it all. I'm such a stupidly stubborn and proud person that I feel the answer should be for me to work and earn more, but the fact that they both earn so much more already makes me feel quite disrespected.

My will currently leaves everything to my children. My rationale is that he doesn’t need my money, he has his own money and house(s). I want my children to benefit financially from my death, not someone who has a comfortable life without my money.

I suspect this will have a few replies saying that I am just as mean as him.

@DietCokeAddict19

Nope, leaving your assets to your children is proper and sensible, regardless of your DP's financial situation. I'd expect him to leave his assets to his family, too, be it his parents, siblings, or nieces and nephews.

If you had joint assets I'd expect them to be left to each other.

Reassuring to know I'm not being totally unreasonable!

In his will he leaves half to me and half to his family, which is his choice. I have never asked for that, and would be totally fine with it all going to his family.

So what's yours is his and what's his is his own is how he sees it. My only advice would be do not marry this man. His living in your house will ensure that your children will only be eligible for the basic student loan should they wish to go to university. You are right to ensure that your will leaves everything to your children. Marriage will void that will so if you go ahead you need to make your will again.
Whilst they're not his children it seems very cynical to be so entrenched in that view that he won't even give a child a £5 poster. Where does it end? Fuel money for a lift to school? I couldn't be with someone who treated my children that way.
Oh and he needs to be pulling his weight around the house. He's on a very cushy number isn't he?

AFAIK he has no children so if he chooses to leave half to you, that's fine. As long as he doesn't expect 'tit for tat' or try to pressure you into changing your will. Or continually 'remind' you of his 'generosity' or hold it over your head

I do think, however, that I wouldn't ever marry him if I were you. And I'd be hesitant to jointly purchase a house (or anything of high value) with him and I definitely wouldn't sell my house to do so. I say this because not only does his 'financial philosophy' not match yours, but it appears his 'family philosophy' doesn't either. I'm not saying his is 'wrong', frankly it's more in line with the way I'd feel at this stage in my life, or that yours is 'right'. I'm just saying they don't 'mesh'.

Personally, I'd be re-thinking the relationship. You're trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Dear OP, I want to shake you.
You constantly refer to yourself as mean. Who has made you think you are mean?
You are a mother of DC who are your 1st priority and you want to provide for them.
Why is making a will and leaving everything to your children mean when your OH has his own houses and plenty of money?
He's the mean one... charging your son £5 of his pocket money for a map he encouraged your son to buy. I'd love to work out what percentage that is of your child's income and what percentage it is of his!

I think that person who is tight with money in a relationship - yet makes you feel tight for asking for contributions to the household - is probably tight with time/effort too. How good would he be in a crisis?

I mean fine, we aren't married, our finances aren't shared, and technically he owes me nothing.

"Technically" you have been providing him with FREE accommodation for FIVE YEARS - WHY? when he earns so much more than you? And because of this he has been able to earn £1,800 a month (gross) by renting out his former home - £108k over 5 years - and you have received absolutely zilch.
You are literally subsidizing him at the expense of saving for your future and your children's future. As I am closer to retirement age than you I can tell you that this is absolute madness.

so whilst he is rolling in it and buying all sorts of new stuff, I'm literally making cash envelopes and once the money is gone I have nothing left to spend. - Generous isn't he? He can buy loads of new stuff and watch you struggle. That's the thanks you get for enabling him to pocket £100k plus. Just think for one moment how much he can put into his pension an investment that will grow over the years - using money you have enabled him to earn - compared to how much you will be able to put into your pension? The inequality in this is staggering.

Just because this has been going on for five years, doesn't mean it shouldn't stop right now. Your dad has told you to get legal advice. So get some. Pay for it, it will be worth every penny. Protect yourself. Of course, this utter CF is not going to sign anything saying that he can't have the house and that it belongs to the children.

This may all sound very hard-headed but you have said several times you don't want to be seen as mean. Its not about gaining advantage over him - its about getting some clarity on what is actually fair. He's certainly not backwards about demanding your time and attention - trying to stop you working because he needs more attention in the evenings indeed!

OP you need to get a spreadsheet and work out all the bills. Who spends what. Who contributes what. and do your sums. work out the monthly cost. The annual cost and then the 5 yearly cost. then you can look at the distribution of - financial burden, housework burden and emotional burden - whether its being fairly distributed. Who does all the shopping, meal planning, cooking, laundry? You are providing him with a comfortable, well run home, a relationship, etc...This should be an equal partnership - otherwise what is the actual point?

PS. Regarding his will. I have family members who spent their whole time claiming they were leaving everything to this person or that person which was always changing. Also, wills can be changed at any time.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff has totally nailed this.

So I met with ExH. Requested the money I am owed as the last part of our financial settlement. He doesn't have that money. Suggested it's tied up in a company and he came up with a convoluted suggestion of how it could be paid to me, but ultimately he can't magic it up.

So now what? Ultimately I know (from my solicitor) that I can take him to court and make him sell the house to make the money available, but that's not exactly in the best interests of the children who live in that house half the time.

Oh, and he's going to stop paying the child maintenance. Which is fair.

Take him to court. He can get a smaller house. The kids won't be homeless.

Just go to court OP, there isn’t really an alternative. And he might suddenly find access to money once a court is involved.

Do I have to pay to take him to court?

Just go and see a solicitor. You have plenty of money.

So your xH sells the house,pays you what be owes and buys a property with a mortgage and a good deposit suitable for the children.Can that happen?You tell your live in friend or partner if you call him that finances need to be talked about.The children will be fine going to university,many have no help at all from family,they find work and loans.Do not worry about this.Break it into small areas to discuss.Continue with your business and good luck with that.Stay strong you are not in a terrible position.

Well I'm not in the UK, but it's pretty likely you'll have to pay for a court action. But it may be possible to have the court order him to reimburse you any fees you incur since he's the one refusing to honour the current legal agreement.

But what does it matter if you have to pay legal/court fees if you end up getting the money you are owed? And as far as him selling his house, I'm sorry but so what? He'll rent a flat or buy a smaller house and the children will see him there. Many if not most divorced parents have to get a new place to live. But I have a feeling that if he sees you are serious about taking legal action that he will indeed 'magic' up the money you are owed. Or at least a good portion of it.

As PP suggested, see a good solicitor. Only a solicitor can advise you as to the costs of court action and your chances of actually getting money AND how much you're likely to get. Take the paperwork with you that sets out the settlement. Write down what he said about how his money is 'tied up' and anything you know or can surmise about his finances and take that too. Then, after consulting with a solicitor, make the decision whether what it will cost will be worth what you'll get.

Don't get married, then he'll have a claim over your house and you won't have any claim over his properties!

Your Ex signed up to the terms of the financial settlement. He knew he would have to pay you and has made no provision for that.

Take him to court.