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Original poster

Will you help your kids when they’re parents?

218 replies

prista · 15/01/2023 14:04

When your kids become parents do you expect to help them out?
I will - I’m not going to give up 1-2 days a week for full on child care because I want to keep working, but I’ll help beyond that - babysitting and holidays (and weekends if they’re close) and if I can afford it I’ll give them financial help for childcare (assuming they need it).
But judging by a lot of the threads here about parents/pils maybe others don’t? Just curious!

OP posts:
familyissues12345 · 15/01/2023 17:24

I'm hoping to. I would love to be in a position to be able to help with childcare if we live local enough. Unless my sons have children later in life, I should be a relatively young grandparent, and hopefully we'll be in a financial position to be able to forgo my income (I only work part time, in a low income anyway)

We are also hoping to help financially with property too if we can

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 17:25

CantFindTheBeat · 15/01/2023 17:00

What do you mean by a labour of love, @Dacadactyl ?

Show quote history

I mean that it is real, hard, hard graft that took a lot of patience and emotionally took a lot from me. That being said, it was the best thing I ever did in lots of ways and I can see the ongoing benefit that it had on my children.

I did it because I loved them and I thought it was best for them. Just as I think it would be best for my grandkids to be looked after by their own parents too.

It is a moot point in my case anyway because I'm only 37 and had my kids at 21 and 26. I intend to go back to uni when my children are older so plan on "having a career" in my 40s...not going back to looking after kids.

Summersolargirl · 15/01/2023 17:25

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 14:14

It would depend on my circumstancesand that of my children at the time, but no I wouldn't really want to.

Reason being that I was a SAHM myself for yonks. It's a labour of love and ive done my childrearing. I would be reluctant to do it again but as I say, would depend on wider circumstances.

Was it not personal choice, were you forced not to work due to the cost of child care?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Childcare & nursery Families
ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/01/2023 17:26

Summersolargirl · 15/01/2023 17:25

Was it not personal choice, were you forced not to work due to the cost of child care?

Show quote history

Its also personal choice she doesnt want to!

Milkand2sugarsplease · 15/01/2023 17:28

As someone with absolutely no help at all from either side of the family - one side both parents have passed away and the other side, parents have moved 2 hours away and barely have a relationship with the GC let alone offer help, I can't wait to be able to offer more to my children when they're parents themselves.

MintJulia · 15/01/2023 17:28

I'll be retired by then so I could. I'll offer and see whether they want me to.

I had a hellish MIL so I'm determined not to be pushy or overstep the mark.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 17:29

Summersolargirl · 15/01/2023 17:25

Was it not personal choice, were you forced not to work due to the cost of child care?

Show quote history

It was 100% my personal choice. I wanted to look after my own children. I didn't want them in childcare. That doesn't take away from the fact that it was hard work that I wouldn't want to do again unless I had to.

cloudcett · 15/01/2023 17:30

We didn't have any help from either my parents or DH's parents, and it was so so hard. So yes, I would absolutely help my own children as much as is possible

Shodan · 15/01/2023 17:31

Yes and no- DP and I are agreed on the parameters within which we're happy to help.

No to regular, weekly childcare. Mostly because we're planning to move out to the country and it won't be practical, but also because yes, we want the freedom to come and go as we please, having spent our entire lives working/looking after children.

But yes to weekends for the parents to go away by themselves, or time in the holidays (a week or so, or longer when the children are older, if they wanted to), or urgently-needed care (hospital trips/short work trips or whatever).

CantFindTheBeat · 15/01/2023 17:33

Completely understand.

I mainly asked because my husband uses the term 'labour of love' to mean something you hate but do because you love the person/cause, and I'm always correcting him!

Bluevelvetsofa · 15/01/2023 17:33

My children had financial support to buy their first properties. I was working full time when the first two were born, so couldn’t offer anything other than weekend babysitting, which I did. When I worked part time, I collected from school, took them to the park, fed them and stayed till mum came home. That was shared with other grandparents. They’ve had their savings boosted by regular payments, we’ve paid for them to come on holiday with us, had them stay for weekends and looked after them for ten days whilst their parents were away on a special holiday.

Now we’d be there in an emergency if needed, but they’re older and don’t need babysitting. Their parents have had support I think and we’re now on a fixed income whilst they aren’t. I think if you’re in your 50s or younger when they’re small, it’s doable, but late 60s or 70s is a bit much with young children.

CantFindTheBeat · 15/01/2023 17:33

CantFindTheBeat · 15/01/2023 17:33

Completely understand.

I mainly asked because my husband uses the term 'labour of love' to mean something you hate but do because you love the person/cause, and I'm always correcting him!

