Will you help your kids when they’re parents?

[prista]

When your kids become parents do you expect to help them out?
I will - I’m not going to give up 1-2 days a week for full on child care because I want to keep working, but I’ll help beyond that - babysitting and holidays (and weekends if they’re close) and if I can afford it I’ll give them financial help for childcare (assuming they need it).
But judging by a lot of the threads here about parents/pils maybe others don’t? Just curious!

The problem is modern life doesn’t really lend itself to grandparents helping out nowadays does it.
Children are encouraged to go to university, then move wherever for a job not go to work at 18 and stay local.
Then people have children later and later so you could well be into your 70’s before you become a grandparent, with grandchildren living a 100 miles away.
I can see why it doesn’t happen in lots of cases despite thinking you will help out.

@Fairyliz I think this is why it's great if grandparents can help out in school holidays. We moved away but send the kids to grandparents for a week at a time over the summer holidays, the kids love it, the grandparents love it and it helps us! It's what I had growing up, and what I hope to offer mine, wherever they end up.

I'm a young Grandma ( I was 39) and I have my 2 granddaughters to stay about once a month . My youngest son is 5 months older than my oldest granddaughter so we often have days out together . They don't expect me to help out whilst they work as as I work too.

@mycatsanutter that’s so lovely to read!
I had my first at 19 and my next at 21, eldest is now 18. While I hope they don’t have theirs quite as young as I did (I genuinely loved being a mum and they’ve been my proudest achievements, watching them grow and develop into such nice young women but we were finding our feet and broke for a long time 😂 I do wish for them to have a little more financial stability), I do hope that if they do have children I’ll be young enough to be able to fully enjoy them too. If dd1 has a kid at 30 I’ll be nearly 50 so I’m hopeful.
When my dd1 was born my dsis was 5, I used to take them both out together and they are still so close to each other now.

Yes! I can’t wait! Love love love babies!

That said, while I will be available for baby play / buggy-pushing anytime, I’m physically fragile and unlikely to be able to lift a baby by then, so could never just take over daytime childcare in my 70s the way a 40-something grandparent can.

Depends where they are.
I am planning on leaving The Uk in the next 10 years so if they are still here then I won’t be able to help much

@RoseThornside that's exactly what my parents say. I was looked after a lot by grandparents while they went out with friends during the week and at weekends but they've never done that for me or my kids.

Yes. Id do a few days a week childcare. Weekends, evenings etc too if asked. But i wfh and choose the hours and amount of hours i do so i could easily do 5 days a week for example if other childcare wasn't available or whatever

I'll babysit, financially support, emotionally support. But not day to day childcare.

But regular babysitting, dropping every thing to help, driving 100+ miles to help them...yes absolutely.

Given the number of OPs there've been recently about parents who've planned their return to work (or even their international move back to the UK) around their own parents' enthusiastic intention to provide childcare, only to find that it didn't materialise, I think that most responses on this thread should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Given how much can change in GPs' intentions in a matter of months, a lot can be expected to happen over years and decades.

Seriously, bringing up your own children in your 30s and providing childcare for your grandchildren in your 60s or older are two incredibly different things. Only the love for them bears comparison.

If my DDs wait as long as I did to have children I’m expecting to be either in a home or dead.

But im also fortunate that my DF has my kids at the drop of hat. School runs or whatever or if i have an appointment. I could ring him at 9am to babysit at 9.30 and he'd do it. Hes retired and loves it
My dm not so much she works long hours.
Ils generally good and offer to take dcs out weekly in summer at pre school age. Once start school prob a couple of times in the holidays to farms zoos etc.

I would love to so I hope my dcs have kids in their 20's rather than late 30's like me. Otherwise I'd be in my 70's and I fear I may not be as helpful as I could be.
One of the downsides of having dc late in life.

Of course!

Depending on how old we are when (if!) we become grandparents and where we all live, I'll offer one day a week childcare just as my parents and in laws did for us. Babysitting too, I help out now with my nephews and neices so hopefully see a future with grandchildren too!

