Money - I earn the least but I'm paying the most!

[DietCokeAddict19]

I really hate money stuff!

Both my exH and current OH are high earners. 100k plus probably. I'm earning 20-25k a year, trying to set up my own business as well as my current part time job so I'm trying really hard to increase my income, but it's a slow process.

ExH and I share 2 kids, they are with us 50/50 each. ExH currently pays maintenance but that will stop (should have stopped a while ago as we have been 50/50 for a while now) and he still owes me a relatively large sum of money as part of our financial settlement that is payable when he has been cohabiting with a new partner for 6 months, which he has.

However he is currently claiming that he doesn't have the money to pay for school trips that DS2 has been booked onto for a while. We are now behind in the payments, and although we haven't been chased for money yet, it can't be far off. I am planning to make payments simply to keep up so we don't have a massive lump sum in a few weeks/months time, but it's really unfair that it's come to this, and he's not engaging in a discussion about how to manage it.

OH doesn't pay anything towards the kids, apart from the fact that we each put money into the joint account each month for bills including food, so he does pay for them in that respect, but for presents, clothes etc, that's all me. OH has moved into our house and rents his out which adds to his monthly income, so whilst he is rolling in it and buying all sorts of new stuff, I'm literally making cash envelopes and once the money is gone I have nothing left to spend. The problem is this has been the status quo for a while so trying to broach it now will be hard, and I don't even know what is fair or what I should try and ask for to try and make it fairer.

I'm just pissed off that I feel that I'm the least well off here and having to take responsibility for it all. I'm such a stupidly stubborn and proud person that I feel the answer should be for me to work and earn more, but the fact that they both earn so much more already makes me feel quite disrespected.

She pays half of her £25k into a joint account for household expenses. She keeps the rest of the £25k, the child benefit (which he has to pay back via his tax), and the CM she isn't entitled to. He matches what she contributes to the joint account plus an additional £100. This means he is subsidising her and her children. What he earns or makes from rentals isn't here nor there. He is paying more than his fair share of the household expenses. She has savings. She just resents having to spend her own money when there are two rich guys in her life with short arms and deep pockets.

I don't see a difference. He bought the flat on his own, paid the mortgage and paid for 'upkeep', she paid nothing towards either. It's his. If he were to have sold his flat, do you think OP should be entitled to part of that money, simply because living with her enabled him to do that? I don't. Same for rental income.

If they decide to combine finances, which I would NEVER do unless I was married, because now you're getting into 'legal territory', then perhaps a conversation may be warranted. But for now it's 'what's his is his, what's hers is hers'.

Bottom line is, if OP is not happy with the arrangement, if she feels she's being 'taken advantage of' then she needs to ask him to move out. Not ask him to pay over the odds for a house he has no stake it, simply so that she can sock money away or work less hours.

He's using you as a cash cow AND you have lost your tax credit income!! My god, I hope he is bloody fantastic in bed.

@amiold but surely if he moves in as the boyfriend of a woman who has kids he has to expect to take part in family life.

The dad already pays maintenance. She gets child benefit. They are not his kids.

Would you expect a woman to do the same in his shoes?

@JimnJoyce and also pays the child benefit back via his tax

Ugh. I used to be with somebody like this. Unbelievable really when I look back... He stayed in the Airbnb which I rented out for a month, rent free. Then when we moved in together, I paid the rent, deposit, council tax, broadband, water and sometimes food and entertainment. He paid for gas and electricity and sometimes food and entertainment. We were on roughly the same wage too. In the end I had to ask him for money as I was dipping into my savings. I would never ever be with someone like that again.

OP - Ask him to contribute way more, or get rid. He's taking the absolute piss.

This is a couple that is talking about moving in together in a few years, and her kids live with them 50/50. And they are engaged, and his income will count towards household benefit assessments etc. So, whilst they might not be “a family” now, it needs to be determined if they will be one day.

@amiold my post was nothing to do with money or finances. It was about taking part in family life. He knowingly moved into the house of his girlfriend who he knew has kids. Why wouldnt he babysit them sometimes?

Sometimes yes but he shouldn't be expected to routinely.

There’s no indication from OP that she asked him to! The extra work was online work, she may have done it once kids were in bed or when they were with their dad.

@amiold why not? He cant have it both ways. And as PP @SheilaFentiman pointed out she is his fiance and will one day be their stepdad. If OP is losing out in money because he lives there and he doesnt want to help any more with that, OP has already proposed she work more hours but he doesnt want to help with that either.

They won't be a family, though. He has made it clear that he will have nothing to do with the children, either financially or with regular childcare. He is not taking on a stepfather role. For some reason the OP is fine with this. She still wants him. This situation is on her. Not him. She is responsible for the people she brings into her children's lives. She chose this man.

