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Original poster

Will you help your kids when they’re parents?

218 replies

prista · 15/01/2023 14:04

When your kids become parents do you expect to help them out?
I will - I’m not going to give up 1-2 days a week for full on child care because I want to keep working, but I’ll help beyond that - babysitting and holidays (and weekends if they’re close) and if I can afford it I’ll give them financial help for childcare (assuming they need it).
But judging by a lot of the threads here about parents/pils maybe others don’t? Just curious!

OP posts:
FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 15/01/2023 15:09

I'll help in whatever way I am able to, I expect to work till pension age which could very well be 103 by the time I get to it so it's unlikely I'll be able to do weekday childcare. It's also always possible that DD will be a teen or young mum and she'll need to live with me with the baby, who knows. Whatever happens we'll deal with it and I'll support her as much as I can.

Bemyclementine · 15/01/2023 15:09

I'm.an older mum so will likely be retired by the time either of my DC have children. If I'm still working I'd go part time to help them. As a single parent I have struggled a LOT with childcare after work. My parents help but as I'm an older parent they are in their 70s and although not miles away, they aren't round the corner either.

Gronkle · 15/01/2023 15:10

My mother was 58 when my first dc was born, she helped me massively, I couldn't have managed without her. My parents are very close to my dc and they have all benefited from that relationship.

I will help if I can, finances, location and health willing. If my eldest is the same age I was when I had him then I'll be 68, full time care (as in, ft work) may be too much for me, but I'd offer what I could... I promised my mum I would, lol

Interested in this thread?

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Childcare & nursery Families
Noicant · 15/01/2023 15:18

If DD has a child at the same age I had her I’ll be 74 so probably won’t be up for it.

Namenic · 15/01/2023 15:19

If I am able to I would like to (providing the kids want it). But so many variables - health, caring for own parents, finances, etc

riotlady · 15/01/2023 15:20

I would definitely like to- I’d be up for doing a day a week childcare or at least regular babysitting. I want to be involved with my grandchildren’s lives

HamBone · 15/01/2023 15:22

I always find it really sad when people come on here and say how their healthy fit parents are not interested in any independent time with their grandkids at all. I don’t get the whole ‘they’ve had their time looking after children so want no part spending time with grandkids’

I agree, @porpy and it’s always mystified me that DH’s fit and healthy parents have made so little effort to get to know their only GC as only DH chose to have kids. Just spending abit of time with them, nothing major.

What’s interesting is that they seem more interested now the children are 17 & 14. We visited over Thanksgiving and although there was a big crowd, they actually wanted to talk to them. The children were polite, but as DD (17) said, she barely knows them, there’s no loving relationship built over years as they have with my Dad and step-Mum- even though they live abroad.

I said to DD that we should try and connect more with them as they’re in their early 80’s now and they’re family. But we’re the ones making the effort!

saraclara · 15/01/2023 15:22

I'm a grandparent. I retired before any GCs came in the scene, and my daughters knew that I'd retired in order to travel, and to be spontaneous in talking advantage of last minute opportunities. So they recognised without me having to say so, that regular childcare wasn't going to fit with that.

But I do look after my DGD regularly for random events, or just to give my DD a break. I just don't do specific days a week to support her parents' working life.

It is absolutely tiring though, which makes responses to this OP entirely theoretical. I found motherhood a breeze, especially loved the first five years, and thought I'd be fine. So that was a shock.

I'm a fit 67 year old, but now widowed so it's all down to me. And I'm shocked how much a 24 hour child care plus sleepover takes out if me. My DGD now has a baby sister. It hasn't yet happened, but having both of them for a day, even dropping them off in the evening, feels like it's going to be REALLY hard. I adore them of course so would still want to. But I'm amazed that people my age (especially if they're now single) are doing this for a couple of days a week or more.

Doormatnomore · 15/01/2023 15:26

It’s an interesting one. My mum in particular was insistent she wasn’t giving up her free time for day to day childcare - fine. When the kids were young we worked and paid for child care, I changed job 4 times in 4 years to find balance, Dh stayed in a job he hated because of compressed hours. Was stressful and we never had much in terms if spare money. But it was what we signed up for.

anyway they are all teenagers now and can get busses and have door keys so ‘looking after’ is more meta and less changing nappies. Now gp’s want them to come and stay for weekends, they want to pick them up form school on Friday and drop them off on Monday, except they have clubs so finish at different times, and at weekends all do different things.

they love their gp’s, have lots of special memories but they don’t want to just hang out cooking and playing games for days on end anymore.

the days are long but the years are short and all that. I’ll be working till I’m 90 probably, but I hope I’ll do nursery pick up (which would have made my life so much easier), be an emergency help and definitely be on thr end of the phone 24/7.

blueskylie · 15/01/2023 15:27

Oh I hope so! I'm rally looking forward to having grandkids to do it all with. What an absolute privilege that would be.