I fret a bit about this because my eldest and youngest are 12 years apart. Coupled with the fact the youngest is a boy and more likely to settle down a bit later I worry that my capacity to help in terms of health and finances will be very different when they have their families. I will want to!

Just a point.....If you don't help your children with childcare is there the expectation that they will still help you when you are elderly and frail? Been on another thread and there were some annoyed people whose parent s didn't help with childcare but are now strained with having to aid then with care now that they are frail.

I think there are a lot of harsh comments here towards people saying they would not help.

I am 42, I have been a parent since I was 15 and absolutely on my own with no help whatsoever, My kids (all 4) 2 of them full blown adults still live with me.

They are welcome to live here as long as they want but I have made it quite clear if they decide to breed that will be completely their choice but no babies will be living here and I absolutely will not be doing any sort of childcare, a night or a few hours fair enough but I wont be relied on to raise their kids or look after them while they work, If they want to work, dont have kids or find alternative childcare.

I plan on travelling when I retire and young enough to still do it, why would I choose to look after someone elses kids? family or not, it wont be happening.

My plan is to retire early (ploughing money into pensions and investments to enable this) and then be able to be very hands on my DC want that. I wouldn’t commit to 5 days a week childcare because I too want a life in retirement but I’d certainly be up for 3 days and would happily take the kids over weekends etc for my DC to have lives.

my family haven’t been the most supportive and it’s added an additional stress to our lives, I never want my DC to feel like that and will do whatever I can to help.

I dont expect any of my kids to look after me in old age.

Chuck me in a home or a river if they want, If I get to that point I want no one wiping my arse.

I will help them where I can I don’t have any family to help with mine and it’s hard and was really hard when they were younger.
that said I wouldn’t help every weekend for example I still need my time alone. But I would have grandchildren semi regularly to help kids have a break or get some sleep etc

I think people generally think when their kids are young 'when they grow up I won't help' but things may happen, sure we will always be there for our child and will help of we can

But some help that is expected connects another person their partner

How many threads and in real life complaints about ILs interfering?

There is parents helping their children and grandchildren out and there is an expectation 'oh it's OK mum can quit her job and we can get free childcare'

Not just childcare but having adult kids partners and grandchildren living at home, money or whatever

Having the idea of helping is good but no one knows what will happen in the future

Yes I would expect our children to help us when we are old and frail. Not in terms of providing me with round the clock care (like some grandparents provide their GC) but things like hospital appointments and shopping...yes. My in laws not helping us with childcare would have no bearing on me helping them when they need me.

Like others have said - it is going to depend on so many other circumstances in our lives.
In theory, I would want to help out my dc, but has already been said, I worry about my energy levels. I am nearly 60 now and no dgc on the horizon, so, in 8 or 10 years time I am not sure I could be chasing round after 2 toddlers on my own.
Then it depends on what else is happening in your life. My Mum couldn't help us as much as she might otherwise, as she had become a carer for my Dad. Some people will still be working. Some people's adult dc move many hours away - incl other countries. As you read on here so often, some people's dc marry (or have dc with) people who don't really want their MiLs in their lives.

Given that I'm in my late 60s and my extant GCs are 3yrs as a few weeks old (and the other DC hasn't started procreating yet) I expect my kids to be far too busy with their children when I'm of an age to need any serious level of help.

My mum and my MIL had us when they were in their very early twenties, as was usual in the 1950s. I had mine at 30 and 31, which was pretty old for the 80s. My DDs are mid to late 30s. So when my mum and MIL were old enough to need me, I was reasonably available to help them, as my kids were young adults. My GCs are likely to be teens at best. Any future ones possibly primary school age.

I think it's the amount of effort that matters rather than the amount of help. You get out what you put in with relationships. My parents are entirely uninterested, as such we have a very distant superficial relationship. I will be as willing to change my plans and help them as they been for me.