Should I lend my DH £13,000

[ladywithnomanors]

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

I don't think he would pay you back, at least for the tax bill. He will argue that you had the child benefit so why should he pay for it.

He is financially abusive.

I would use the money to pay a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. You will be much better off. I bet thats what your Mum hoped you would do with it.

NI credits. It's a very sensible move for someone who's a SAHM.

What a weird arrangement in a marriage that you have to ‘lend’ your own husband money.

I have just inherited a lot of money but I don’t think if it as ‘my’ inheritance. It belongs to both of us, because we are married.

Because during lockdown we were unsure of how much wage he would get

We are married but the house is in his name.

Um, what?

OP - this must be a lot to take in, but believe me your husband's attitude is neither normal nor acceptable. I've been with DH for over 20 years, with each of us earning different amounts at different times, and not once has he ever begrudged me money for bus fare. Not even when we were skint. He has never tried to control what I spend.

@LookingOldTheseDays I think you can do that and at the same time say you don't want to receive it. I do this because I CBA to repay later.

When he questions money for bus fare? Really?

omg, tell him he can't "steal" your money!!!

Let him get a loan! That money is your security. What goes around comes around. He treated you shittily re money when you weren't earning. Karma bites. Who needs to spend £8.5k on any sort of bike??!

My teeth literally hurt when I hear of a professional woman gives up her career to be dependent on any man! I would never, ever have done it, and indeed am thankful now that I didn't. I've three wonderful adult children - so proud of them and so close to them - the fact they never had a SAHM hasn't had any negative effect.

Did you have any access to money at all, except your savings?

No idea as to why you don’t have family Money and make joint decisions. They are all assets of the marriage including the house.
Doesn’t sound like he can afford that bike. He doesn’t need it. You have an equal voice as to what the money is spent on. Carpets might be the priority. He could buy a much cheaper bike

Not sure how much a year he's earning now, but on the assumption it's more than 80k a year now and he's always been tight with his money, I don't understand how he can't afford to pay his own tax bill and/or buy a ridiculously expensive bike with his own money.
If you lent him the money I have a horrible feeling he'll strongly resist paying you back.

Keep the money your mum left you.

You've had years of scrimping and now he sees you as a cash machine.

8.5k on a bike is insane.

No. You should be keeping your money in case you need to get away from this financially abusive man. Listen to your mum.

No

The smartest financial thing you could do is divorce OP.

Get a great solicitor with thos esavings of your. Make your DM proud and take half of that house AND the power that he is holding over your head back for yourself.

No wonder she hated him.

Even if he wasn't a financially abusive prick...

This is so bizarre, him letting you struggle while he is raking it in (and blowing it all on blackjack and hookers if he hasn't got any bloody savings?!). I know some like to keep seperate finances, but surely that only work if both partners are on an equal footing and there are no dc or sacrifices being made by only one.

Whats his is his and what's your's is his too.

Take him to the fucking cleaners and get yourself a nice normal bloke.

I was about to post the same!

The OP needs the money though. Because its pretty obvious her DH is financially abusive. Really abusive.

She didn't even have access to money to buy food from the shop when she was a SAHM.

Listen to your mum. She saw his true colors, a greedy controlling arse.

Don't lend him anything. You'll never see it again.

What does he do with all his money?

Have you had anything luxurious like a 9k bike?

Holidays and big purchases, does he decide on those too?

You can claim but opt out of receiving the payments so don’t have the hassle of receiving the money and then having to pay it back to HMRC ages later. Can also restart the payments at any time if circumstances change etc

For this alone, I'd say no to all his requests, tell him it's because of this, and consider whether to leave him.

Fucking disgusting way to treat your wife

So he's been super stingy with his earnings but as soon as you have some money, he expects a big cut. No. It sounds me like he thinks you owe him the money. He has been paying for holidays and most of the bills and so sees it as his. Well he needs to educate himself that you have been instrumental in him earning that wage, by sacrificing your own career. The money is yours. Or all money is both of yours He can't have it both ways. Did you ever ask for a large loan...?

OP - needless to say, do not lend him any money. Not for the tax or the bike.

He is 100% "the type to rip you off", because he's been doing so for years. I'm so sorry.

It's a lot to process, but you need to think hard about your future and make moves to divorce this man. He isn't going to give you long term happiness.

He's awful OP. Financially abusive and it's rare that one type of abuse comes alone. Divorce and you'll get a lot more than £87k.

If he's earning 80k why does he need to borrow money from you?