Should I lend my DH £13,000

[ladywithnomanors]

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

I'd do it for the tax bill but not the bike. As long as it doesn't impact you and family finances he can take out a loan

So at what point did your husband start to refuse you access to money? Was it a boiled frog situation?
I'm with everyone else who says use this as your running away fund. I am 60, happily married for 30 years, but I've always had a separate account if I need to get out. I've seen too many of my friends need it. In fact my running away fund would be much larger if I had not depleted it for a sister and two friends! It's still enough for a deposit on a house and legal fees, and I earn well.
Please get out. This man is not good for you. Teach your daughters to learn from your experience.

Please get out. This man is not good for you. Teach your daughters to learn from your experience.

This.

He doesn't sound like a fundamentally kind man. Don't spend the rest of your life with someone who isn't fundamentally kind.

Your mum clearly had his number. Honour her memory by listening to what she said - she loved you and wanted the best for you.

And it sounds like what's best for you is not sharing the rest of your life with him.

you are in an abusive relationship. I wouldn’t give him a bloody penny, Infact I would use the money and use it as a deposit for another house this time in your name. You are married how come the house is in his name and not joint. Please get out of This relationship before your kids notice you are being abused.

He certainly sounds pretty mean, at best. How do you pay for day to day personal expenses, clothes, shoes, haircut, mobile phone bill? Does that come from your own salary? What about clothes and toys for the children? Does your DH buy all of that from.his salary or force you to go without by withholding his money, knowing he earns 4x what you do?

The finances have been set up to benefit him only. Now you have inherited he wants that as well. He's greedy and hasn't shared his with his own wife in the past. He wouldn't get a penny from me. If he's clever enough to earn well he should sort out his own tax and save for that accordingly. Your mum saw red flags in him - he's tight, a skinflint, grasping with money, happy to spend on himself though and relieve you of yours the minute you have some.

This is financial abuse. Why is the house in his name? Is he abusive in other ways?

What do you plan to do with the money? Why don't you buy the carpet anyway?
If you trust he will repay you and will get a loan anyway, I would loan it to him. But I would feel uncomfortable if my mum had told me not to!

It's her running away fund to escape this financially abusive man.

I wouldn't be buying carpet for 'his' house (I know it's a marital asset, but it's never even been put in joint names).

@ladywithnomanors

You know, it may not be a bad idea to see a solicitor. You have no idea what the future may bring or how much pressure you're going to be subjected to by him.

Doesn't mean you're filing for divorce or even 'there' yet. You're just educating yourself as to 'what's what' wrt 'whose assets are whose' now and in the event Of a split.

With bells on.

@ladywithnomanors do you actually want to still be married to this man? Do you love him? Does he love you? Is he kind and decent?

He's clearly not kind nor decent.

You do realise the “Tax Bill” is him just wanting every payment of child benefit paid back to him

When I got child benefit dh’s tax code was changed accordingly. There was no bill to be paid
That doesn’t add up

Aldo CB is much more than money paid into your account. It is your NI payments for those years you might not work so you are when the time comes eligible for a state pension

Make site the CB is in your name.

Op has it occurred to you that during those 8 years he deliberately kept you pregnant with a small baby to make it difficult for you to be independent?

Op really think through what you want in life, because I bet he is abusive in other ways too.

Op if you want out speak with womans aid, you have 4 kids so a private rental is going to be £££ speak with Womans Aid and see what help you can get.

I wouldn’t loan him a dime. Not after how he’s behaved with money. Not a cent into HIS house, not a cent to him.

Nothing.

Base on your post and updates this isn’t really about money. Don’t let him touch it. I agree with PP who say you should leave but, if not, put it into a savings account where you can’t touch it either. Then no one can get their hands on it. He’ll be asking you to pay off the mortgage next!

Who pays for child related expenses?

@toomuchlaundry my dear dear lady. You sound so sad and downtrodden. So tired of it all. You know in your heart what you need to do don't you? Life isn't meant to be like this.

Your dear mum would only have wanted you to be free and happy. Using what she has left you is not frittering it away, it's using it to better your life. That's something all we mums dearly want for our children.

Everything I read about this man, makes my blood boil for you. I can only imagine what 19 years of this would do to a spirit. Please stop and think. Try to think of it like this - your inheritance cash is a well-timed boost to your resilience, your strength and determination. Your chance to put yourself and your children first.

Conversely as a financial abuser he'll see it as a threat. He'll do everything he can to dwindle it away and take that power from you. He'll be seething that his name isn't on it. It's also very likely that he has more than enough stashed away to pay for that ludicrous bike.
He'll do it bit by bit until it's all gone, along with it your easier route out.

