Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should I lend my DH £13,000

429 replies

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:27

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
page1of4 · 27/01/2023 20:53

Your Mum is telling you more than not to let him near your money. That's just the tip of the iceberg of what she was trying to say.

deeperthanallroses · 27/01/2023 20:54

No to the bike. If you’d asked him to buy you something that cost THOUSANDS the man who said you were a thief for taking bus money would have said no. Tell him to save up his bus money.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/01/2023 20:54

CharcoalJeans · 27/01/2023 20:33

Why can’t he wait a month to buy the bike when he has his bonus? What’s the rush?

Exactly.

You won't be long disposing of £87k if the money is spent on things like this. Insane.

Clearly this money is to allow you plan your future - it's not for mad purchases like this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
LookingOldTheseDays · 27/01/2023 20:54

He's a miser when you need a few coppers for bus far.

But he's Billy Big Spender when he's deciding what bike to buy for his hobby.

Says it all. What a shit.

HippeePrincess · 27/01/2023 20:54

Hell no! And I’d be looking up how to safeguard your inheritance, since you’ve never combine finances and if you keep it separate in your name and don’t use it as family money you should be able to keep it when you divorce his sorry ass.

what a prick you’ve married!

Reluctantadult · 27/01/2023 20:55

Is it a happy marriage op?
Because I wonder if you should keep your money and use it to leave him.
Perhaps I'm reading too much into the way you guys manage your money!

Whynobreadpudding · 27/01/2023 20:56

Put the money in an isa, 20 before April and 20 after, interest rates are very good now. I would keep the money for your children. If he earns so much more than you let him buy his own bike.

Puppers · 27/01/2023 20:56

Somebatshitteryonhere · 27/01/2023 20:49

She didn’t say she struggled for years. She said he controlled it as she didn’t earn, read the fucking thread,

Show quote history

So aggressive. Is this how you speak to people face to face?

JustMaggie · 27/01/2023 20:56

If he calls you a thief for taking a few coppers for the bus then it sounds like he feels entitled to the money. If it were me I would not give him any of my inheritance because I would worry that he wouldn't pay you back. I would let him get a loan. Listen to your mother. It sounds like she was right to dislike him.

midlifecrash · 27/01/2023 20:56

Are you quite sure he doesn’t resent the tax bill due to child benefit and think you should pay it?

thestealthwee · 27/01/2023 20:57

qpmz · 27/01/2023 20:52

Why are you on a minimum wage job? Can't you return to the career you had before children?

This

Seems a bit rich don't you think. You pay minimal bills and work for minimal pay and "expect" him to pick up the costs of supporting the family financially and now you are quibbling over this money?

I don't agree in spending/wasting such a large sum on an item like a bike but that aside the sentiment is that you are happy for him to pay 90% of the costs of funding your family - his salary was "yours" as a family but your money is now your own?

missymousey · 27/01/2023 20:57

Fuck no. Not for the bike and not for the tax bill. Separate finances means separate for this one. You look after yourself because he's been a twat at best and abusive at worst.

Floofyduffypuddy · 27/01/2023 20:57

Op start looking at holding the money In premium bonds whilst you decide your next moves.
Then look at stocks and shares ISA. You could get 20 grand in now before the next tax year and another 20 in after April.

Unless you're already familiar with platform's try Hargreaves and landsown because theirs is very good and they have an ap once you get confident perhaps move it elsewhere.

Again as a start Google vanguard fund's, life strategy 100 equity and vanguards s and p fund's.

Once it's somewhere working for you there is less temptation for your DH .

NewNovember · 27/01/2023 20:57

You are married so it's all family money anyway. Just can't relate to lending money to a spouse. Time for you both to to grow up and pool your money - you are married with dc.

RSintes · 27/01/2023 20:58

Why are you married but the house is his name only?

DottyLittleRainbow · 27/01/2023 20:58

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Show quote history

No, just for this!

AlwaysWrongAndNeverRight · 27/01/2023 20:58

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Fuck that then. I was gonna say on here if but my dh a gift but that would be the only splurge but reading this I'd use that money in case you divorce because any man calling his wife a thief over some coppers is a twat. If he's that stingy he probably would try to not pay back.

I'd be tighter than a ducks arse with that money. It sounds like because he knows you have it he's looking at purchases and expecting by you to "loan" him the money and he'll call look tight asking for it back.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/01/2023 20:59

bravelittletiger · 27/01/2023 20:49

I agree with PP- you should use the entire amount you inherited to put into investments and a private pension. You made a comment about you having a better pension than him as it's NHS. I can assure you that won't be the case given you haven't been paying into it and he's been paying into his with a well paid job.

100% correct.

Also where is your 8.5k to waste on some random extravangance.

Listen to your mother and open your eyes.

I'd be telling him i made a mistake and cant access the savings <dailymail sad face>

The good news is tax year is not here yet. So you can bang £20k in an isa for the 22/23 and then in april put another 20k in for the 23/24 year.

Start looking after yourself, your DH is not on your team.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:59

thestealthwee · 27/01/2023 20:57

This

Seems a bit rich don't you think. You pay minimal bills and work for minimal pay and "expect" him to pick up the costs of supporting the family financially and now you are quibbling over this money?

I don't agree in spending/wasting such a large sum on an item like a bike but that aside the sentiment is that you are happy for him to pay 90% of the costs of funding your family - his salary was "yours" as a family but your money is now your own?

Show quote history

I have health issues that mean i cant work in my previous job at the moment. Hopefully in the future that will change.

OP posts:
LookingOldTheseDays · 27/01/2023 20:59

OP - how did things work, when you were a SAHM?

He obviously wasn't on £80k then, but he will have been partway towards it. Enough for the family to be comfortable.

  • Did you have equal access to a joint account which held the family money?
  • Did you need permission to buy something for yourself, or for the kids?
  • Did you get an allowance?
  • You referred to credit card debts - when/how were these debts incurred? (Is it due to you having to contribute more than you can realistically afford?)
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/01/2023 20:59

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Fuck him and the bike he won't be riding in on.

I'd use the money for a lawyer.

Tamarindtree · 27/01/2023 20:59

I think I the phrase ‘On yer bike’ is what is needed here!

Let him get a loan.

LookingOldTheseDays · 27/01/2023 21:00

thestealthwee · 27/01/2023 20:57

This

Seems a bit rich don't you think. You pay minimal bills and work for minimal pay and "expect" him to pick up the costs of supporting the family financially and now you are quibbling over this money?

I don't agree in spending/wasting such a large sum on an item like a bike but that aside the sentiment is that you are happy for him to pay 90% of the costs of funding your family - his salary was "yours" as a family but your money is now your own?

Show quote history

While she was a SAHM she will have been doing the housework and all childcare. What do you think that was worth, in monetary terms?

frazzledasarock · 27/01/2023 21:01

What do you mean he ‘completely held the purse strings’?

Stunningscreamer · 27/01/2023 21:01

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:36

Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief.

Show quote history

This made me feel really sick.

I'm not sure if you realise how wrong that is on so many levels.

I don't think I would have told him how much money you have been left and I certainly wouldn't be giving him a penny of it. You have to think of your future and yours alone as you can't trust this man.