We want our evenings back

[IvanaB]

Does anyone have any tips on how to get a toddler to go to sleep alone?

My DS is 31 months. Since birth he was rocked to sleep. When he became too big to be rocked he had to be bounced (we had to be standing, not sitting). Our backs were breaking as he's a big boy.

He's now 31 months and moved from his cot to a single bed a couple of months ago. Since then, he can fall asleep in his bed but either DH or I have to be sitting beside his bed singing to him. We wouldn't have an issue with this if it didn't take, on average, 1.5 - 2hrs for him to fall asleep. Some nights it can take longer. He's in bed for 7.30/8 but often doesn't go to sleep until 9/9.30pm by which time, we are shattered and good for nothing.

He still gets up during the night too and needs us to repeat the process (thankfully it usually doesn't take anywhere near as long). We're just lucky that our 10 month old sleeps fairly well.

I'd love to be able to tuck him into bed, read him a story, sing him a lullaby and then leave him to drift off.

I don’t understand this.

How do you establish a bedtime routine that has them going to bed earlier, the older they get……?!

@IvanaB - I hope you’ve zoned out all the fuckwits on this thread. 🤞

Play his favourite stories from YouTube. It works wonders for my little girl.

I'm 638 months. But I have no advice.

Trial and error? You’ve certainly got the error bit right 🤣

That's a very simplistic and unhelpful view. Clearly it's not 'all he needs' at this stage.

Have fun 👍

Get help, you obviously need it. I wish you well.

I'm trying @comfortablyDazed. Had to check I hadn't posted in AIBU x

Try again

"That's a very simplistic and unhelpful view. Clearly it's not 'all he needs' at this stage."

It is all he needs really, it's just not what he wants. Once you separate the two it might get easier.

Haven't rtft because I got irritated by the attacks for using 31 months and the "advice" that OP should never have got herself into this situation when she has repeatedly said that she knows she shouldn't have done it and that she's not repeating it with her second child.

That said, OP if you don't have a time machine,I think there are two issues 1) tiredness and 2) sleep associations

I don't necessarily agree that you need to drop nap. I would say you need to think about limiting it to an hour and/or making sure he doesn't sleep past half 1 or 2. I would actually bring bedtime earlier as it could be he's overtired. It will be a bit of trial and error which will be made more difficult because of how he gets to sleep but once he's cracked that it'll be easier to tell if he's over/under tired

So obviously he's got sleep associations which mean you have to stay in with him (been there!!). There is lots of good advice from PPs on how to tackle this. I personally found gradual retreat didn't work for me and so did the going in after 1 min, 2 mins etc did and it worked really quickly!!

Good luck!

The problem with him stay up is that he IS tired and if we took him to bed at 9pm it'd still take 2hrs to get him to sleep. He would also still get up early regardless of going down later so wouldn't be getting anywhere near enough sleep. Plus, DH and I need some time to ourselves. I'm a SAHP to DS and his younger brother so having them up from 6am - 9/10/11pm is not an option. I have other things to do that I can't get done when they're awake. We're exhausted (as is DS), we all need more sleep/downtime.

Again, very simplistic. I know what he needs, what I don't know is how to provide it (whilst maintaining my sanity).

Others have given some very good advice and I will take it on board and try a few of the suggestions given.

Op I know you're annoyed at ppl pointing out the 31 months thing but out of interest, why do you do that?

She already knows the difference; that’s why she’s posting.

Knowing the difference doesn’t help.

God, this place, sometimes. Home of the obtuse.

If its taking 2 hours, then its not working.

Time to find something that does work.

No shit, Sherlock.

Do you think that’s maybe why the OP is posting - to get a few tips?

Thank you!

He is definitley overtired. I don't think dropping his nap completely would help either as he's shattered come lunchtime. Today I will:

Try to get him down a little early for his nap.
Wake him after an hour.
Try and get him to bed a little early.
Try the, 'just going for a pee, back in 5 minutes' advice.

I appreciate it's going to take him a while to adjust and we may need to adapt our approach if it isn't working 😊

I would say ditch the guilt trips about oh we;ve created this etc.