Please rethink your future plans:

Quote "we live in a big city with 2 unis and close to a few others so they could quite easily live at home"

If you move 2 hours away with your boyfriend when your kids grow up/go to uni keep your house to either rent out or for your kids to stay in and pay only bills while they are at uni. If your kids are in the house you could keep your room to visit/return to.

Why is it that when your boyfriend lives in your area he rents his house out and keeps the benefit of it for himself but if you go to his area you have to sell up and throw the equity in together? Don't do it.

Selling up will leave you nowhere to go if it doesn't work out and your kids without a family home to return to. Don't sell up and don't marry this man. Please make sure that you have keeping your family home for you and your children as your Red line that you will not cross.

The government will reduce the help your kids get at uni due to your household income but your partner has said he won't help pay for them at uni. Consider whether to tell him this isn't going to work living together as financially the government/benefits treat you as a unit but he doesn't and you and the kids are worse off for it. Probably better for you for him to live elsewhere.

If you tell your boyfriend that you won't sell your house when your kids are older and be chucking it all together with his money so he can have a big house - you will keep your house for your own future and your kids and for the same reason won't marry him (it puts your house at risk) he might lose interest anyway.

Tell him you are not happy he rents his house out and gets wealthier on the back of free accommodation with you and what is he going to do about it?

Why doesn't he sell up his properties and buy something near you that you can live in while you rent out your house and you take a turn to be the one collecting rent? That would be because it doesn't benefit him!

• he will one day be their stepdad

Because they're not his kids?

Does she need to work more? She's getting her wage, child benefit, child maintenance and he's paying half the bills and shopping. She isn't badly off

This. What on earth is he bringing to your life that is worth this? You'd be financially better off if he moved out and you dated occasionally. You'd get your credits back.

Also if he isn't going to fund your children at uni they will be massively disadvantaged by having this non-contributing high earner living with them.

Is it really worth living with him? I'd buy a bloody poster for a friend of my child's still less my partner's child. Do you really like him and respect him after seeing that?

@amiold you have no idea how well off or not OP is. Shes given an indication of her income but you dont know all of her outgoings.

@amiold - if I moved in with someone who had children living with them then yes, I'd contribute to their upbringing. Not sit on my side of the table eating steak and caviar while they're on value bread and marge on the other which is effectively what he's doing.

I wouldn't even go down the rent discussions tbh. I'd just separate.

what @amiold said.

If it is 'costing' OP to have him there, then she needs to ask him to leave. Or she needs to say 'Tough titty, I need the money' to him and work more hours. If he then chooses to say "I'd rather have you home, I'll pay the difference" that's fine. But to expect someone to pay more than their fair share just because they earn more is wrong. And if OP didn't take a sharp look at her finances and what she would 'lose' by him moving in, that's on her. Not to say she can't take a sharp look at them now, however.

He doesn't have 'all the benefits' and the OP have only 'disadvantages'. First off, he's now sharing a home with 2 children. That could be considered a 'disadvantage' for him since before he was (apparently) footloose and fancy free. Life isn't so simple for him now as it was before, with children in the house. And if he isn't doing his share of the household 'chores', then he should be and OP needs to deal with that. And it's not like he moved in and is paying nothing. He IS paying to be there. Whether or not he's paying his fair share of the costs of running the household is something OP needs to look with consideration of the rising costs of living. Perhaps since he's moved in costs have increased to the point where he should be contributing more to meet his share of the household basics. But he has no responsibility to 'subsidize' the OP and/or her children, no matter how much he earns.

OP needs to cut her coat to fit her cloth. OP's DP shouldn't expect her to match his 'lifestyle' (meaning tailoring her work hours to his expectations or pay for more expensive groceries, meals out, holidays, etc etc). That's a trap the lower earning person must not fall into. If her DP wants those things, then yes, he should fund them. But if he's happy to live within 'her' budget then he needn't pay for more than his share of that.

You are getting child maintenance you shouldn't be, have no rent, and have 50% of your bills paid? This seems like a pretty good deal to me.

How much are tax credits anyway if she's lost more than the approx. £1800 a month he contributes to the pot??

“Why is it that when your boyfriend lives in your area he rents his house out and keeps the benefit of it for himself but if you go to his area you have to sell up and throw the equity in together? Don't do it.”

This.

@JimnJoyce well she's racking in probably near on £2500 with no mortgage and only has her kids half the week. I'm no rocket scientist but a quick calculation makes me think that's plenty to live on when someone is paying half the bills and shopping (shopping for two kids she's already getting money off the dad for don't forget).