I do understand that they may not have children or they may not want me to look after them, or my circumstances might change. Maybe I'll be too knacked in 10 years.

gravyriceandchips · 15/01/2023 15:27

Yes because I should have retired by then and it will be lovely. My mum was able to do it for me and I want to be able to do it for my Dd if she has children.

MargotChateau · 15/01/2023 15:27

Yes absolutely. My partner and I had zero help/support from our parents from age 18 onwards, but both of our parents were helped by their parents with massive amounts of free childcare and were given the lump sum for their house deposit and help with renovating their homes. (I supported my parents with money and care,but since knocked that on the head due to family dysfunction and they are sitting on their own wealth they don’t want to spend )

We set up a savings account for our child’s university/house deposit upon their birth we regularly put money into, and will of course provide childcare if we are fit and able, or finically contribute if we are able.

I’d walk on fire for my child, I cannot understand our parents who had their house deposit paid and free childcare provided, but won’t assist us. My grandmother in law is shocked and upset that after all she did for her son he’s not passed that forward to the next generation.

They will have a shock when they have care needs and my partner and I will not be raising a finger for them.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/01/2023 15:28

No.

AuntieMarys · 15/01/2023 15:28

I won't be a grandparent till I'm about 70, so the short answer is no. Dh has grandchildren but we don't do childcare or provide financial help...they earn a lot more than us!!!

buntywindermere · 15/01/2023 15:29

I really really hope we're in a position to do so. Whether that's time or money. My parents aren't in a position to gift a house deposit or lumps of cash like many we know, but I am eternally grateful that my mum doesn't work and is able to do half our childcare. Saves us so much money, and my children have a great relationship with their grandparents. I hope we're able to contribute either for a deposit, or car, or by helping with childcare or them living with us rent free to save.

ShesThunderstorms · 15/01/2023 15:32

If I'm able to with health and work then I'd love to.
We don't have much help and I know how it can be such hard work at times. I'd like to be able to take the pressure off and give my kids a night/day off if they ever want it. I'd also do a day or two of childcare if I was able at the time. I can only imagine how expensive nursery might be 20/30 years from now!!

Kindofcrunchy · 15/01/2023 15:34

Depends on whether you care about having a good relationship with your grandchildren or not tbh.

blueskylie · 15/01/2023 15:39

My own maternal grandparents were really hands on. We were always round each others houses and I'd sleep over. I had a very close relationship with them and they made my parents life so much easier. I'd love to do that for my kids when they have kids. Also for selfish reasons, I'd just love to have a close grandparent relationship with my children's children.

My parents are both dead and so obviously can't help out with my children. The in laws barely know my kids, they're not interested (and this upsets as well as infuriates me). So I know how hard it is doing it with no help at all. I also know how much it made a difference to my friends who had parents who helped with childcare. Such a massive financial impact to be able to work and not have to pay full time nursery fees.

saraclara · 15/01/2023 15:41

Kindofcrunchy · 15/01/2023 15:34

Depends on whether you care about having a good relationship with your grandchildren or not tbh.

It depends on so much more than that.

GotAnyGrapez · 15/01/2023 15:42

God no. One is unlikely to have children he hates them. Grin. Maybe will help the other child but we'll see, I plan to have my life back!

Kabalagala · 15/01/2023 15:43

I won't do routine childcare but as long I'm able I will absolutely do regular babysitting and holidays. My grandparents weren't involved when i was a child and my parents aren't involved now. Its so hard having no support and I think it's such a shame for kids to not having a close relationship with grandparents. I can't imagine not wanting to be involved.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 15/01/2023 15:47

If I can I will but I've had no help myself either financially or practically really it's hard to work so it'll depend when it happens, how tired I am, whether I'm still working and what my finances are like

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/01/2023 15:52

saraclara · 15/01/2023 15:41

It depends on so much more than that.

Show quote history

I couldnt agree more!

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 15:56

Kindofcrunchy · 15/01/2023 15:34

Depends on whether you care about having a good relationship with your grandchildren or not tbh.

How so?

My in laws didn't want to help us with 3 hours a week after school childcare for one well behaved 8 year old. It would've been 2 pick ups a week and I'd have collected him from theirs before 5pm both days. It was "in case they ever wanted to go on holiday".

I thought that was them BU in the extreme. But I don't hold it against them and actively encourage my children to have a good relationship with them.

AmyandPhilipfan · 15/01/2023 15:59

As a stay at home mum I can't count the number of exhausted grandparents I've met in parks and the like who are regularly looking after young grandchildren and really resenting it but don't feel they can say no to their children. I don't want to be tied down like that. I've never relied on family for regular childcare and wouldn't want to be asked myself. I look forward to babysitting and the odd overnight and going on day trips with grandkids and my daughter, but I won't be putting my life on hold to look after them every week.