He will have won. Please don't let him.

Money is there to spend, on making life more enjoyable. Spend it on legal fees, a deposit on your own home and a well deserved happy rest of your life.

Keep coming here for wise words and support. We are all here for you. The stories on here of women reclaiming their lives, of recovering from years of abuse of one sort or another are an inspiration. Be one of those stories. You now have the means, all you need is a gentle push off - to the rest of your free and happy independent life.

Do it.

I think the child benefit is essentially the government giving you the financial compensation that the father of your children should have given you, in return for looking after his children which allowed him to go to work and earn money. I know that many men do not see childcare as a valuable service to the family, but merely as an obligation of a woman for the sin of being born female. So they count childcare as zero in the balance sheet of who earned what. But the truth is that childcare is actually very expensive to buy on the market, especially in the way a stay-at-home-mother does it where the father doesn't have to help with daycare pickups or dropoffs, can work late if he wants to, etc. Men who have a SAHM wife earn more and progress faster in their careers, on average, than men who have a working wife. If you were in a normal family where you both had equal access to what he earned, then it would be ok, everything would even out. But since he is stingy with money and keeps the house in his name and so on, then you should keep the child benefit that you have earned by being the primary caregiver of the children. It is legally and morally yours So I continue to argue I think you should give him nothing from your inheritance. Keep it as your safety net.

@LookingOldTheseDays you can choose not to take the money and still get NI credits, that's the set up I have and much prefer it to getting the benefit then paying it back.

OP I wouldn't lend him a penny for any of it. If he can't afford the tax bill after earning so much and not sharing with his wife, then that's his fault for pissing away his money. What does he spend it on? My guess is he's got more than enough sat aside he just wants you to pay it and then never give it back as you got the benefit. No chance in hell should he be spending £8k on a bike and if he really wants to tell him to get a loan, I'm sure he'll change his tune about wanting it. I don't envision you'd get any of your money back if I'm honest. Listen to your mum! From your replies I think he is financially abusive, calling you a thief for taking some coppers for the bus when you're a stay at home mum and he's on £80k, makes me feel sick tbh. You are supposed to be a team, my husband has a good salary too and I'm a SAHM and we have fully joint accounts and I have full access to everything. In my circumstances I would consider that inheritance 'ours'. But if I was married to your husband I would not, it's not what's yours is his and what's his is his. He sounds like a selfish asshole who is completely mugging you off! So sorry OP, I would get some financial advice, especially with regard to the house being in his name and how you can best safeguard your inheritance for you and your future. With or without him!

I was married to a man who called me a thief when I bought a bar of chocolate along with groceries. He went through the receipt line by line to find the 35p purchase.
Money was mine! I had to hand it all over to him once I earned it. Even though he was earning really well after years of me supporting him and helping him build up his career.

I divorced the fucker. That bar of chocolate stayed in the fridge till I had issued the decree nisi, then I threw it out as I couldn’t face eating it.

I hope you find the courage to LTB. Your children do not need to grow up living with such an abusive toxic man.

you deserve a peaceful home life where you can buy whatever the he’ll you want.

if he’s on PAYE, you’ll get child maintenance. Give leaving serious thought.

No way. Adults look after themselves.

I'm speaking as a woman whose ex kept me and my sons short of money for years causing us a lot of upset and worry, depriving my sons of holidays, experiences, trips and fun. His 'low wage' was a puzzle to many friends of mine.

I found out he was putting 1/4-1/3 of his wages into a 'sock drawer fund' in case we went our separate ways. You bet we did! I threw him out.

You haven't been stupid, only naive and trusting, and you're not the first nor will you be the last. Don't waste time and energy calling yourself names and doing yourself down.

How is he otherwise? Is he generous? Do you have access to money - I think you said you didn't?

Why does hee xpect you to be so open-handed with your money when the example he has is the opposite?

As for Child Benefit. Who cares who "got" it, it's meant to be for the benefit of the child, to ensure the child is fed, clothed, warm and clean, etc. If it was used to help pay household bills, who cares which account it came out of or comes out of, it's needed to keep the children in a decent style. It's not like you frittered it away. Presumably, if he'd 'got' he'd have spent it keeping a warm roof over their heads too? Or would he have been treating himself to chocolate while you gnawed stale bread?

Keep your money. You will NEED it sometime. Did you keep up your NI contributions for instance? Did your dh pay them because you were the housekeeper/childcarer without whom he wouldn't have had the time or energy to make his way up that greasy pole he's on?

@frazzledasarock that's appalling! He took your wages from you?

Did you get a decent divorce settlement? What a horrible human being he was.