We want our evenings back

[IvanaB]

Does anyone have any tips on how to get a toddler to go to sleep alone?

My DS is 31 months. Since birth he was rocked to sleep. When he became too big to be rocked he had to be bounced (we had to be standing, not sitting). Our backs were breaking as he's a big boy.

He's now 31 months and moved from his cot to a single bed a couple of months ago. Since then, he can fall asleep in his bed but either DH or I have to be sitting beside his bed singing to him. We wouldn't have an issue with this if it didn't take, on average, 1.5 - 2hrs for him to fall asleep. Some nights it can take longer. He's in bed for 7.30/8 but often doesn't go to sleep until 9/9.30pm by which time, we are shattered and good for nothing.

He still gets up during the night too and needs us to repeat the process (thankfully it usually doesn't take anywhere near as long). We're just lucky that our 10 month old sleeps fairly well.

I'd love to be able to tuck him into bed, read him a story, sing him a lullaby and then leave him to drift off.

Why would you let a 2.5 year fall asleep in a play pen in a presumably brightly lit room? Makes no sense

Very possibly! I will try bringing his bedtime forward and see if that helps.

I’d say his nap is too long. There’s a tricky period around 2.5yrs where they are crabby near bed time if they don’t have a nap. But if they do it takes them ages to sleep.
little boys are also a bit like dogs - they need lots of time outdoors running around. Swimming also is really effective to tire them out.
So either no nap of 30 minutes max or keep the nap and just deal with a later bed time

Also came to suggest a Yoto. They have lots of sleep sounds which are free on the app, you could trial playing to a Bluetooth speaker before you commit to buying if you want. My daughter loves the sleepy radio and if she wakes in the night (which tbf is rare) I put this on and she settles back down straight away. It also has a built in nightlight and can be used like a groclock by setting the light to different colours for night and day, so he has a signal for whether it’s ok to get up or not. I think my daughter was probably around this age when I introduced the groclock originally and she completely got it, and wouldn’t wake us up early (unless really distressed or something).

Also possibly drop/shorten the nap, my daughter had mostly stopped napping by 2 so he may not need it. 9pm is quite late to be falling asleep.

9/10pm isn’t unusual for some children.
my 15month old is still up her last nap finished at 3pm and I was hoping for a 7/8pm bedtime but I tried and she wasn’t ready-8 don’t waste time rocking to sleep we come back down stairs for more play, and lots of walking around to tire her out.
heysleepybaby on Instagram has some good advice

2 hours of singing? 🤣 kids got himself a full concert every night. Elton John wouldn't cope with that.

Seriously, just tell him he's nearly 3 now and a big boy so he gets 1 story sitting up and another lying down and then he has to go to sleep.

😂

Wake them at 2:30, bed at 7.

We did ‘disappearing chair’ First two nights chair right next to his head. Then a bit further away but still in line of sight for two nights. Next two nights, chair at bottom of bed. He can see if he sits up and you shuffles occasionally to ensure he knows you’re there. Next, two nights with chair by the door. Then door open but chair just on outside. Keep reassuring each night that you’re there. By the time we got to the first night outside the room, he was asleep within 5mins. Before we started, he took 2 hours and would only sleep if touching me. He was 2yrs 2mths.

Is he still having a nap during the day? If so I'd look at either making it shorter or dropping it completely because my daughter is the same age and we had a very similar issue at bedtime! But now that she doesn't nap she's usually sleeping by 8.
You just need to start the new routine of sitting beside the bed to read a story, sing a song if you want, then goodnight and leave and just keep guiding back to bed when he gets up. It will take perseverance and consistency but you'll get there

Yeah it is lovely. As long as you're not stuck there for hours EVERY evening (for months/years)! It's okay for parents to want to actually enjoy some chill time without their children you know..

31 months? Seriously? He is almost 3 and it sounds like he has been seriously babied and pandered to. Bath, story, hug and kiss and lights out. Repeat repeat repeat. If he gets up, back to bed with no communication. You have made a rod for your own backs, and only you can change this. It isn’t your son’s fault he is behaving like this.

I should add that the first two nights whilst I was in the chair he repeatedly got up for cuddles. I cuddled, kissed and put him back in bed. This continued for about 90mins so it was intense and exhausting. He did it again on night 2&3 but less each time.

31 months? The fact that you mention his age in such baby like term insinuates that you treat him like an infant. Do you? Let the child learn to sleep in peace and stop making a rod for your own back. Let him be.

It sounds like he’s just not tired at 7.30.. does he still nap? If so, you could try dropping the nap (easier said than done I know, especially if it’s part of your routine) and see if he settles earlier. I think when my youngest was that age I let him watch a kids dvd in bed. It’s not ideal, but I could get on with my evening and he was usually asleep before the end.

I would try dropping the nap as well OP. It varies of course but many children are ready to drop a nap completely by 2.5. At that age, if any of my three had more than a 5 minute power nap in the car it would be game over at bedtime and they'd be awake till gone 9 - even though they were all able to self settle happily.

You know this, of course, but you need to get to a point where your DS is happy and comfortable in his space - in his room, his bed, with his toys and comforters etc - and falling asleep independently. Routine will help but you will also have to get a little bit tough (in a gentle way) and not give in to the screams and tantrums. Persistence is key. It won't be easy but you will get there. Of course DS is going to protest - you've rocked and bounced and sung and danced (almost literally) him to sleep from the day he was born. He has no idea how to do it himself.

But he can learn. There are lots of things you can try to help ease the transition - special comfort toy, white noise, lullaby light, story CD or similar. And the 'lie quietly and mummy will pop back in five minutes' strategy is a helpful one too. You will find an approach that works for you but the key thing is that you'll have to be consistent and not give in. And definitely try dropping the nap. Good luck.

I really recommend teach your child to sleep by the millpond sleep clinic. It covers all the main approaches to sleep training, including gradual retreat. But the thing I found most helpful is that it has case studies to help you understand how to apply your preferred method. I was seriously sleep deprived when I got it, and didn't have enough mental capacity to figure out how to go about sleep training, but the case studies really helped.

A few things:

On what planet is 31 months almost 3? He's not 31 years old going on 32, big difference!

"He's been seriously babied" - yes, he has. He's our eldest, parenting is trial and error. We've learnt from it.

"It isn't your sons fault" - I've never said it is. As I said in an earlier reply, we've created this situation and he's only following our lead. I'm also aware that, as his parents, only we can change it. That's the point of this post, to ask for advice/tips from other mum's who have experienced similar.

Oh lord some people are really harsh with their kids.

I agree with a PP who said our babies are not burdens!

Does he have a consistent wake up time every morning?

What if he's just a lower sleep needs child and just isn't tired at 7/8?

Have you tried taking him up later and seeing if it takes him less time to fall asleep?

My now 211 month old 🤣 used to be a shocking sleeper too!

At a similar age put her in her bed, left and sat outside the room and put her back silently every time she came out.

It took about four hours of this, but it literally took one night to work and was totally worth it!

I’ve not read all the replies but gradual retreat worked for us.

He's almost 3. You must know most people aren't still counting in months after 2 years old! Or singing for 2 hours every evening.

It sounds like he's still napping so drop that or cut it v short and get him involved in making his room into a "big boy room".

"Let him be", that's inspiring!

We never messed about like that and got our evenings back from when ds turned 2ish.
Take to bed,cuddle,love you,light out.
Hes nearly 9 yrs and goes straight off.

@Mariposista great minds think alike!