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Original poster

Should I lend my DH £13,000

429 replies

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:27

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
Led92 · 27/01/2023 21:01

If he’s on that amount id expect him to have savings to pay for his bike.
loan him money for the tax thing then tell him to get an official loan for the bike as it’s solely for his benefit and use and it’s a lot of money. It might make him think
twice about spending so much on a bike!

CoffeeBeansGalore · 27/01/2023 21:01

Having seen the copper jar update I change my response. No to everything. Do not lend him a penny. He can get a bank loan for all of it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/01/2023 21:02

BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2023 20:31

£8.5k for a bike?!? No way! That’s ridiculous!

My thoughts but less sweaty.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
frazzledasarock · 27/01/2023 21:03

So read all your posts now. And no I wouldn’t lend him any money for anything.

invest your money and hang on to it.

you may wish to LTB at some point.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 27/01/2023 21:03

Lend him that money op and your dm will spin in her grave...

Penguinsmum · 27/01/2023 21:03

Omg. Sorry but he's taking you for a complete mug.

Quartz2208 · 27/01/2023 21:04

Do you have 4 children then for that amount of benefit.

so if you do and he has the house in his name (you are married so I would get some advice) earns a lot abd still wants to purchase something that is 10% of his incone

he is awful OP he just wants your money. Personally I would leave

Butchyrestingface · 27/01/2023 21:05

But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike.

Fuck OFF. Even to ASK shows what an arsehole he is.

Your mum sure had his number, didn't she?

Floralnomad · 27/01/2023 21:05

I wouldn’t lend him the money , but then I’d have left him years ago - what is the point of a marriage like this where money is so segregated and you get called a thief for using a few coppers .

ImBlueDab · 27/01/2023 21:05

I was going to say that if you trust him to put it back them why not.

But after reading this. Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief

Absolutely no way, ask yourself the same question, would he buy you an 8.5k bike? Doesn't really matter who's money or salary it is, it's all family money - but what's good for him, should be good for you

Heli1copter · 27/01/2023 21:05

Its totally wrong to use your inheritance on a tax bill and a ridiculous luxury purchase that will lose loads of value after a year. Crazy.

If the tax bill is purely repayment of child benefit then this should be something he budgets for each month over the year. His high salary is the reason he needs to repay the amount. If he doesn't like that, well he can get a job earning less than £50k so you keep the child benefit in full. Or he could go part time and allow you to do more than a minimum wage job. Bet he wouldn't like that either though. He sounds nasty.

FlowerArranger · 27/01/2023 21:05

Have a look here, @ladywithnomanors :

www.vanguardinvestor.co.uk/what-we-offer/personal-pension/personal-pension-account

Please safeguard your inheritance and invest it in your future!

Because you husband hasn't got your back...

itsgettingweird · 27/01/2023 21:06

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Fuck that.

He's been financially controlling you for all these years. The £80000 wage should have been family money as you staying at home facilitated him earning that and saving on childcare.

I'd take your inheritance and run.

stopringingme · 27/01/2023 21:06

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:37

The tax bill is child benefit that i received.

Show quote history

That seems high for the tax.

Check the child benefit tax calculator.

I just did a basic input as I don't know how many children so I put 3 children, £80k and it came out with £2550.00 owed

That was without any pensions etc so it may be even less.

I would not lend him anything for the tax until you see what he inputs.

I definitely would not lend for his toy , I just think he is trying to control your money and I just get a feeling you will not see any of it again.

Trust what your Mum said.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 21:06

frazzledasarock · 27/01/2023 21:01

What do you mean he ‘completely held the purse strings’?

Basically he had all the money. The only money i had was savings i had from previous bank accounts.

OP posts:
MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 27/01/2023 21:06

Sorry but, if he earns so much more than you, why does he needs a loan from you if you have separate finances.

I’m also surprised about the split of the bills you have. My council tax + water bill is about 30% more than my other bills combined.

Let him leave within his means. The push bike will still be there when he gets his bonus… unless of course, he gets much tighter if you refuse.

ijustneedanamefgs · 27/01/2023 21:07

Not a chance! Listen to your mum. He earns 80k but needs a loan from someone earning little. He has been tight all these years, your name is not on the mortgage. I hope he’s better in other areas but financially he’s not good, protect yourself.

Cakeandcardio · 27/01/2023 21:09

Calling his own wife a thief? Fuck that. He didn't want to share money with you when he had the most. Now you have a large lump sum, he expects you to share? He sounds awful. There's no way any decent man would earn a large salary and let his wife pick up coppers for a bus fayre. I really would not lend him a penny. Not even for the tax bill.

FictionalCharacter · 27/01/2023 21:09

NewNovember · 27/01/2023 20:57

You are married so it's all family money anyway. Just can't relate to lending money to a spouse. Time for you both to to grow up and pool your money - you are married with dc.

Did you see this bit?
“Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.”
He’s not exactly someone who’s in favour of pooling money, is he?

@ladywithnomanors Absolutely no way is it a good idea to “lend” him this money. He’ll find ways to justify not giving it back. He can buy his own bike like any other well paid person would.

Your mum saw through him. She knew.

TiaraBoo · 27/01/2023 21:09

No I wouldn’t lend him anything.

ijustneedanamefgs · 27/01/2023 21:09

The inheritance you received is a huge snout to you, it’s only a yearly wage to him. Where is all his money?

LookingOldTheseDays · 27/01/2023 21:09

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 21:06

Basically he had all the money. The only money i had was savings i had from previous bank accounts.

Show quote history

So, for example, how did paying for the weekly shop work.

Did he give you a budget to stick to? Or did you just have a card for the bank account and he trusted you to do it? Or did he not allow you to do it at all?

If you went out and bought yourself a coffee, did you have to account for that £3 and explain yourself?

roarfeckingroarr · 27/01/2023 21:09

Why do you claim child benefit when you know your husband will have to repay it all? Why bother?

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 27/01/2023 21:09

Christ no.

Keep your 87k and divorce the tight fisted arse.

He thinks what's his is his and what's yours is his 🙄

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 21:10

LookingOldTheseDays · 27/01/2023 21:09

So, for example, how did paying for the weekly shop work.

Did he give you a budget to stick to? Or did you just have a card for the bank account and he trusted you to do it? Or did he not allow you to do it at all?

If you went out and bought yourself a coffee, did you have to account for that £3 and explain yourself?

Show quote history

He did the weekly shop

OP posts: