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Original poster

Will you help your kids when they’re parents?

218 replies

prista · 15/01/2023 14:04

When your kids become parents do you expect to help them out?
I will - I’m not going to give up 1-2 days a week for full on child care because I want to keep working, but I’ll help beyond that - babysitting and holidays (and weekends if they’re close) and if I can afford it I’ll give them financial help for childcare (assuming they need it).
But judging by a lot of the threads here about parents/pils maybe others don’t? Just curious!

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 15/01/2023 16:02

Pretty much all of my friends with kids live at some distance from their own parents. Now their adult kids are moving away from them, for their careers. This, to me, is completely normal and I think there can be a lot of suffocation in staying close to parents/grandparents in adult life. My experience is that if you go away to university, then you are very reluctant to move back to your home town.

JamesGetIn · 15/01/2023 16:03

Stompythedinosaur · 15/01/2023 14:10

Of course! I expect to help my dc in whatever way I can for as long as I can.

Same here 😊

Yesthatismychildsigh · 15/01/2023 16:04

workiskillingme · 15/01/2023 14:53

Depends on so many factors - will I have to work full time? Will my health be okay? What will my stress levels be like? I've parented for the last 18 years with very little help and my youngest is only seven so I'm pretty sure I will want a little bit of me time by then however I think I will want to have a good supportive relationship with my grandkids

I moved away upon marriage. Never loved near family, often not in the same country. That’s actually made me more willing to help and be involved in my grandchildren’s lives. And my daughters and son in law are lovely.

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watchfulwishes · 15/01/2023 16:05

I hope so, I hope they will want me too and I hope I am able to.

I think there can be a lot of suffocation in staying close to parents/grandparents in adult life I think this is only true if the relationship is toxic. If it is a supportive and respectful relationship, being close to your family is a blessing.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 15/01/2023 16:07

I provide childcare for my daughter's two boys two days a week. It's hard work but I don't regret it as I love spending time with them. It helps my dd and sil financially too. I'm retired from teaching and it helps me keep to a certain routine as well. That suits me.

Sotellmethisandnomore · 15/01/2023 16:11

AmyandPhilipfan · 15/01/2023 15:59

As a stay at home mum I can't count the number of exhausted grandparents I've met in parks and the like who are regularly looking after young grandchildren and really resenting it but don't feel they can say no to their children. I don't want to be tied down like that. I've never relied on family for regular childcare and wouldn't want to be asked myself. I look forward to babysitting and the odd overnight and going on day trips with grandkids and my daughter, but I won't be putting my life on hold to look after them every week.

Absolutely this.

HeadNorth · 15/01/2023 16:12

I would love to and would consider it a privilege. No idea if it will ever happen - neither of my DDs are close to settling down, and quite right too.

SwedishEdith · 15/01/2023 16:28

I wouldn't want to be tied down to daily childcare. I had no help with this (because of location and health of grandparents) and I didn't really want it. I anticipated conflict in parenting and feeding styles so wouldn't have wanted to navigate that. But had help with overnight stays occasionally and just being involved in their lives. My children have/had very close and loving relationships with their grandkids.

Mother87 · 15/01/2023 16:38

I have one DGS who's almost 2 & DS/wife live 3 hours away... me/DH go for approx 1 week a month to babymind (planned around their work rotas etc & we're semi-retired) I'd always hoped to be hands-on & wasn't sure how much I'd be "allowed" to be involved as I'm the mother-in-law. I'm almost 60 & want to do as much as possible for as long as possible, physically/financially. And would also hope to do the same if/when my other DC's have children
My parents were incredibly supportive/hands-on with my 3 from birth & I didn't realise till older/spoke to more parents, that this wasn't always the case (also have Chinese background where looking after parents & grandchildren was "expected" - but it's a privilege & am lucky to be able to help)

saraclara · 15/01/2023 16:43

My in-laws were wonderful, but lived three hours away so couldn't do childcare stuff. But my kids and their cousins adored them right through to their own adulthoods and did a wonderful eulogy at my MIL's recent funeral.

