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Original poster

Should I lend my DH £13,000

429 replies

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:27

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/01/2023 20:28

I would.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2023 20:31

£8.5k for a bike?!? No way! That’s ridiculous!

MyOldCaravan · 27/01/2023 20:31

With all due respect, the money is now yours, not your mother's and it's entirely up to you what you do with it.

Personally I would lend him the money for the bike unless you desperately need it for something else? Actually I'd buy it as a gift for my DH but I don't know your circumstances!

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fatsinglereadytomingle · 27/01/2023 20:32

No I wouldn't.

CharcoalJeans · 27/01/2023 20:33

Why can’t he wait a month to buy the bike when he has his bonus? What’s the rush?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 27/01/2023 20:33

It’s difficult as you have really segregated finances. How do you normally decide big purchases? Since he earns so much couldn’t he just save a few months for it? Also it’s weird you say he won’t rip you off as I’d have thought that’d be a given but I guess not in some relationships though I’m not sure how they survive.

Angelofthenortheast · 27/01/2023 20:33

Not for a £8.5k bike, no

I don't think you'll get it back

BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2023 20:33

MyOldCaravan · 27/01/2023 20:31

With all due respect, the money is now yours, not your mother's and it's entirely up to you what you do with it.

Personally I would lend him the money for the bike unless you desperately need it for something else? Actually I'd buy it as a gift for my DH but I don't know your circumstances!

You do know her circumstances. She’s in a low paid job. No prospect of ever having this kind of money again.

also why doesn’t he have his tax money saved?

MsChatterbox · 27/01/2023 20:34

I can't fully tell from your post how it was when you were a SAHM, was he very tight towards you having any spending money? This would skew my view.

SeasonFinale · 27/01/2023 20:34

He'll no to the bike. Why is the house just in his name by the way?

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:34

CharcoalJeans · 27/01/2023 20:33

Why can’t he wait a month to buy the bike when he has his bonus? What’s the rush?

He can pay me for the tax next month. He'll pay for the bike over 2.5 years

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 27/01/2023 20:34

*hell no! that was supposed to be

ThereIsATInWater · 27/01/2023 20:35

Nope, not for a "plaything".
If it was his only mode of transport, probably.

Tax bill....maybe but why hasn't he the money kept for that?

maryofthevirginkind · 27/01/2023 20:35

No. He earns a lot of money, what's he doing with it all?

Suzi888 · 27/01/2023 20:35

So, who buys the carpet? Do you go halves?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 27/01/2023 20:35

He presumably agreed to separate finances? Stick with it op. Or live to regret it imo.

Hawkins001 · 27/01/2023 20:35

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:27

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

Personally let him get the loan, then he has to make the repayments, other wise it's I'll pay next month and on on

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

MsChatterbox · 27/01/2023 20:34

I can't fully tell from your post how it was when you were a SAHM, was he very tight towards you having any spending money? This would skew my view.

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

OP posts:
dontknowwhatisbest · 27/01/2023 20:37

This sounds like such a sad arrangement after such a long marriage, OP. I can't imagine having separate finances after having a children and half a lifetime together.

What is your pension like? What is his pension like? I assume he is in a much better position. In the circumstances you decribe I would say absolutely not, you should protect your nest egg.

Why didn't your mum like him? What's the rest of your relationship like?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/01/2023 20:37

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Show quote history

In that was the case, then I have changed my mind and I wouldn’t. Maybe your mum was right.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:37

ThereIsATInWater · 27/01/2023 20:35

Nope, not for a "plaything".
If it was his only mode of transport, probably.

Tax bill....maybe but why hasn't he the money kept for that?

The tax bill is child benefit that i received.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2023 20:37

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Show quote history

WTAF.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 27/01/2023 20:37

We have separate finances.. Once loaned dh a small amount for a car. Big drama every month about paying me back. He begrudged doing so. Yet he had a ppi payout he kept to himself. No comment from me at all.

Sotired22 · 27/01/2023 20:37

The way you’ve said he held the purse strings when you were a stay at home mum makes it sound like he was possibly controlling with money, didn’t give you access to his salary etc? And then you’ve had a low paying job since then and he earns a lot - do you have any access to his salary, can you spend any of it? Or does he just have a huge disposable income for himself? I find this a strange way to carry on in a marriage to be honest. Me and dh just share our money. It’s all ours.

If he’s withheld money from you in the past or been controlling with money then no I wouldn’t give him a penny. Serves him right. Look after yourself and don’t let him spend it on himself, he has a large income which he doesn’t share with you it sounds like?

Also why is the house just in his name?? It doesn’t really matter if you’re married, it’s yours as well. But why aren’t you named on it?!

Xrays · 27/01/2023 20:38

No. If he wants the bike he can get a loan for it from somewhere else since he’s so insistent on having separate finances. I think your whole financial set up is odd though to be honest. But then we are of the type who pool all our income and give each other an equal and set amount of spending money. We share everything. When my Mum died I used my inheritance to pay off the mortgage and didn’t even think twice about it but given your situation and the separateness of your finances I think he’s got a cheek wanting £9k for a bike!!