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Original poster

Will you help your kids when they’re parents?

218 replies

prista · 15/01/2023 14:04

When your kids become parents do you expect to help them out?
I will - I’m not going to give up 1-2 days a week for full on child care because I want to keep working, but I’ll help beyond that - babysitting and holidays (and weekends if they’re close) and if I can afford it I’ll give them financial help for childcare (assuming they need it).
But judging by a lot of the threads here about parents/pils maybe others don’t? Just curious!

OP posts:

DidyouNO · 16/01/2023 21:36

My children are 25, 23, 18 and 10yrs. I'm also a foster cater and have two grandchildren aged 1yr and 3yrs. I help out a lot because I can and because I live my children and my grandchildren and I would have loved help when mine were very little too.
Treat people the way you want to be treated.

whittingtonmum · 16/03/2023 20:58

If they would like me to help I will do my utmost to do that if I can.

My mum helped me so much before passing away. I am so glad she had the hands on involvement with the kids she did. It was a big help for me and a massive benefit for the children. It has really created a lasting legacy because the kids remember her so fondly.

My grandma cared for me a lot when I was young. It does create an incredible bond.

Much, much stronger than the occasional visits the DC's have with MIL.

mrssunshinexxx · 17/03/2023 07:37

I would like to help as much as they would want me to I have a one and a two year old and my mum died 6 weeks before I had my first so I know first hand really how hard this is

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Childcare & nursery Families

Chipsdontlie · 17/03/2023 11:49

We don't live close so can't babysit but we pay for the grandchild's playgroup sessions. We also help out with big expenses and send him new clothes every few months

Mary46 · 17/03/2023 12:29

Hi yes would help where I can. Depends on health too. Def dont want to be tied into full T minding as my friend was.. the more she did the more they asked. Then u want to go away and theres a mood. So think you need to be clear on it

HamBone · 17/03/2023 13:36

Chipsdontlie · 17/03/2023 11:49

We don't live close so can't babysit but we pay for the grandchild's playgroup sessions. We also help out with big expenses and send him new clothes every few months

That’s so thoughtful, @Chipsdontlie . Ours are teenagers now, but we’d have really appreciated support like yours when they were small.

My Dad and SM did try and were generous: DH’s side….well, I won’t get started, but let’s just say that they’ve never been interested in their GC.

mindutopia · 17/03/2023 14:37

Yes, definitely. I'd like to be really close to my grandchildren, if we have any, and hopefully the distance and time will allow this. I was really close with my grandparents. I spent at least 5 days a week with them - after school every day, all day on school holidays, and regularly spent a night or two at the weekend as well. In a lot of ways, they were almost more like parents to me than my actual parents.

My dc don't have very involved grandparents. One lives somewhat nearby but only sees them about every 6 weeks and never has them over to visit (not allowed because of safeguarding issues with her partner). Neither has ever had a sleepover there and youngest has never even see her house. We are NC with the other due to abuse but they live abroad anyway.

I would hope that my GC would have the sort of relationship with me that I had with my GPs. They were warm and loving and I felt so happy and safe at their home. I would assume that I would be retired or at least dh and I would be working pretty flexibly when our dc are old enough to have children, so I would be as hands on as they wanted me to be.

mids2019 · 18/03/2023 08:47

Really interesting debate . One thing about the expectation of grandparent help in child reading is that in small communities like mine I think it may discourage people from going to university or employment some distance away (or in another country). I know of several families where the natural way of things is still for families to live roughly in the same geographic area and assistance with child care is a factor in this mentality.

I live 250 miles from my parents so the idea of them dropping into to do baby sitting was never a possibility but I have faced conflicts between work and child care in the past where other's opinion that GPs should somehow be present to assist when there is urgent work requirment.

Mentalpiece · 18/03/2023 09:42

I switched from day to Nightshift so I could do my grandchildrens school run, which enabled their parents to work.
In the nice weather I would collect them with a picnic which we would eat in the park while they enjoyed the swings and slides.
I also used to do a bit of the housework and once or twice a week I would prepare an evening meal for them to eat when they got home from work.
We used to pool all our annual leave so that school holidays were covered, and I would take them on holiday for one of those weeks.
I can't imagine not helping out, they're my flesh and blood.

ImAvingOops · 18/03/2023 10:15

I always thought I would offer as much as they wanted, and if they were really in a pickle then of course I would. But, I've been a sahm for a really long time and tbh I'm fed up of looking after kids. Don't know if this is perimenopause related (with decline of 'caring' hormone) but I really want to please myself a bit more now - do up my house, go away on trips more.

I feel guilty about this - I had loads of help from my parents, still do really so ought to pay it forward. Obviously I will do whatever is needed for my parents.
I've seen so many of my parents friends get landed with full time childcare and their adult kids keep having babies that the gps are expected to look after. I just don't want that.

BelindaMelinda · 18/03/2023 10:25

I'd hope we're able to help them financially. And certainly we'd be willing to support, offer baby sitting, emergency care where we can etc. However, not x days childcare or any regular arrangement.

When our oldest dc turns 30, I'm going to be 51. Tbh I hope he waits until his 30's to have dc but there's every chance I could be a grandparent in my 40's. That's a hard nope from me. I've raised my own dc and I'm not willing to raise anyone elses part time, not even my own Dc's kids.

Simonjt · 18/03/2023 10:36

If any of them have children and would like us to babysit etc (and we were close enough to do it) or course we would.

Zipps · 18/03/2023 10:37

Yes and I already do. I/we probably help out and babysit for our gc about twice a month. Our dc runs own business so can choose hours/wfh/delegate a lot but occasionally needs to go to meetings or they go out to the cinema or for a meal. This is doable because they had a dc mid 20's meaning we are youngish gps, also we're part time at work and early retiring this year. We don't do a regular day though as we want to help but also have lots of travel and holiday plans. They seem to manage as we did, I never was a sahm, and the other set of gps are a bit younger than us so also help and babysit. Our dps did babysitting too but no childcare apart from the odd school pick up.

Abracadabra12345 · 18/03/2023 10:43

This is such an interesting thread.

It would be fascinating to time travel to when pps are older and see how eager they are then to look after gc “as much as I’m wanted, because I would do anything for them.”

You aren’t the same in your 60s / 70s as when you’re younger. I think there’s something to be said about the “caring hormone” being a bit less, let alone having less energy. I can imagine saying this - eagerness to look after hypothetical gc - when you’re young, and meaning it.

Small children are hard work and boring and full-on and to do it as childcare - no. I’m in my 60s and see the reality and always feel sorry for those exhausted looking gps with stroppy littlies. To do fun things with gc occasionally, of course.

But this is all theory. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be put to the test as we are very unlikely to have gc and given the state of the world and climate crisis, I am deeply glad

ImAvingOops · 18/03/2023 10:51

Should add that I definitely intend to do babysitting so my kids can still go out and have fun - it's just full time responsibility for childcare that I don't fancy

ComeOnYouSummer · 18/03/2023 10:54

I go on holiday a lot so wouldn’t commit to any regular childcare but would absolutely love to have them for a day or weekend here and there if I’m allowed.
I would definitely be able to help them financially again if they would allow that.

fussychica · 18/03/2023 11:32

Unlikely. I'm mid 60s already and DS is 30 with no sign of children on the horizon. We also live at least 2 hours from each other.

LBFseBrom · 12/06/2023 13:28

prista · 15/01/2023 14:10

Of course health etc makes a big difference - but a lot of the chat on here is about whether otherwise healthy, financially comfortable people with time help. So if that ends up being you, how much would you plan to help out?

Yes, I would as long as I was well enough.

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