You did what worked - now it's no longer working. No stress, just change it.

I think I would do a combo of fading out the support, so perhaps sit there but don't sing, just one song at the start and then he has your presence but no more song. With DS1 I had the rule if he was lying quietly going to sleep then I'd stay, if he was making noise or getting up I would count to 3 then leave, if I did leave then I would come back after a couple of minutes and offer to try again. You could then move the chair further away as he gets used to less support.

Also normalise some small absences. Tell him you need to do a wee, or you have forgotten something from another room and come back ASAP. Once he is tolerating these short absences, increase them. Say you need a poo. Or to change the washing over, or do some work. Or just tell him you'll be back in 5 minutes (and time it). Eventually you'll get to an absence length where he falls asleep. You can tell him the next morning "I came back and you were asleep! Shall we try that again, I'll say goodnight and come and check on you later?"

Also look at total sleep time in 24h. Is he still napping? If so, bedtime might be too early. Lyndsey Hookway says if you have a child taking hours to fall asleep, note the time they typically fall asleep and start bedtime 15 minutes before this time instead. This is just temporary before you freak out! Because he's tired, he should fall asleep quickly. Once he's used to this you can start to bring bedtime forward in 15 minute increments until it's at the time you want. But this won't work if you're trying to get him to have too much sleep overall.

I also just noticed that you said he's waking super early- this can also be a sign of over tiredness. It seems counter intuitive but might be a sign he needs more sleep not less.

Also as someone mentioned the 31 month thing again, I would be surprised if OP goes around using 31 months in real life conversation but in this case it's relevant and specific. She could say "just over 2 and a half years old" but isn't it quicker and more precise to use months?

That was me sorry 😂 it seems really unnecessary - 2 and a half covers it perfectly adequately for non medical people surely? It suggests to me an unwillingness to accept the child isn't a baby any more. Anyway, I'm not here to annoy.

Don't feel bad OP, there aren't really any bad sleep habits that can't be changed even if there is some short-term pain, and you and DP will get your evenings back. You've now decided that it's time for a change and recognised that the whole family will benefit from different sleep habits, which I honestly think is half the battle (because, in a nutshell, if mum and dad don't really believe that the toddler can cope with a bit more separation at night then the toddler usually senses that and understandably panics at being left). There are vanishingly few children who just decide to sleep peacefully on their own without any encouragement to do so, though they do exist - but most of us have to go through a short but difficult period of nudging them to sleep more independently. I certainly did, and already added some of the more practical steps that worked for us upthread. So what if you're reaching this point a bit later than some do? It really doesn't matter.

I am most likely being a bit pedantic buy when I suggested 'mummy is just heading to the toilet' I would watch the language you use. If I said I'll be back in 5 minutes my eldest would set a timer on alexa and sit at the side of the bed until I fulfilled my promise 🙄
I'd just say mummy has to go to the toilet, good night love you and see how that goes. If he's not distressed and you have a cam and he's settled in bed (not necessarily sleeping) then I'd leave him to settle. Be prepared to be a little emotional when he doesn't need you to settle him and he is suddenly a big boy!

Not RTFT because I got fed up of all the posters mocking the 31 months.

He's not far from 3 so he does have a reasonable level of understanding. What worked for me when approaching changes at a similar age was to discuss the change at a time when things were well. So when playing with him, talk about how he is now becoming a big boy, children his age tend to go to sleep themselves and see his reaction. Ask him what his friends do (if he goes nursery). Continue working on this and when you feel it is right (usually within a week in my case), tell him you will be sitting away from the bed/outside his door from now onwards. And progress gradually from there. Can also let him pick a toy to have with him in the bed instead of you being right next to him? It would (and still does)make a big difference for my DS if changes like this were discussed in the day when happy and not sprung on him at bedtime.

We would also offer rewards/bribes too - lots of star charts and when they hit a certain number of stars, they get a special treat. Again, these were planned in advance and written on the chart eg at 5 stars, Mummy takes me for a hot chocolate.