That's to @Dacadactyl

HeadNorth · 15/01/2023 18:17

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 17:29

It was 100% my personal choice. I wanted to look after my own children. I didn't want them in childcare. That doesn't take away from the fact that it was hard work that I wouldn't want to do again unless I had to.

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Interesting, I worked part time and loved raising my children, I didn’t find it a labour or such hard work I couldn’t face doing it again. Which is why I’d love to help out with any future grandchildren. It sounds like being a SAHM put you off raising children for life, which is shame!

cptartapp · 15/01/2023 18:19

We had ad hoc care. Nothing regular. Certainly never any sleepovers or weekends. Tbh I think I'd do the same and prioritise my own free time.The company of DC can be boring and hard work let's be honest. But hard to know until any are here.

user1498572889 · 15/01/2023 18:20

I do. It’s the biggest joy in my life spending time with my grandkids.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 18:24

HeadNorth · 15/01/2023 18:17

Interesting, I worked part time and loved raising my children, I didn’t find it a labour or such hard work I couldn’t face doing it again. Which is why I’d love to help out with any future grandchildren. It sounds like being a SAHM put you off raising children for life, which is shame!

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It was the doing it 24/7 with nearest family member living 5 hours away.

Like there was literally no let up, no break.

If I got pregnant tomorrow, I'd give up work and be a SAHM again, so I'm not put off. I just wouldn't want to do it for grandchildren. They'd be their parents responsibility, unless circumstances meant my children couldn't do it for whatever reason.

Original poster
prista · 15/01/2023 18:26

It’s nice that the majority of people on here seem to be planning to help a fair bit, and that a lot of people who didn’t get much help plan to do more for their DCs.

OP posts:
Parisj · 15/01/2023 18:41

We would want to help, weekly if live nearby or however practical if further away (school holidays etc). Might buy a camper van so we can stay nearby!

HeadNorth · 15/01/2023 18:46

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 18:24

It was the doing it 24/7 with nearest family member living 5 hours away.

Like there was literally no let up, no break.

If I got pregnant tomorrow, I'd give up work and be a SAHM again, so I'm not put off. I just wouldn't want to do it for grandchildren. They'd be their parents responsibility, unless circumstances meant my children couldn't do it for whatever reason.

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But if you found it so relentless, would you not want to help your children out even a wee bit? Give them the break you never had?

Flowersonthewall123 · 15/01/2023 18:47

Yes 110% my parents aren’t interested in helping us and it hurts we have no village. We have no support network .

So permitting I can, I will be helping my DC out in various ways and being the GP I wanted with my DC.

Flowersonthewall123 · 15/01/2023 18:49

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 18:24

It was the doing it 24/7 with nearest family member living 5 hours away.

Like there was literally no let up, no break.

If I got pregnant tomorrow, I'd give up work and be a SAHM again, so I'm not put off. I just wouldn't want to do it for grandchildren. They'd be their parents responsibility, unless circumstances meant my children couldn't do it for whatever reason.

Show quote history

This is my parents, using the phrase I’ve done my time which makes me feel like they hated raising us. And now they just say they had no help so why would they help us.

Much to @HeadNorth its like saying I found it hard so now you should suffer too.

BrutusMcDogface · 15/01/2023 18:50

100% yes, and I will also help them with practical stuff like cleaning and laundry.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 18:54

HeadNorth · 15/01/2023 18:46

But if you found it so relentless, would you not want to help your children out even a wee bit? Give them the break you never had?

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I'm not averse to the idea of giving a small break every now and again, but no way would I be doing childcare as an ongoing, regular thing.

Like I say, I was 21 when I had my DD and will very likely still be working when she has kids, so it's a moot point anyway.

anomaly23 · 15/01/2023 19:16

100% I will help them whenever needed like my grandparents did for me when I was little.

RoseThornside · 15/01/2023 19:38

Flowersonthewall123 · 15/01/2023 18:49

This is my parents, using the phrase I’ve done my time which makes me feel like they hated raising us. And now they just say they had no help so why would they help us.

Much to @HeadNorth its like saying I found it hard so now you should suffer too.

Show quote history

My parents also say "I've done my time" which leads their children to the conclusion that they hated having children. My mother was also young when she had me (19) and was a SAHM.

My grandparents however, did have me and my sister for the odd night, and once for a whole week, but my parents have never done the same for the children/grandchildren because of course, "they've done their time". Time. Like doing time in prison.

I love my children and can't wait to be a grandmother and I don't even see it as 'helping'. I'd do it, when I could of course, work allowing, because I would enjoy spending time with my grandchildren. Yes, small children are hard work - boring too - but the odd wonderful moment more than makes up for it.