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Original poster

Should I lend my DH £13,000

429 replies

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:27

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
ThereIsATInWater · 27/01/2023 20:38

On that bit of information nope, nopey, nope.

Put most of it somewhere safe but accessible if YOU need it.

It's YOUR inheritance, use it wisely.

Orangello · 27/01/2023 20:38

Ah so separate finances when it suits him, but when you have money...
And yes, were you planning to do all the house improvements and family travel from your inheritance only, while his money goes to his hobbies?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 27/01/2023 20:38

Yes to the tax bill as long as you will definitely get it ALL back next month & it means he avoids any charges.
His fun toy, nope. He can take out a loan.

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General money
MsChatterbox · 27/01/2023 20:38

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Show quote history

Ouch. Sorry OP. In this situation I wouldn't. Just state you would like to continue with the financial arrangements as they are.

Wotwotwotwotwot · 27/01/2023 20:38

No, he can save for the bike. Why should he have instant gratification when he wants to frivolously spend 8.5k on something just for him when thanks to having to look after his children this isn't a luxury you'll ever have?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 27/01/2023 20:38

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Show quote history

Is that one of the reasons your mum didn’t like him? And want you to keep the money? That doesn’t sound like a good relationship. I know you’re just sharing a little but that doesn’t seem healthy.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:38

dontknowwhatisbest · 27/01/2023 20:37

This sounds like such a sad arrangement after such a long marriage, OP. I can't imagine having separate finances after having a children and half a lifetime together.

What is your pension like? What is his pension like? I assume he is in a much better position. In the circumstances you decribe I would say absolutely not, you should protect your nest egg.

Why didn't your mum like him? What's the rest of your relationship like?

My pension will be better than his as its NHS and was frozen when i stopped work and then restarted.

OP posts:
daretodenim · 27/01/2023 20:39

You haven't responded about your pensions. How is that situation?

BluesandClues · 27/01/2023 20:39

8.5k for a bike?! Not a bloody chance!

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 27/01/2023 20:40

I agree with your mum, he has done what and decent husband would do in paying the bills, he would still need to pay his tax bill regardless, but no why should you pay 8K for a bike which is not essential?

TokyoSushi · 27/01/2023 20:41

Gosh no. This implies that he'd eventually be able to afford an £8.5K bike, through saving up, or a loan, or whatever. Whereas you never would unless you pay it from an inheritance.

Lcb123 · 27/01/2023 20:41

I’d be far far more worried that the house is in his name. Don’t lend him money until he sorts that

Mumoftwoinprimary · 27/01/2023 20:41

Is he Jonny Brownlee?

If not then he doesn’t need an £8.5K bike.

pigsinoodies · 27/01/2023 20:42

When I was last earning over £7k a month I'd often ask someone earning far less to lend me £3.5k for my tax or £9k for a hobby. It would have been such a struggle otherwise.

AfraidToRun · 27/01/2023 20:42

is it a case of his money is his and your money is also so his?

daretodenim · 27/01/2023 20:42

Cross post.

Ok then I'd give - LEND - the tax money. Not the bike money. He should get a loan for it.

If you wanted an expensive toy in the reverse situation would he lend it to you? Obviously not, because he wouldn't let you have bus fare from the small change jar.

You may feel uncomfortable saying no, but you'll feel a LOT worse if you lend it to him and don't get it back, after what your mother said.

Oakbeam · 27/01/2023 20:43

Why is the house just in his name by the way?

After 19 years of marriage why does it matter whose name it’s in?

ArcaneWireless · 27/01/2023 20:43

Ask yourself honestly. If the situation were reversed would he do it for you? Honestly now.

He should have money for his tax saved anyway. And he can get a loan for his toy.

CrescentMoons · 27/01/2023 20:43

Sotired22 · 27/01/2023 20:37

The way you’ve said he held the purse strings when you were a stay at home mum makes it sound like he was possibly controlling with money, didn’t give you access to his salary etc? And then you’ve had a low paying job since then and he earns a lot - do you have any access to his salary, can you spend any of it? Or does he just have a huge disposable income for himself? I find this a strange way to carry on in a marriage to be honest. Me and dh just share our money. It’s all ours.

If he’s withheld money from you in the past or been controlling with money then no I wouldn’t give him a penny. Serves him right. Look after yourself and don’t let him spend it on himself, he has a large income which he doesn’t share with you it sounds like?

Also why is the house just in his name?? It doesn’t really matter if you’re married, it’s yours as well. But why aren’t you named on it?!

If you are married the house will be considered joint

Eastereggsboxedupready · 27/01/2023 20:43

If you pay that tax bill he won't pay it back to you as you had the CB...

Pixiedust1234 · 27/01/2023 20:44

Don't do it OP, you will live to regret it.

I spent my inheritance on the house for our family. He spent two different inheritances on his hobbies with no thought or discussion despite our house desperately needing structural work. I now have no money to escape and he continues to get us into debt. Married 30 years. I bitterly regret my decision every single day.

maeveiscurious · 27/01/2023 20:44

I feel sorry for you reading this, please start a pension in your name £2880 will be grossed up to £3600 even as a stay at home mum. Invest in and ISA put something in premium bonds.

The tax he is paying tells me he is earning £60k plus.

I won't tell you about your marriage

bravelittletiger · 27/01/2023 20:44

You need to get the house in both of your names. There is no possible situation where it is right that it's only in his name.

I would never let me husband buy an 8.5k bike unless 8.5k meant absolutely nothing to our household finances and would have no impact on it whatsoever.

It feels quite weird that you have such separate finances tbh. I think that's maybe the bigger issue here...

Chickenwing2 · 27/01/2023 20:44

Why is the house not also in your name?

He doesn't sound very nice and it doesn't sound like a partnership. how do you manage holidays or big purchases?

Sotired22 · 27/01/2023 20:44

Given your update about him calling you a thief for taking coppers for bus money I wouldn’t give him a single penny and I’d also be divorcing him. He’s a financially abusive twat by the sounds of it.