I'm glad I live nearer to my own GC s and can help out more. But if I can be half as loved by my grandkids as my PILs, who couldn't be as involved were, I'll be very happy.

Annabananna1 · 15/01/2023 16:45

I will. I think families should support eachother if there's no good reason why they shouldn't. I will help out with my parents care in their old age too.

mrssunshinexxx · 15/01/2023 16:47

Would love to help as much as they want me to

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/01/2023 16:49

I will help the same way my mum does - I'll spend time with my grandchildren and spoil them and love them, but I won't do childcare for them when I'm retired.

My children are a decade older than my sister's - so of course my mum is also a decade older than when mine were little. She looks after my nephew one full day a week - from 7am till 7pm basically. It's exhausting for her, she's nearly 70! It fucks me off because sister says that without that, her and her partner couldn't afford childcare - except what they mean is they couldn't afford it unless they curb their spending elsewhere. They're the type to spend £250 on a night out without a second thought and take 2/3 holidays a year, so there is clearly money spare.

Anyway, rant over. I won't be taken the piss out of when I'm getting older and more infirm and just want to enjoy my retirement.

MsJuniper · 15/01/2023 16:51

I would love to, but might be too old if they have them as late as I did! If I'm retired and healthy then I'd absolutely commit to specific days to be as helpful/reliable as possible.

My children have a wonderful relationship with my mum who looked after them for 2 days per week when they were toddlers and still does a couple of school pickups per week. She loves it and keeps scrapbooks and photo albums of their times together.

roarfeckingroarr · 15/01/2023 16:52

Yes absolutely. I would want to give them all the support I don't have myself as a mother - emotional, practical, childcare, financial. Isn't being a grandparent the best part of having children?

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 15/01/2023 16:53

Financially yes. Practically where possible but given my youngest is still 4 and I'm already 45, I don't see myself providing childcare on a regular basis to small children.

My experience of Grandmothers was holidays without my parents, ginger beer, picnics and exploring. That I'd happily do assuming I'm fit enough. My inlaws take us all on holiday every year...also fine.

nc8975 · 15/01/2023 16:56

@ChiefWiggumsBoy I've got someone like that in my family, although sadly isn't just 1 day and includes grandchildren from her 2 children so 4 in total, AND she's still not retired, working full time. I think it's shocking, she is completely exhausted but is the "will do anything for my kids" type, her kids are old enough to know better.

CantFindTheBeat · 15/01/2023 17:00

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 14:14

It would depend on my circumstancesand that of my children at the time, but no I wouldn't really want to.

Reason being that I was a SAHM myself for yonks. It's a labour of love and ive done my childrearing. I would be reluctant to do it again but as I say, would depend on wider circumstances.

What do you mean by a labour of love, @Dacadactyl ?

Emmamoo89 · 15/01/2023 17:05

Yes definitely

FortyFacedFuckers · 15/01/2023 17:07

I would hope to be in a position where I can reduce my hours at work to help 2 days a week if wanted but yes will definitely do weekends/holidays etc, I didn't have much family support and I don't want that for my DS

ladywithnomanors · 15/01/2023 17:08

I would help if i could but i wouldn't be taken for granted like many grandparents seem to be. So many women i work with seem to have childcare on tap and don't seem to be able to manage on their own.

troppibambini6 · 15/01/2023 17:09

Definitely. My mum always makes me feel so guilty.
I will offer to have them for a couple of days so my kids can have a night away just the two of the them.
My mum did it a couple of times but made me feel so fucking bad about needing a break it ruined the time away from them.

ChillysWaterBottle · 15/01/2023 17:17

Definitely if I can. That's what family is. We are benefiting hugely from both my parents and in laws being very involved and helping out regularly. It makes being a parent so much easier and more pleasant. If I can I would do my best to pay this forward.

MuchTooTired · 15/01/2023 17:20

I will give my children as much help as I’m able to and is wanted by them.

värskekapsas · 15/01/2023 17:22

i would help out as much as I can. We don't get any help with out DD and I know how much difference that can make.

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